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Original poster

Want opinions from dads on this please?

15 replies

BabyBird14 · 04/07/2018 23:20

I posted here as I would like opinions from other dads on two incidents that happened when i was younger with my dad. im an adult now. its only small things but they are both things that have affected me a lot since then partly due to the fact that my dad was emotionally, occasionally physically abusive.

The first was when I was about 5 or 6, i still sucked my thumb at that age, and my dad wanted me to stop and had told me for a while not to do it, but i continued doing it. one day he caught me doing it and grabbed my arm and dragged me to the kitchen along the floor and got a big knife from the drawer and held it against my thumb and asked me over n over again if i was gunna stop sucking it, when i finally said yes over n over again he let go.

The second incident was when i was about 13 or 14, i was probably about half a stone to a stone over the weight i should have been at that time. One day we were in the car with my mum and sister and he was driving around trying to find this particular road and we were all looking out at street signs for this particular road, he was getting annoyed and gave up, and as we were leaving i saw the street and pointed to it and said ''dad look its over there'' and he shouted ''SHUT UP YOU LITTLE FAT BITCH" and we all sat in silence for the rest of the drive home and it was never mentioned again.

I wanted to know what other dads out there think about these two incidents. How would you feel if you had done either of these to your daughter? or would you ever do either of these things?

Do dads normally think bad things about their daughters but just not say/act on them?

Thanks in advance for any replies

OP posts:
sirmione16 · 04/07/2018 23:38

I'm not a dad, however my dad was also abusive.

You've recognised in your post that your father WAS abusive. In whatever way. Let me tell you; they have no empathy, therefore no regrets, they won't even think twice on it. My dad insists to this day he was a great dad. Honestly. I could tell you stories to make your stomach churn yet given the time of day, he'd tell everyone how great he was. It's sickening. He blames me and my brother for the no contact we now have (and have had for years) saying it was our decision poor him.

My point? Please don't mull over it. Don't doubt yourself. Don't go back to him for answers that you inevitably won't get. You've grown up and turned into a fantastic person without despite him. Go us.

MrPan · 05/07/2018 15:44

A dad here. Dd is 18.

Never in one million years would those things even occur to me to do.

It's probs true that unless you make a particular effort you parent as you were parented. So am pretty sure your dad was similarly treated. He would have known of the effects but he still did it. That's v probs because he knew he was inadequate.

That behaviour toward any child is never ever okay.

Original poster
BabyBird14 · 06/07/2018 23:42

Thank you both for your replies. They were helpful. I was hoping more people would respond, hopefully more people will soon :)

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 06/07/2018 23:56

I am not a dad, but can tell you that both of those incidents are totally abusive. Not even my pos ex-h would talk to his d's that way. I am guessing that whether or not you recognize it, what you described was only the tip of the iceberg of his abusive behavior. You must get some help to work through your childhood and understand that his behavior was in no way related to you and all about him. Though I'm assuming that since you are asking these questions, you are figuring out how to work through this (with or without help) already.

marciagetscreamed · 07/07/2018 00:09

Baby bird this is awful. I found this quite hard to read. If my husband ever did either of these things to my children I would leave him.
Your dad was most definitely abusive.
I'm sorry that you have these memories.

Original poster
BabyBird14 · 07/07/2018 23:35

thank you for your replies, i appreciate it

OP posts:
CharBar39 · 08/07/2018 18:08

Never acceptable! Sounds abusive to me, did anything else ever happen? Or was it just these 2 occasions out of the blue?

Original poster
BabyBird14 · 08/07/2018 22:42

nah it wasnt just these two incidents, a lot of stuff happened throughout

OP posts:
JohnHunter · 08/07/2018 22:48

You don't need dads to tell you that this behaviour was unacceptable and abusive. It is not normal for fathers to act like this.

user1471596238 · 11/07/2018 10:58

I think that SofiaAmes is right - it's worth considering talking through childhood experiences with a professional. That's not normal behaviour from a parent to a child.

TomPinch · 20/07/2018 08:44

How would you feel if you had done either of these to your daughter?

I would feel appalled at myself. Yes I've lost my temper at my children from time to time and said and done things I've regretted, but nothing like either of those.

or would you ever do either of these things?

Definitely not. And I've never come close to doing so either.

Newman2018 · 21/07/2018 23:45

I’m a dad. My children push me and DW to extremes most days and it’s hard sometimes to not completely lose my temper. But... the incidents you describe are completely unacceptable.
I’m certainly not perfect and have done some ‘bad dad’ things but nothing like that. If I have completely lost my temper I’ve regretted pretty much instantly and vowed not to do it again.
I do want my kids to like me and I’m looking for mutual respect. I sometimes run out of ideas for discipline when they’ve figured a way round the ‘consequences’ if they don’t behave. But no, I certainly don’t think bad things about my daughter. Most of the time she’s lovely although she does have some foul moods which are hard to deal with. Mostly it’s either down to lack of sleep / food or the ability to control her temper with her little brother.
I’m sorry these incidents happened to you. I was speaking with a colleague a while ago and asked her about her dad. Her reply was ‘he’s a bit of a twat and we haven’t spoken for several years’. I found that quite sad and that’s one of several things that have personally made me want to be the best dad I can be.

Roundnround87 · 25/07/2018 23:29

I would NEVER want to do such a thing to my kids, even though they do sometimes push me to the limit.

And this is the thing, pushing me to the limit. I mean one of my kids sucking their thumb doesn’t really get to me as it is more their issue rather than mine. I would probably try to tell them that it’s not good to do that if indeed it is actually bad for them?

Finding directions - if my child found the road I was looking for, well I’d probably feel inclined to congratulate them. Appreciate that looking for directions was stressful in the days before sat nav but still no need for that.

decentchap · 20/08/2018 13:52

No man would ever do that to his kids. What he did to you was unforgivable and damaging. Put simply he didnt/doesnt deserve you.
You have my permission to be a bit screwed up for the next 24 hrs and then forget it. He has no right to affect your life now and you will be stupid if you let him. Nobody makes you into an emotional heap we do it to ourselves. My dad was great moody ocassionally but never insensitive or crass. I love my daughter to bits and always will I call her names but in a loving way - she is secure in the knowledge that I love her and vice versa - always will

decentchap · 20/08/2018 13:54

Oh - I forgot to mention - a real man is a father to all children. One who isnt is something entirely different.

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