SAHD whats the problem?

[Foolish1]

Why do people have such a problem with SAHD? I thought we were all equal, it seems SAHM are doing the hardest job in the world while SAHD are lazy bums! I look after two kids, keep the house (though not as well as my wife did), but also run a small farm, do all the carpentry, plastering, lay a new driveway - whatever needs doing, take them to six after school things a week and get constant snide comments "what do you do all day?" "so you are not working then?". Bit of a kick in the balls tbh. Why do they feel the need? Do other SAHD get the same or am I special?

Nothing wrong with it at all. Stigma of the past where men went to work to earn the crust probably. Between my OH and I; I do more around the house than her, and that's not a complaint, I like order in the house and she's not so bothered. I wouldn't have a problem staying at home after the next one. Works well for us, hopefully attitudes will change in years to come....

I don't think you're lazy OP.

But I have experienced the opposite to you - my DH did reduces hours and the lions share of school runs, kids parties, etc etc while I worked away for a few years developing my career.

People used to tell me what a saint he was and how not many men would do it.

I used to be like, hang on a minute, thousands of women all over the world do what he did day in day out while their husbands work on their careers, nobody ever wants to dish out the medals to them!!

Yeah, we've experienced both sides of this.
My DP is a SAHD.
I've had the "Oh isn't he Good? How well you've got him trained"
And he's had the "anything to get out of working eh?"

No, he's not well trained (if he was my house would be a bit tidier )
He's not some sort of saint.
He's doing what thousands of women all over the country do and raising his kids.
And no he's not lazy. Looking after 3 kids all day and managing their various appointments (one has glue ear, one has selective mutism) and then dealing with me (I have autism) after a long day at work is fucking HARD.

Thank you for your replies!

Good to know I am not alone, I have been surprised by attitudes towards it, tbh I expected less pressure and questioning over it. It really seems to bemuse people. Now I think of it though, I don't know a single other SAHD in the area, maybe they wont be as horrified by the next one at least

My ex was a SAHD and was in fact a lazy bum, it just didn't suit him and I ended up doing everything and managing what he did. It didn't work at all, however it worked really well for friends of mine, totally depends on the person/people involved.

Yes, men and women are equal but women are MORE equal. (misquote).
I was a SAHD did the a fair bit of the running around, play sessions during the day etc, some shopping and the usual household stuff and some self employed work and house repairs etc.
Somehow when it came to divorce 'actually even doing a bit under half the 'childcare' etc seemed to class as being totally idle and valueless.

I don’t think it’s just dads that get this. I’m a sahm and I’m constantly asked what I do all day and when am I going to get a proper job again. I don’t think it’s a male/ female thing at all.

My DH has been a SAHD for 10 years. He's the opposite of lazy. He's also the only one he knows though we do have friends who both work part time and share childcare 50:50.

SAHDs struggle with the guilt of not bringing in money.
Working Mum's struggle with the guilt of not being at home with the kids.
Both struggle with the stress of their responsibilities.
And then society makes them feel worse by telling them they're doing things the wrong way round!
Personally I have found the most negativity coming from females. Usually grannies openly criticising me, which I find infuriating, and other mothers blatantly ignoring me/not inviting me to SAHM activities.
It's a real shame, because despite these issues we are both really happy with our roles and are probably best suited to them.

HolyGoats

I don’t think it’s just dads that get this. I’m a sahm and I’m constantly asked what I do all day and when am I going to get a proper job again. I don’t think it’s a male/ female thing at all.

I agree. While pregnant I was asked when I would go back to work. When I expressed that I intended to be a sahm I was responded to as if I was making a bad decision, treated as if I was lazy, questioned about why I had a problem with putting my baby into childcare (I never said I had a problem with childcare). I've known other sahp being regarded in this way. Having worked predominantly in childcare and having people treat my career choice as inferior or easy glorified babysitting where you allegedly sit on your butt all day, I conclude that it's not about gender. It's more about how children are not as valued as adults within society. Children are people too. In my eyes they have equal value. Not everyone thinks that though. So, people who have roles to do with children aren't considered as having the same value as other contributors to society. Teachers, childcare workers are underpaid; an author of adult literature is usually regarded more highly than an author of children's picture books. Roald Dahl said in one of his biographies that he found picture books much harder to write than junior fiction or short stories etc. So, it is an issue of not valuing or recognizing the important role parents play in their children's lives and ultimately how that contributes to society. It's not recognizing the important role that children have in society (they give a hell of a lot more than they are given credit for). Mums and dads could work together on this issue rather then getting caught up in gender roles.

