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Wife has man stay over at our marital home every

15 replies

Tuffgong34 · 10/06/2018 09:03


This is my first post so I apologise if I'm breaking any rules or this is in the wrong place.

My situation is that my marriage broke down about 6 months ago to the point that my wife asked me to leave the marital home. I did so (even though I paid the full deposit on the home and have done a lot of work on it to make it nice for her) because we have a one year old son and I didn't want things to get ugly by having to get solicitors involved etc.

I've recently been up to the house and seen another man's car there at all hours of the day/morning. My wife has finally admitted that she is 'just dating' someone and that while he stays over at least once a week they are not sleeping together..... I find this hard to believe.

What's killing me is that she sees nothing wrong with having another man stay in our home, and our bed (she's admitted this much) even though we haven't even started divorce proceedings. I have no problem with her dating someone else, but from what I can tell they simply skip the 'going out on a date' but and he comes and stays over.

This has me in turmoil and the feelings of hurt, outrage, anger etc. are just killing me.

Any advice welcomed, thanks everyone.

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 10/06/2018 09:18

Just feel so sorry for you. You are treading on egg shells mainly because of your little boy. I wish I could be helpful but all I can see you doing is to record the instances that you have evidence of these stop overs. If talking is going nowhere I suppose you a) wait to see if these visits blow over or b) instigate divorce proceedings. It is likely she got this visitor from an on line dating source as this seems the norm these days and I know from a family member how easily they can be a disaster. So perhaps wait awhile before deciding to do anything definite. Wish I could help.

Racecardriver · 10/06/2018 09:22

Well you have moved out. I suppose that she thinks of it as her house now. At any rate I yhi k that you are beyond expecting anything from her anymore. I would suggest getting some counselling, this is a very hard time for you and then proceed to divorce. At least thisale visitor of hers will help make the divorce process quicker. Good luck with everything.

RedPandaFluff · 10/06/2018 09:39

I understand why this is hurtful, OP, but why are you turning up to the house "at all hours of the day/morning"? And, sadly, it's not really your business if your wife "skips going out on a date".

It can be so difficult to accept a relationship is over. Perhaps, for you to start the healing process, pre-arranged visits might be best?

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's awful. You will start to move on, but it will take time Thanks

greendale17 · 10/06/2018 09:45

It is your house, I would move back in. Also please go and see solicitor ASAP

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 10/06/2018 09:48

She is entitled to a private life.
You are separated.
I'm puzzled by some of the other responses here to be honest.

If you have a genuine reason to think your child is at risk then proceed on that basis. If you're upset that your wife is moving on then give yourself time and space to process this but recognize this is not something you can change. All you can change is how you feel about it.

If you can try and see her as someone you share parenting duties with rather than someone whose chastity you guard, you will probably get on better in the future.

TeaAndNoSympathy · 10/06/2018 09:57

I do understand this is difficult for you but you are separated. You have moved out, your marriage is over and she has clearly moved on. Her dating or even having casual sex is none of your business. Your wife does not need to explain herself to you, nor should you be asking her to. If you had reason to believe this new man was a danger to your child in some way, that would be different. But from what I can see from your OP, you are just upset she is having sex with someone else?

I would advise you to see a solicitors start divorce proceedings with a view to sorting out the house and finances in a way that is fair to all of you. Getting solicitors involved is necessary in most divorces. It doesn’t have to turn things nasty at all and having finances/child residency sorted out legally would be a relief to you I imagine?

Dancingmonkey87 · 10/06/2018 10:01

It would be totally different response if op was the woman in this case

NapQueen · 10/06/2018 10:04

When a marriage ends both people are free to date and have a relationship with someone else.

My concern here would be that this new person is becoming part of your sons life after a short courtship.

felldownarabbithole · 10/06/2018 10:09

I don't think as much as it hurts that her going on dates with, sleeping with or getting into a relationship is your business. I do appreciate how hurtful that is and that you'd expect to be shown some respect by this not happening so quickly or obviously

I think you have every right to be very angry about someone introduced to your child prior to divorce and without your knowledge and not done gradually. It's a hectic and traumatic time for him - and his mothers priorities seem to lie with herself rather than his needs.

See a solicitor OP

greendale17 · 10/06/2018 11:36

It would be totally different response if op was the woman in this case

^I agree.

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/06/2018 11:40

Well I think posters would be going nuts if the sex was reversed. This man is in the house at ‘all hours’ therefore likely at some point is meeting the baby - much too soon. Also it’s bound to be bloody hurtful for OP and an exDH would be being called a lot of names by now!

You seem to have behaved very nicely so far OP, time to get the divorce rolling so you can divide the assets and have a home each.

Starlight345 · 10/06/2018 11:43

There is a lot of information missing . Why are you at her house all times of the day . You paid the deposit but how long ago ? Is she working.

I think you haven’t emotionally seperated from. Her she clearly has from you

SardineReturns · 10/06/2018 11:48

You split up 6 months ago though, of course she can date, and I don't think its on for you to be questioning her about whether she is having sex.

For the other part, don't know much about divorce, you probably need to talk to a lawyer.

It's been 6 months though.

safeordangerous · 20/06/2018 22:22

Bemused by some of the responses. Its of course poor form to do what your wife has. Unfortunately its seen as part of the course as many Mothers see their children as an extension of themselves. For your own sanity I think you need to do all necessary to draw a line under this. Obviously its hard to know looking from the outside but his would be my gut feeling.

Childrenofthestones · 05/07/2018 22:14


"It would be totally different response if op was the woman in this case"

Totally agree. This place can be highly hypocritical.

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