Family life not easy

[safeordangerous]

Right so not an easy subject. But just want to discuss and get some objective opinions

Wife and I have been together 11 years and married just over the past 5.

We have 4 kids. Three lads and youngest a daughter. Daughter was unexpected but a lovely surprise as we didn't think we'd have a daughter. Ages 9, 7, 3 and 2.

So the issue is my wife. She had a difficult time growing up. An overbearing Dad who I believe was either badly depressed or perhaps bi-polar.

My wife has a lot of his tendencies. She's been diagnosed with severe depression late last year and is on medication. In truth though the issues have been going on for years.

She regularly goes too far with our oldest son. Twisting what he says to give a meaning which isn't intended to suggest he's being mean / nasty.

She doesn't really interact with the kids as much as I'd expect. She is on her phone a lot of the day. Particularly the last 2 years. Literally glued to her phone whilst the kids are playing round her. I will use my phone but always aim to limit in the day to interact with the kids.

She's been a SAHM mom for pretty much the whole time we've had the kids. I've suggested countless times to have breaks / do something away from the kids to have a break but is always reluctant. Althouh at the same time likes to complain how she doesn't get a break.

I rarely get out these days. In truth the only social life the last couple of years is the odd drink after work here and there but whereas the issue used to be me going out now and then it's now doing anything which isn't specifically family related and even then it's an issue if I take the older kids out too much as apparently it's at the expense of the younger kids.

Our oldest son has modified his behaviour considerably and does his best to stay out of the firing line.

It came to a head over Christmas which wasn't helped by us all having flu pretty bad. Her bad behaviour is apparently due to me not being attentive enough. Whilst I accept i could be more attentive to her I do my best to spend as much time with the kids as i can and just find it difficult when she shows the behaviour she does.

Since Christmas I just don't want to be at home any more. Get round it by spending my time doing things with kids at weekend or housework jobs etc.

I don't think there's an easy answer to this but can't see it working much longer. Even though she's been trying more of late in terms of keeping temper etc I just think the feelings towards her have evaporated.

Hi

I hope you don’t mind me offering a female opinion together with some personal experiences which may be relevant.

How you’ve described your wife reminds me very much of my mum. My mum battled with severe depression from the age of 13. As a child I never understood why my mum flew into one for silly things and took a lot of things personally. I never understood why my mum exaggerated my behaviour to my dad (he never reacted that much) and I never understood why everything seemed like so much trouble for her. When I was 18, I found out how bad my mum’s childhood was because that’s when she was finally honest with my dad about what things were like for her. She too was on medication which barely helped but led to peeks and troughs in her behaviour.

When she finally told everyone, she got help to manage her behaviour and built up anger and frustration through cognitive behavioural therapy. It really did help her but I felt that it was a little late. I was grown up and heading towards needing therapy for depression myself.

I suppose the points I’m trying to make are:

1. your wife may not have discussed everything with you. Please don’t think I’m trying to suggest anything here, I’m really not but people sometimes hide painful feelings from those closest to them.

2. your wife may be so trapped in a bad place that she doesn’t know how to behave!

3. every adult is responsible for their own actions regardless of depression or any other condition and, while certain allowances can be made for people with mental health issues, if you and your children are suffering, then it needs addressing. I can’t tell you how much I wish my dad had pushed my mum earlier to get extra help.

4. recognise that you can only do so much. An adult has to want to change or they never will make a lasting improvement as much as you encourage them. If your wife doesn’t want to change or won’t take the necessary steps then you can’t make her. Nobody can or should advise you on when it’s time to end a marriage, that’s so deeply personal that only you can make that decision for yourself and your children.

I hope in some way this has helped.

Sorry for such a long post.

Thanks for reply. Yes i dont mind if male or female just interested in the thoughts of those who may have gone through something similar (which sadly it appears you did).

Sorry can i ask a follow on question. When your mom got the help did it make a big difference. My wife is getting the help now and Im optimistic things will improve. But Im also concerned the impact has on our eldest (clealry its had an impact on your life and it seems you were in a similar situation).