Chocolatelavender

You make a great point. There is plenty of scientific evidence proving that children's' health, education and wellbeing is perhaps the most important thing for society. In this country - and many others - this is just not being recognised or respected.

However, the gender role is still an issue. In all surveys that have been carried out, the vast majority still believe that men should be working and women are best at being SAHPs. There is currently no scientific/statistical data to support this.

The only thing that has been proven over many studies is that the child/children are better having one SAHP than none.

You raise a valid point

SAHDbuthappy
'The only thing that has been proven over many studies is that the child/children are better having one SAHP than none.'

This is exactly why I chose to be a sahp. Gender roles and prejudices surrounding gender are still widespread, I agree with that. However, I just wanted to reassure that many sahm in this day and age experience prejudice and contempt too. I had a sahd for a neighbor and our other neighbors treated him as someone incredibly special. He did eventually work part time when his ds was older. Even being regarded highly and as some kind of special person for doing what he did is a form of prejudice as something unusual. I've seen fathers who are very involved with their children being regarded as the exception to the rule in my years in childcare. As for differences in gender much of it is learned behavior. I remember this 3 yr old boy in a childcare centre I worked in asking me if boys were allowed to like pink. He asked me quietly while we were walking on a nature trail while holding my hand. There were pink flowers along the trail. I said all the colours in the world are for everyone to enjoy. He looked visibly relieved. He picked some of the flowers, gave one for me, another one that he handed to me was for his mummy, he kept the others for himself and to give to his friends. Also, we made it clear that all the toys were for all the children. None were just for boys or girls. Occasionally I had a parent concerned about their son playing with dress ups or dolls. One dad had a meeting with me asking me not to let his son play with the dress ups. The dress ups were clothes donated by parents and were predominantly women's clothing. His son loved the dress ups along with most of the children. I asked the dad if he'd feel better about the dress ups if they had more men's clothing. He said yes. I put out a letter asking if parents could donate some men's clothing for the dress ups and had a great response. Win win. His son got to play with dress ups (choosing both women's and men's clothing) and dad was reassured. It still highlights issues of imposing expectations on children to fulfill gender roles in their play, their clothes, their preferences. We have a long way to go. In regards to being a sahp, while there are issues of gender I do think people in paid work are seen as having greater importance to society and both mums and dads can find themselves on the receiving end of contempt for choosing to stay at home. Having studied early childhood development and working in childcare I am concerned about this push towards both parents going back to work and putting their children into the care of others. The option should be there for parents who need this option but it shouldn't be regarded as something everyone should do. In mine and other parents situations the choice to decide who goes back to work comes down to who earns more in order to make it doable. A lot of women earn less then men. I earned significantly less and there is no way a family could live off my wage.

Chocolatelavender

More great points; it seems we agree on most things here!

As you point out, there are two sides to everything gender-related issue. What surprises me is the number of females who contribute to the stereotyping. Speaking to girls differently from boys, dressing them differently, expecting them to act differently. Also viewing men who take up traditionally female roles as weak or pathetic. Men will also complain about working hard at their jobs and not seeing their children but at the same time be unwilling to consider swapping roles. It's not until you have children that you become aware of these things so acutely.

With regards to having at least one SAHP, it is possible for everyone in this country - at least until the kids are at school anyway. We live in what is officially considered to be poverty, but we are happy and don't want for anything except maybe an occasional holiday!

I'm a SAHD and I must admit that I've never had any negative reactions. A couple of blokes have said that they wouldn't fancy doing it but that's not the same as a criticism, more that it wouldn't suit them. There is always a load of stuff to do as my youngest is only in playgroup in the mornings and my older one needs picking up from school at 3.15 + shopping, domestic chores like cleaning, washing and cooking and I also do volunteer work a couple of mornings a week. I'm not some kind of virtuous, new age guy but the whole division of labour and 'this job is for women and this job is for men' is a load of old bollocks.