Advice

[Newdaddy1990]

This is a long story so bare with me,
Me and the gf moved in together 2 years ago when my dad fell ill and had to move into adapted housing (he was in a wheelchair) and we rented my mum n dads house from them. From the word go I did the majority of cooking, cleaning and washing. I enjoy cooking so that didn't bother me.

After a month my dad passed and I had to take 2 months off work. To keep myself from busy I started doing loads of baking and cooking and my gf loved coming back from her job to a cooked meal, I loved looking after her.
This is where it began, if I didn't feel like cooking that day and I wanted to just lie in the sofa all day, I would get told off for not cooking and cleaning. She would say sorry afterward and blame it on being tired. Fair do's, we all have bad days.

After 2 months I go back to work and I'm still expected to most the cooking and cleaning. With her moaning about how dirty a room is and very rarely actually doing something about it. Fast forward two years and we have a baby boy, he is 8 months old so the Mrs is still on paternity. I've got a new job which means I do days and nights, both starting at 7.30 and finishing at 7.45 am or pm, so 12 hrs 15 mins a shift, I still have to do all the cooking even when I get back from work at half 8 at night I have to start preparing food. We live in a big old house so ALL my time off goes on cleaning the house and doing washing, she occasionally will clean and tidy but it's not very often, she blames it on having to look after the baby so doesn't get chance to do anything which makes me feel awful.

I'm a very selfless person, I'd do anything for anybody, I've even given up all my hobbies and past times to focus on looking after my little family, I enjoy and get a kick out of it. But am I getting the p##s taken out of me? I'm nakered all the time and in my days off I get up at 8am and do jobs all day till about 10pm. What are your thoughts guys?

Not getting much traffic in here. If this was posted in AIBU by a woman there would be loads of comments with stuff like don't do the ironing for a week, get a cleaner and tell her she has to pay and favorite LTB.

The childs 8 months old so your gf should have loads of time on her hands to cook and clean, tell her this. She is also being selfish- if you have to cook and clean in your spare time when are you meant to spend time with your son?

So for six months between you going back to work and her getting pregnant, you were both working full time and you were doing all the cooking and cleaning? And nothing changed? Why? Did you raise it or talk about it or anything?

During pregnancy and early childhood can be rough but for those six months...

You sound like my wife, but I was the one that didn't do what was needed around the house even though I thought I was!? long story short I was made redundant and didn't work for 2 years, from her perspective I "quit adulting" I thought I was doing what I thought was best for our future but I neglected to notice what my partner needed. My advice to you to stop thinking the household chores is the issue. its just the go to when their is another problem that needs your attention. I say problem it could be small but it needs both of you involved to figure out what it is. You say your selfless.. so did I until I reflected on our relationship as a whole and I quickly found that although we both felt we were doing a lot for each other we weren't doing what the other person NEEDED and thats where I suggest you start. put a pin in the chores argument. Man the F* up make that place shine. do the washing.. hoover it up and then make a meal for the both of you to have after the kid is in bed. and work out between you what you both need out of your relationship.

Hi,

Just so you know, im a female, a wife and were expecting.

Right now both me and my husband work full time but i get in around an hour earlier than him, i do 99.99% of cooking and cleaning, my husband enjoys cooking so maybe once a month on a Friday or Saturday he will do something fancy for us or in the summer he is BBQ king, and with cleaning he isn't scared of doing the house work if i ever ask him too but generally that is my domain.
He has his jobs such has putting things in loft, garden &bins and i also ask that he puts his dirty clothes in the wash bin and any rubbish goes into the garbage - so its not me picking up after him if that makes sense.

I think who ever the one who is home all day should regardless of the baby you should organise yourself to be able to do the cooking and cleaning, its apart of the stay at home mum package... i think its something you should approach with caution purely because of how the current dynamics are and maybe suggest (as you dont mind) doing specific jobs each? and then saying you'll cook once a week or something....

Sorry if this is no help but i thought id put in my 2 pence worth

I think you should get a cleaner if that is affordable for you. There do seem to be wider issues though. Is your partner kind to you generally? Does she do anything for you? There needs to be kindness on both sides.

She didn't do much before she was pregnant and now she's using the baby as an excuse? I think it's great that you enjoy looking after your family and you work so hard. I do think she's taking the piss. I will admit I don't do any cooking and at my current state (38weeks pregnant) I'm struggling to do basic tidying. My partner doesn't work through disability but does all the cooking and a lot of housework at the moment. Original plan was he would work full time, I would work part time then look after baby the rest of the time and do most of the housework etc and he would do the cooking (he was a chef) due to the recent circumstances, he won't be working at all (signed as unfit for work) and I will be working hopefully full time but in a different job because of the shift patterns not being suitable for family life. I'm not going to expect him to do absolutely everything around the house while looking after the baby but he will probably do the majority and I will do a bit once I get home from work etc.
I think you need balance and at the moment you're doing everything and she's doing nothing. She is taking the piss and is being precious. She wants you to earn the wage and do all the housework and cooking. Expecting you to start preparing food after you get in from a 12 hour shift that late is utterly ridiculous. If she isn't confident at cooking etc then when you have time off together just show her meal ideas etc. She's not doing enough and moaning the house is a mess when you're working ridiculous hours it's not on x