no social life, no time for myself

[newdad003]

first time Dad and new poster here, not sure if there's any advice any Dads (or mums☺) could give but I've been feeling stretched very thin, since baby was born - for about 7 months now - I've had virtually no social life, haven't got to hang out with any friends but maybe once for a couple hours... this is largely due to baby needing our attention (mum is in the same boat as me) pretty much 24/7-- doesn't sleep by herself more than a couple hours at a time, day OR night, and will not let us lay her down to sleep so we basically have to stay awake and hold her while she sleeps, including all night every night, she wakes up if we lay her down and just screams, she gets so upset and cries so hard she has trouble taking breaths! she's fine if we hold her... we don't have but one family member who can watch her for an hour or two once in awhile, which is just enough time every couple weeks to maybe get some housework done that we can't get to for weeks before that... we switch off sleeping, but due to mum battling post partum depression and requiring more sleep than a mum without it, it's a daily battle for me to get more than 3 hours of sleep in any given day, due to work schedule AND baby's demands... therefore, not only is there no time for any sort of social life to hang out with a friend etc., also don't have time for much self care, quiet time to myself, exercise, reading, or otherwise basic things that most probably take for granted😐 I realize there are many sacrifices when it comes to raising a child, I'm on board with that and I love my daughter, it's just the extreme that 99.8% of time not working is spent parenting and it's taking a toll on me.. I know I am depressed because of all this, as much as I try to suppress it because I need to just keep swimming.. but there's no family & friends support system we can use to get a little bit of time to have fun outside of parenting once in awhile😞 there's just no easy answer, right? maybe it will get better when she starts sleeping by herself, or sleeping more hours at a time, or both, but how many more months (or years?) will that be? no one can really say right? grateful for any advice or ideas to try, thanks in advance

Why is she crying so much? Underlying health reason such as colic? I suggest taking her to the gp and checking this.

You can start sleep training from 12 months.

In the meantime, you and your wife should alternate nights. One sleep while the other sees to dd. Could you co-sleep? You ,Ishtar all get more sleep.

But a lot of it is just normal - this too will pass. You have much less time as a couple/to yourself when you have a baby.

Is your dd bf or bottle fed? If the latter, your wife could go out for a break and you can look after dd, and vice versa. No need for you both to look after dd all the time.

Hi, your DD sounds like my DS1. He also wouldn’t let us put him down for a moment. I had to starve and go without drink literally as I just could not put him down for a moment, I couldn’t bear the screaming. I caved in after 4 months and brought him into our bed, he woke up just as much, but I could breastfeed him in the half-awake state and go back to sleep. And I could feed him straight away as soon as I felt him stir before he woke up fully and started wailing, loudly. Having that first baby was the hardest thing I have done. He started to sleep somewhat better after 2.5 years, but he is still a poor sleeper now at 10!

Hang in there, it is very hard. Accept any help you can get with anything. Nobody helped us and it was a tough tough time. But we made it. You will too :) just tough it out... it’s not forever...trust me

Have you seen a doctor? A baby normally wouldn't cry like that all the time, particularly at seven months old when colic has normally passed. Does she cry all the time, e.g. in the bouncer or lying on the floor, or just at nap/bedtime?

It sounds like possible reflux to me but I am not a doctor, and you should definitely go visit yours.

Meanwhile do try swapping nights so you can each get a night off?

It sounds tough - you both have my total sympathy..

Sympathies to both of you OP, that’s sounds very hard. Hang in there, it will get better at some point, hopefully soon!

thank you so much for all the replies and suggestions everyone - alternating nights seems like a good idea on the surface, it won't be easy to do I'm sure but at least we'd both get more sleep every other day, or on whatever system we figure out for switching it up as for our daughter, we know she does have mild reflux but we've been to Dr for it and it's not deemed bad enough to require medicine for it... our daughter is also actually a pretty happy baby, no colic, and she doesn't cry much in fact it's just when she wakes up and realizes she's not being held (we know this from when we've tried to lay her down while she's sleeping) I hope it's true that "this too shall pass", especially when she gets into her 2nd year if we can get her to sleep alone and longer it will be a godsend!

