Porn addiction

[Bluebell66]

I'm posting in here as I really want a man's perspective and opinion on this. After months and months of issues in the bedroom, my partner of nearly five years finally admitted yesterday he is addicted to porn. I've known it all along but didn't want to admit it. When we do have sex it's amazing but he often struggles to get or maintain an erection. I don't have a problem with porn as long as it doesn't affect my sex life, but this is, significantly.

I feel absolutely gutted. He says he will stop or cut down to keep me. I don't know if I will ever trust him and do you think it is possible for him to stop this?

TIA

Not gonna lie, I am a sad of one, 31 years old and I have been watching porn since I was 13. I think because it is so readily available, and free, there's not much getting away from it. My sex with my wife is always good, but I believe it's because I have such a high sex drive I use porn as a relaxation and stress reliever, and it actually stops me from cheating! I kbwk that sounds lame, and I love my life dearly, but done things you just have to sacrifice. She knows I do it, and I don't exactly announce it to her. So I would have a chat with him, and tell him exactly how you feel and just talk it through. Come to some sort of agreement.

Also, the erection thing, I suggest he either gets viagra, or goes to therapy to stop watching porn. I don't have that trouble luckily! Good luck

Thanks so much for your reply Het - and for being so honest and genuine. I'm certainly not expecting him to never watch porn again, that would be unrealistic and unfair. But I feel it's been taking the place of real sex with me, which is where the problem lies. I think he's probably got a bit lazy as well. I will have an honest conversation with him and see where we go.

Thanks again.

It may not necessarily be the porn.

When issues like this arise (ahem.. nor not as the case may be) it's easy to blame the porn. Too easy, because I suspect the average man's porn use doesn't interfere with his ability to have sex. I would question whether scientific research shows that porn will spoil a good sex life. By contrast, where the sex life is already poor, porn can take its place and prevent it from recovering. In other words, a symptom rather than a cause.

Or possibly he can't perform because he's wanking too much (because of the porn use).. maybe he needs to lay off wanking for a week.

BUT on the basis that laying off the porn use can't do any harm, I suggest he thinks about when he uses it, and how (ie, what sort of device). If he wants to cut down, he can arrange things so that it's not available at the time he's most tempted.

The difference between having sex with an avid porn user and someone who’s not into porn is huge, IME.

It’s a pity porn is so normalised these days.

Tom - thanks so much for your very helpful reply. I was speaking to a guy the other day who says it's a myth that porn desensitises a person to sex in real life, so I think you may have a point. We did go through a very difficult spell in our relationship last year, and I have a feeling this may have been when it started. Again, you may be right, a symptom of a problem, rather than necessarily the cause. Things are back on track now and definitely improving so I hope it continues. Thanks again.

Yes, I do think it's a myth that porn necessarily ruins a person's ability to have sex.

By contrast, if a man - because of lack of sex or satisfying sex - gets used to wanking off to porn daily, the following may happen:

• recovery time will prevent him from performing properly
• he will get into the habit of finding sexual release through wanking (which will be easy) rather than sex (which will be fraught) and after time that will be where his thoughts run (this would make him either selfish in bed or not interested at all)

Good luck!

Thank so again Tom - you speak so much sense and I can totally relate to everything you say. I think because of the problems we had, he got used to wanking off to porn - like you say, it was highly accessible and easy. I think he maybe got used to it as his outlet. Now things are so much better between us, he doesn't actually "need" the porn as much and needs to try and cut down his usage, which he has promised me he will. I certainly don't expect him not to watch any - I think that would be unfair and unrealistic. Used sensibly, and as long as it's not interfering with our "real life" sex life, I don't have a problem with it.

I think there is the visual thing as well.

In a normal relationship you see your partner naked, have sex etc etc.

With porn it is all very visual and so you effectively train your brain to respond to the images. After a while the images become a bit boring so the porn user starts looking for something stronger or more graphic. The cycle repeats over and over. Then, the porn user finds himself in bed with a beautiful, sexy woman but just can’t get aroused because his brain associates sexual arousal with graphic images. She gets frustrated and so does he.

Viagra can help with the erection issues but then the user will find they can’t climax because their partner just isn’t doing it for them and they are so used to wanking themselves off next to the computer.

It’s a vicious circle and unfortunately I do speak from experience.
I does, however as someone else noted, provide a release and prevent cheating (in the real world sense) when going through a dry spell in a relationship or where there is a mis match of sex drives.

I agree with every word you said Newman, and thank you for being so honest. It's really helpful. He's extremely giving in bed and massively into pleasing me, but his erection has been unreliable. I think it could be the visual thing and being in the habit of frequent wanking. We will see how it goes, will he be able to cut down his usage? $64,000 question I guess. I have a very high sex Drive so I'm really hoping so. I suppose like any addiction, it's not going to be easy.

Thanks again.

Glad to be of help Bluebell.

He’s a very lucky man really. I’ve concluded that the only ways to tackle this are either find someone with a high sex drive or forget all about sex and go and build a huge train set in a shed in the garden.

Unfortunately my DW does not seem to have the high sex drive that you mention so I’m very much stuck in a rut. A train set would be nice but lots of sex would be better.

I think if you can understand where he is (and he’s very lucky to have an understanding partner) and if he’s willing to stop or significantly reduce his porn viewing then you stand a good chance of sorting all of this out.

Hi Bluebell,
Sorry to hear how this is affecting your sex life. When I read your post I thought of this podcast I listened to a while ago. It might be useful/worth a listen? If I remember rightly, it echoes some of the points made here already

smartcouple.libsyn.com/sc-171-porn-vs-having-sex-with-a-real-person-gary-wilson

Thank you Newman. I really want to work things out so I hope he can keep his promise to cut down his usage. As I said previously, I don't expect him to stop altogether. I think used sensibly, it can possibly enhance an already good sex life, which we have. I think it became a habit for him when we went through a very difficult time and it was an easy outlet for him. I just want his erections to become more reliable again and for him to want more 'real' sex. Things have improved but there is still a way to go.

ItsaRight - thank you so much for the podcast info - I will definitely have a listen.

Bluebell, may I suggest you do some real research on this subject. It's ending 58% of marriages.

Search covenanteyes, nofap, and just generally porn addiction dangers and you'll see that it's a real and very, very serious problem. The idea that porn is harmless is peddled by the sites that make money from it and propagated by people like us who want to believe it's harmless, but it most certainly isn't and I dread to think what the effects will be on this young generation, if it's already ending so many marriages now.

I'm sorry you're going through this

I use porn as a relaxation and stress reliever, and it actually stops me from cheating! I kbwk that sounds lame, and I love my life dearly, but done things you just have to sacrifice.

Give me a fucking break 🙄

If the thing stopping you from cheating is porn, you’ve got bigger problems.

OP, I’ve been in your position and it’s fucking soul destroying. My OH at the time started watching porn at a very young age, and had only once in his life managed to ejaculate from penetrative sex. He watched very extreme porn, as that tends to be what happens with porn addicts. You wouldn’t be okay with a drug addict partner using a bit of cocaine here and there, and a porn addict needs to stop using porn. End of story. Have a look at the No Fap group on Reddit, and Your Brain On Porn website. It’s a fucking scourge.

Sorry you've experienced it too Death. The impact porn is having on relationships is horrific and I really fear the younger generation- they've grown up with it.

Things are improving this end but I know I'm not out of the woods with it.

It makes me feel like I'm not enough - like you said - soul destroying.