Divorce - My kids

[jamesy12]

I am new to this site and new to the asking for advice thing, but I feel I need some advice/thoughts on my situation!

January this year I moved out of my marital home, after a big fight (physical from my wife) in front of our two children aged 13 and 10, because she had found out I had been seeing someone else, an estranged friend of hers. I am going to be honest here, I had been seeing this girl, in the form of text messages and a few meetings involving nothing but kissing for 2 months. No sex. I know this doesn’t matter, I was doing wrong. I had been intending to end things with my wife for a while and as it was the run up to Xmas, I thought it best to get that out of the way before making that leap, which I did. I managed to end our marriage, with her in agreement that it was dead in the water, inbetween xmas and new year. We hadn’t had a physical relationship for nearly 5 years, we never rowed, she openly told me she didn’t love me, I found out a few years ago she was engaged in texts and meetings with another man and I never really got over that and gave up trying.

Anyway, she chucked me out new years day after finding out about my affair. It was all done in the open in front of the kids which was heartbreaking. I moved straight in with the other woman, I had nowhere else to go and I had fallen in love with her. 11 months on and we have an incredible relationship. My wife seems to have forgotten all about our terrible marriage and has remained focussed on the affair, even now it is still very fresh. She even physically attacked my now partner, putting her in hospital and has a police record to show for it. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t receive horrible vicious texts messages from my ex, wishing me dead, saying my kids hate me, how could I have done this etc. She seems to have pieced together a version of events that is no where near the actual truth.

My kids, this is the difficult part. They are very highly influenced by my ex wife, she doesn’t spare them her feelings, she openly swears at my now partner when she sees her, all in front of them both, I think they feel guilty about seeing me, it took months to get some regular set days with them, and even now they reluctantly want to spend time with me. When we do go out, they always have fun and they don’t seem to hold a grudge with me and have talked about things with me. I call them every night without fail and more often than not, they both sound very down and depressed. Trying to get them out to do fun stuff, it’s a struggle, I get cant be bothered and such. After nearly 12 months its not getting any easier.

Obviously I have started the divorce proceedings, I have done this based on her unreasonable behaviour, which she has signed and agreed to. The next part is the financial and kids bit. I had my solicitor send a letter out a few weeks ago asking my ex wife to refrain from texting threatening messages and as she is not encouraging my relationship with the kids I will be asking her to join me in mediation. She clearly didn’t read the letter as I got a vicious text straight away! God knows how the mediation is going to go, she cannot hold her temper, but that’s nothing new.

If anyone has any advice on how I can get my kids past all this I would be so grateful. I don’t want to badmouth my ex and defend my actions to them, whats done is done, I just want to get them thinking about moving on and not dwelling on a bad situation, life doesn’t have to continue to be bad, I feel like they are missing out on so much and its ok for them to have fun with me, I’m still there dad.

Help

First of all contact the police and Male an official complaint of harrasment. They’ll fob you off at first but stand your ground. It’s worth doing for 2 reasons: 1) it’ll stop the messages and 2) it’ll be evidence in court. Also, whilst telling them about th harrasment mention the violence too.

If your name is on the mortgage you ar as much entitled to be in the house as your wife.

Also, if your names on the birth certificate of your children you’ve 50/50 rights over access to children. So don’t let her tell to otherwise.

Sadly, the odds are stacked against you so play the system, even if it’s against your nature, and you’ll be fine.

How often do you see the kids?

In your shoes I’d argue for 50:50 shared care as then at least they get equal amounts of both of you. If you feel your ex is trying to turn them against you I think 50:50 would mitigate that.

Shes allowed me set times to see the kids, one evening for tea and one sat afternoon every other weekend. But they rarely want to come. I call them every night, but they just sound so down all the time. The vile messages have stopped since the solicitors letter went out which is good. My name is on my childrens birth certificates and the mortgage. Im just so worried for my kids, my ex is so angry still and so aggressive and very open with them. Things seem to be getting worse not better. I have a mediation appointment in January, I cant see her controlling her temper throughout that process but we will see! Thank you for your replies. I am grateful for any advice!!

This very issue is something that courts are now well aware of OP and actually if you Google 'women restricting access and badmouthing children's dad' you'll find lots of articles in various papers and links to organisations you can talk to for advice. It sounds like equal fault in the breakdown of your relationship, but actually when it comes to access and ease of divorce it's all irrelevant, so don't worry about giving chapter and verse about why and who and when. Your ex is behaving appallingly and turning your DC against you and that is something she's not allowed to do. Please do report the physical abuse and the abusive text messages to the police. You say she already has a police record for attacking your DP. Make sure that the police also know that she has attacked you. What she's doing to your DC is emotional abuse, so no wonder they sound down and depressed. Please be proactive in trying to end this situation now and do go for 50/50 custody, as is your right under British law. Your ex doesn't have more rights than you with regard to your DC, your marital assets or anything else. Stand up for yourself!

www.separateddads.co.uk/ex-partners-parental-alientation-syndrome.html

50/50 access if not more is definitely what I will be going for, I am genuinely concerned for my kids welfare here. I can see the change in them and yes maybe it is my fault for leaving and how it happened but they need to learn dwelling on the past is not how to live life.

Thank you so much, really helpful. I'll have an in-depth read of the website!