Hey there, not sure how much help this will be as our little one is younger but my partner and I split the nights. For example last night I went to sleep super early at around 8 when the baby went to sleep and then my partner looked after her until 2 and then I took the early morning shift.
Has your wife tried a carrier for the day time? Then if baby wakes she is already being held?
I don't think it takes 2 people to look after little one at all times so maybe one of you could go to the gym while the other watches the baby? Or tag team on the weekends so Saturday morning you watch her so your wife can do things and then swap. The fact we are formula feeding probably helps us with that however. If BF could your wife express some so you could cover her a little?

salad, she is bottle fed exclusively now (was breast and bottle for first few months) we do alternate feeding her, pretty much equally depending on who is up with her at night etc. we have not tried co sleeping as we don't have the right bed/equipment for it, and even if she was sleeping on a little bed mounted on the side of our bed (that's how it works right?), I think she'd be upset that she's not being held - it would be a trial by fire to let her cry to try to "get over it", not sure we could do that - incidentally my relationship with my wife is strained because we've slept in same bed merely once in 7 months😐

pixie thank you for your input😊 we do already split nights, but we both get so exhausted can't stay awake for very long at once, we each just go as long as we can with her until we're utterly exhausted and at risk of falling asleep while holding baby (can't let that happen and risk dropping her etc.)-- we will definitely consider all your ideas☺ thanks!

God that sounds awful. There is a good book called 'The No Cry Sleep Solution', I think you need to crack on with sleep training. You can't be holding a 7 month baby all the time to sleep.

Thank you Ragusa for the book recommendation - I agree with what you said!

When I bought my son home, it seemed every time we went to have tea he would start! Crying non stop , until one of us picked him up
Every time like he new.

Health visitor said to take him upstairs in his Moses basket, come down (listening on alarm in kitchen) I had to put fingers in my ears
Hubby had to stop me going up and getting him.
From that night, he’d cry a bit but nothing like before.

Try it, put her upstairs. Put the baby monitor on(to listen he she’s sick)
Let her know, she can’t be held all the time. You’ve made a rod for your own back..
Honestly nothing will happen to her, if you can’t then
Buy a monitor with a screen, so you can see her
Shes just crying for attention that’s shes always had from the beginning
So will hate being put down,
she cry’s when she wakes up because she’s not where she’s used to
Being held,
You can’t carry on like this, you both need sleep. No wonder your like you both are.

I'm taking into account everything you say Haribogirl, I just wish it was that simple.. even if I am more than ready to try to let her be when she cries because of not being held (i AM more than ready), I'm not going to convince my wife to do so😐 and we have to be on the same page with such a serious parenting issue.. but I appreciate your input, I really do

That’s NUTS - the first few weeks this is how babies are, but not at 7 months! How often do you try to put her down each night and how do you do it?

Some things that might help:
Get a sleepyhead. At 7 months you probably need the larger one.
Warm the sleepyhead with a hot water bottle before you try and transfer.
Like it with a t shirt you’ve worn so it smells like you.
Wait until the baby is soundly asleep on you, then lower her to the sleepyhead, keeping your body in contact with her. Don’t move back until she’s fully placed down. Move your body slowly away, then move to ‘shhhh pat’. If the baby wakes and cries, do shhh pat again for a minute to see if she’ll go back off without the need for picking up. If she’s still crying, pick her back up, get her back to sleep, wait 10 minutes and try again. And again. And again. The time she stays down for will grow each time.

There are several different approaches to sleep training that you could try before the crying it out approach that @Haribogirl has described. It is a huge shift to go from holding for all sleeps to crying it out.

You could look at gradual retreat, pick up put down, or controlled crying (short intervals of crying before returning, not just leaving to cry) and so on.

In your situation I think I'd start with safe co sleeping, with a bedside cot. We have a cot bed that is right up against our bed, initially with the side off and the mattresses level. Important that there is no gap between the bed and the cot, obviously. If you have a co-sleeper crib that would be the easiest. You can also put a bed guard on the other side of the bed, and we made the floor safe as well with spare mattresses/pillows just in case. I used to be half in the bed side cot, curled around my DS until he was sound asleep and then I would roll away. When he was used to being in the cot we put the side back on, and put him down to sleep after feeding. He protested to begin with, but we would comfort and then try again. Eventually he got used to it and will now try and climb into his cot when it's bedtime and happily goes to sleep (he's 20 months).

Will she sleep in the bed with you? My DD2 wouldn't be put down but would sleep lying down next to me with her head in the crook of my arm.

Thank you for the recommendations Pony and Beauty :) we are talking about getting a sleepyhead or some sort of thing to put on floor in her room to help start a transition, to co-sleep we'll probably try an air mattress next to her to get her used to sleeping in her room as well as not being held, we'll be right next to her, so that at least we can get some sleep when she does sleep - and eventually transition into a crib/toddler bed... MinnieMouse our bed is not large enough to co sleep, and personally I will not fall asleep with her in the crook of my arm or otherwise right up next to me for fear of rolling over onto her in my sleep (when I do sleep I am OUT)

Have you tried taking your daughter to a cranial osteopath? We took our first and I know many friends that have done the same and it has helped with sleeping. Not expensive if you find the right one (we go to a good one at backtoback in Earlsfield) it might just help....