Mother-in-law- endless frustration

[PontiacBandit45]

Hi all, just wanted to share my recent experiences with you. My wife is 39 weeks pregnant and is due any day now hopefully. She's restless and tired of being pregnant, which is totally understandable. If she ever snaps at me I know it's nothing personal.

What's not understandable is her mother. She is staying with us to give my wife some support whilst I am still at work. However, she is such a downer, and its either directed at my wife and I collectively, or, mostly, at me; literally whatever I do or with the majority of decisions I may talk through or make, she will take the opposite view, making it clear that she doesn't agree or that my chosen action is not right (she doesn't say it's wrong, because I think she couldn't help but acknowledge that that would be too far).

I deliberately go out of my way to try and make things easier for us all, because at the end of the day, this will make things easier/more comfortable for my very- pregnant wife. But I have lost patience with her mum - how can you hope to please or at least pacify someone who apparently can't be!?

I'm trying to not make a thing of it overtly because a) we're so close to having the baby, and b) Mother-in-Law is not someone who has ever apologised or acknowledged her behaviour to date, so why would she change now?

Has anyone else had similar experiences? The reality today was I couldn't wait to go to work to be away from her, but I also want to spend time with my wife. I also know it's important to my wife to have her mum to hand. However the entire dynamic of the house has shifted and I'm don't see anyway it will change until the baby is here, because then there will be someone who really does need to be the centre of attention.

Any advice/comments/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

You don't mention what she was like prior to this, but I can think of lots of reasons why your MIL might be out of sorts about the situation. She might not want to be changing nappies and getting up in the middle of the night to help with feedings. It might make her feel old to be a gran. She might feel like the baby is going to displace her in your wife's attention. She might be worried about how your wife will do in childbirth. Keep a low profile.

A new baby changes everything. It might seem unfair, but it's almost certainly not about you. Hopefully things will change for the better once the baby is born.

How was your relationship with MIL in prior to pregnancy, has anything changed, does she see her daughter less?

MIL has for the past two years split her time between living with my wife and I half the time, and living with her partner (who lives in Scotland) the other half. The house is therefore set up for all of us; she has her own room, own stuff, it's not like she's on the sofa or anything. When she's not here, my wife and I always get on fine and there's a very clear understanding of shared responsibility. When there's the three of us, MIL largely dominates the house, but I think she feels like the third wheel.
In terms of relationship before, it was generally good but sometimes similar to the situation above. MIL has had some bad experiences with men and fathers in the past, and I've sometimes thought this opinion she has of men generally, valid as it may be in her experience, has something to do with it.
In terms of baby responsibilities, we haven't asked her to do any of those things, nor have we made it clear that those are our expectations. If anything, we've made it clear we need to nail those things because we don't have any other family close to jump in to help.

Why does she stay with you half the time? Is there some reason for this?

Fuck that shit! Why’s she living with you for half the year?

Its mainly to help both parties; my wife and I have been paying 2/3rds of the rent, so we ultimately have been able to save more the baby and maternity. MIL has also been able to save money as she is single.
We also used to all live together in Manchester in her house, whilst wife and I moved jobs. Used to be okay as I think power was very much with MIL as it was obviously her house.

Is it possible the dynamic may shift after the baby is born? Could be with a controlling mother your DW may start to agree with you? Either way, as long as you have an agreement where she stays with you for six months of the year it's not going to get better - you need to change that when your DW agrees and feels stronger.

IMO your DW - and you - are way too enmeshed with MiL, financially and for housing, and this is bound to cause problems.