Ambivalent to news of pregnancy

[Goingkrazy]

My partner in 9 weeks pregnant after a year of us trying to conceive. However rather than feeling excited about the news, I am completely ambivalent. This has come as a complete surprise to me and I fee guilty and ashamed. The more I think about this the less certain I feel that this is what I want, and the more I read about exhausted and disillusioned parents, the worse the situation seems.
This is not at all how I thought I would feel and the guilt is eating me up.
Will this feeling pass? Has anyone else been through this? Did it pass? Did it not?

Couldn't read and run. I'm female and looking at grandmotherhood so my take is may be a bit invalid to you - however I do remember being far more frightened about it all when it was finally happening than I had ever expected when we were blithely chattering about babies in an indefinite future tense. I hope you and your partner can work through this.

In real non facebook/tv/movie life, this is a completely normal reaction!

Also don't forget that happy and fulfilled parents are far less likely to post online about their lives than grumpy disillusioned ones.

Totally normal to feel a big pang of "oh crap I'm not sure I want this after all" for men and women alike, even with planned babies.

Has there been a scan yet? Presumably not at 9 was. That can be a turning point to see it there on the screen. Time too. It's a big change and has only been a few short weeks so far to get your head around it.

Have you mentioned your feelings to your partner? I would recommend doing so - it's a time to pull together, not apart. Not in an 'all about you' way, more in the spirit of honesty and openess, and to see how she's feeling about it all.

I was the same and I’m the pregnant one! It’s a huge, huge life change and a lot to get your head around. Especially in those early weeks where there’s no bump, no physical proof of what’s happening (apart from morning sickness etc, which is no bloody fun). Must be even odder for you as the bloke!

Once we saw the baby at the 12 week scan, started to tell friends and family and I started to show, I got a lot more excited.

My DH was happy after we conceived our first born, but it really didn't kick in till she was born. It was like a switch had been flicked on and he was head over heels. It's a strange thing for some men, it's not ”happening" to them in the way it is to the mother.

I have an ongoing health condition, I went online to find a support group for it. The first one I found - and the second too - were extremely depressing. Everyone had had big issues for years and years, it was ruining their life, total horrors.

Dispirited, I came on here and posted in Chat. Whereupon about six people popped up and said they'd had this, don't worry it nearly always goes away again. And one very wise one said that no-one ever posts on a health forum to say HEY I'M BETTER NOW!! , they only ever post to have a bit of a whinge.

I agree about online whinging. Why post that you had a pretty ordinary content day?

"My baby is latching well, gaining weight and sleeping through the night" would have you accused of being an insensitive goady fucker online, although in real life people often do talk about their easy contented babies!

I was full out depressed the first time I found out I was pregnant, terrified the second (I knew what I was getting into) and overjoyed with the third :) My husband was happy about the first two and flat out said "I'm NOt happy" about the third lol. But obviously our 3 munchkins are the best thing in our lives and we wouldn't change it for the world. It's just always a big shock when you find out your life is about to drastically change I think. I feel like my whole life would be empty and pointless if I didn't have my kids.

I'll be completely honest: when I found out I was pregnant with my planned second I did a uturn and regreted it. I felt guilty about the effect I thought it would have on my first and regretted the decision. I 100% loved no1 way way more than no 2 while pregnant with no2....until no 2 was born that is!

Im SO glad I had no 2 it was the best decision ever.

Pregnancy is weird.

Of course it's normal to feel the way you do, having a baby is a massive life change. If you weren't worried at all, that would be concerning.

My DH and I are trying to conceive. I have 4 of my own already, he doesn't have any of his own. I know I will worry when I do fall pregnant, was it the right choice, can we really manage, what if we can't cope and end up splitting etc etc. All natural and normal when faced with a huge hypothetical thing becoming a reality!

I also know, however, from having four already, how amazing and special it is, having children in your lives. Watching and helping them achieve, seeing them go from babyhood, to toddler, to child and in my case, my eldest is about to be a teen. They have brought much more depth to my life than there ever was before them. A meaning as such. For example, all the mistakes and unpleasant stuff that's happened in my life, now has a reason and meaning: so I can help guide my children.

Honestly, hang on in there and try to avoid reading the bad stuff. The internet always gives a very one sided view.

I don't remember DH skipping around the room when I got the positive test result tbh; I was worried about money, worried about the baby, worried about my unstable work situation. It doesn't reflect on the type of father he is. Other posters are right, you only hear the worst of it on social media. When I brought DS home, I just remember the first week being a lovely sleepy haze of sleeping when he slept, and finally being able to sleep on my front again. It honestly wasn't bad.

Totally normal...imo. I went through the mill trying to fall pregnant. When it happened I was just like you.

It sounds completely normal to me too. My DH didn't really seem that interested in my pregnancy either until our little ds were here and he was smitten. I think scans help to make it more real for men.

Good luck OP and congratulations!

As I had feared, this has not gone well. The doubts and regret have only intensified and as the baby grows older, I truly regret this decision.

You’re not alone, they get more interesting when they can walk and talk, however remember it’s not the child’s fault.

If it makes you feel any better I felt similar to you, never been particularly paternal or interested in kids, but something happened that nobody warned me about and I didn't expect. I fell utterly and completely in love my daughter when she arrived. I hoped that I would love her but in the event it was much much stronger than that.

Perhaps it's nature's way of making sure you stick around.

I suppose a major difference is that she was an easy child to care for our second daughter was very much more of a handful from the get go. We often joke had we had her first we wouldn't have had a second.

There's no doubt, I love my child with all my heart.

But can we just cut the BS, and admit that the lifestyle sacrifice you have to make when becoming a parent is immense. The relationship with your partner is all but destroyed. You become one half of a 2 part tag team, with chores and childcare dominating any time you have outside of the 9-5.

Seriously, I cannot comprehend why people have a 2nd, 3rd etc child.

I always think of the phrase, 'it takes a village.' Raising children goes beyond mum and dad, but in the Western world 100% of the pressure is placed on the parents, especially the mother. This is unnatural and unfair. It does take a community to help keep children safe, stimulated and evolving. I think that was more how it used to be (although it would come with risks of course) and now it's expected that two people shoulder it all.

Do you have a supportive 'village' to help you?

Zero

Ok,when I found out I was pg with a planned pg I cried and was really scared
It’s fucking enormous responsibility and it takes 9mth to get yourself less scared
You adapt because you have to,because instincts compel you to,and it’s a turbulent time
It changes everything you need to be responsible
You have no spontaneity, zero. Everything is about baby
In immmediate birth period you need to step up for partner & baby. You’ll want to do this

Talk now - have the big talk about
money, how are finances organised
Is she going back to work?
When partner returns to work will you use Nursery or cm or nanny or family members
schools, faith or non denomination. You’ll need to get baptised etc if you’re planning faith school
Parenting style
How were you brought up, what do you both think are required attributes as behaviour

Gah I’ve replied to a 3yo post, kid will be potty trained and eating pizza

Apologies for potentially hijacking this thread, but I (relatively) recently found out I'm going to be a dad and feel in a similar boat.

My partner is 4 months gone now, but I still don't feel anything other than fear, panic and the sensation that this is a huge mistake. I worry that I'm in complete denial, and desperately trying to avoid facing up to things.

Things have not helped by going through a pretty hefty period of depression, either - I feel as if I can't even be there for myself, let alone my other half.

This is all normal behaviour, right?