I will take on board your comments. If its not to personal if theres any advice you could give that you think would help or as a youngster you feel would have helped that would really interest me. Thanks

Yes, the cognitive behavioural therapy helped immensely for a good few years but it was tough going while she was getting help. It may have been so tough because she’s kept it to herself for so long and it may have been especially tough for her. As with all therapy though, it gets worse before it gets better but it’s definitely worth the outcome. The good thing about it is, once help has been sought once, they are usually quite good at recognising the signs of needing help again sooner and so it’s always easier when it’s revisited. Unfortunately, my mum had a stroke 6 years after her first therapy and so could no longer manage her behaviour due to cognitive impairment.

You should be optimistic as it is a huge step for her. I hope she does really well and works hard at it.

It was you describing your eldest son that moved me to comment more than anything else. Children, no matter what age, know when something is wrong with a parent, the fact that he has adapted his behaviour around his mother makes me feel sad. It means he’s accepted that it’s ok and is doing his best to work around it. I remember being able to read my mum’s expressions and then deciding whether or not to stay upstairs or whether or not to ask for something.

In terms of advice, I think your children, particularly your eldest, needs to know that you acknowledge when she’s behaved badly towards him/them and that it’s not ok! Let him know that your wife doesn’t think it’s ok either and she’s trying to help the way she acts. Encourage her to try and let him/them know that herself if she will.

There were definite things that impacted on me the most and caused issues in adulthood but those things won’t be the same for your son I don’t think.

I never saw my dad challenge my mum. I got the odd apology off my mum but nothing else. I know now that my dad constantly challenged her in private which led to apologies but I remember thinking that my dad must be trying to keep mum happy too, just like the rest of us are (I’m one of six). It would have helped for him to tell us that he knew we weren’t being a pain and he knew it was just mum struggling to cope. I personally needed to know that my mum loved me and she didn’t pick on me because of something that was wrong with me.

Just a question if you don’t mind me asking, is your eldest son a lot like his mum in personality, do they have similar characteristics? Do they look alike?

I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit too opinionated. It’s difficult to comment on someone’s family life without knowing too much about them - it’s a fine line. If there’s anything specific you want to ask, I don’t mind.

Yes Ive told my son before that Mom's behaviour is due to certain factors. Didnt want to do it but like you say its kind of had to be done so he understands its not his fault. At times its a nod and a wink and trying to make light of things to ease a tense situation. Wife has tried to explain this herself on occasion which has helped.

Our eldest is quite like me and I think this is some of the issue. Its a way of lashing out and I really dont like it as at times it feels like using son to have a go at me. Not saying Im faultless or anything but theres ways of doing things.

Our second eldest has a minor disability and hence our eldest is maturity / understanding wise a lot more advanced than the others. But having said that she would do it when eldest was only 5. Its something I just dont understand.

He sounds like a very mature little boy. You should be proud.

I hope things go well.

Hi there,

My mom was also depressed whilst I was growing up and behaved very cruelly as a consequence, more to my brother than to me as I was more emotionally intelligent and able to manage her better.

It was very difficult and affected both my brother and I profoundly. I had a lot of anger and low self esteem (years of therapy have helped), and my brother ended up turning to drinking and drugs and overdosing at the age of 26. He had other issues too but this was a major factor I believe.

I don't necessarily think my dad should have left- in fact I admire him for staying and my mom is much better now- but my mom ne see a lot more help than she got (ppl didn't understand depression then), and we needed more honesty and support and understanding around why she behaved as she did.

Leaving May or may not be required depending on how she is and what impact she is having.

Sad story. Hopefully this help and medication will make the difference.

Being a sahm is a hard job. It can be very isolating. I’ve found I probably spend too much time on my phone because I feel lonely and in truth a bit bored. I think coupled with your wife being depressed it’s obviouy very difficult. Could she see a counsellor? If her father potentially had bi-polar is this something that should be explored? Have you both got any outside support? Your wife is obviously going through a very hard time but remember to look after yourself. I’m a carer to two special needs children and it has taken its toll on my mental health.