Life/Struggling

[malmaloney]

Hi,

My first post so please be gentle.

Basically, without going to deep into my life - my girlfriend of 4/5 years (cant 100% remember) fell pregnant despite us using contraception. She ultimately decided to keep the baby (I say she because I got literally no say in the matter).She offered me the chance to leave but I had to grow up without a father and didn't want another child to have to go through this (my dad committed suicide when I was 4).

3 Years later and I'm glad I decided to stick around - I was about anit-kids as you could get and probably still am - but I'd kill for my daughter and would never hurt her.

The reason why I'm here is because since the beginning of this year I'v been feeling a little down and questioning things I've never really thought about since she was born. I'm only 24 and at the moment feel like I'm missing the best years of my life - I cant sleep at night because I'm worried that I'm going to start hating/blaming my daughter because in my head I feel like I'm losing out on things

In addition to this, it was decided when the baby was born that my partner would stay at home until the baby starts school and then she would re-take employment - this was on the basis that if she went back to work prior to this - her wage would just about cover nursery fees and since I had a vasectomy this would be her only chance to do this so it wasnt worth it for the baby or the household.

I make 22k before tax which seems like tons but when youve got 3 mouths and a house to run doesnt really get far. Lately, my partners been moaning because she's no money and shes 'fed up' which is understandable - but I dont think shes aware of the immense pressure im under to make sure we have food in the fridge and the rent/other bills are paid each month - I work 45/50 hours a week so only actually get around an hour through the weekday with my daughter.

I've tried to sit her down and talk to her but she just brushes it off and if she tells me one more time that shes fed up I'm going to blow and do something stupid.

I sometimes contemplate suicide as a way out as its my job to provide/protect my family and I feel like its slipping out of my control.

I keep telling myself it's not the life I chose it's the life that chose me and that's a good thing and it worked for the first couple of years but doesnt seem to be having the same affect anymore.

Im not sure what I expected to achieve from writing this here - I just wanted to know whether anyone else has experienced the same thoughts/feelings and how they got through it all.

Thanks.

It's now in the middle of the night (at least here) and that's never a good time to take lifetime decisions, and people will start writing back to you in the morning. However, suicide doesn't seem to be a good solution for you. You could call an aid line if you think about that now (I don't have a number to provide). Have you talked things over seriously with your partner, not just argumentet over money problems? Everyone does think from time to time they're missing or have missed the best parts of their life. It doesn't mean there will be more good parts to come, further on in life.

Doesn't mean there will not be, it should day... That is to say there will be.

Doesn't mean there will not be, it should day... That is to say there will be.

mal that's a lot to be dealing with and what visitor was saying is right, its late, there will be more people around to help in the morning. I'm not surprised you are having these feelings but you have a long life ahead of you and things wont always stay the same.

Sorry to hear you are feeling low.

It sounds like you've had a lot happen in the last few years and you've had to grow up quickly.

Suicide is not the answer. You've experienced being a child in that situation. Do you want the same for your daughter? You've said that you would do anything for her - so you need to take care of yourself and in turn be the best dad you can be.

Feeing as though you are missing out is totally normal. My children were very much planned for and I occasionally long for my younger life or think about what I could be doing now if I didn't have children. But I'd never swap it, it's just a fleeting feeling.

Have you spoken to your girlfriend about how you're feeling? The money worries? How overworked you are? If she is reasonable she will see that you need support and that you need to work together. If not, could you see yourselves separating? Do you still love her?

I think the first step is perhaps a trip to the GP to discuss how you are feeling at the moment. Then a frank conversation with your other half is in order to lay all cards on the table.

Have you thought about contacting the Samaritans? You can phone them or even email [email protected]

It sounds as though its all too much for you at the moment. Can you see your G.P tomorrow?

Try and see them or ring a very good friend today. It will get better, you sound exhausted.

Please try & make an appointment.

I think many parents - even with planned children - feel lost, lonely and pine for their freedom.

Do you have anyone you could talk to? You're carrying a heavy load...

I had a baby at 21 Op as a single mum, went straight back to work after 6 weeks and worked my arse of until I was 30 to provide a home and care for my son. It was tough and I thought my life was over. but it isn't, a daughter is so much more worthwhile that going to nightclubs and getting pissed.
Your life isn't over, in a few short years you will have it back again and will be able to do what you want.
If you partner wants more money there is no reason why she can't go and find a very part time job to earn money for things she needs or wants to do, it is not all on you to do that. She could go and work at the weekend occasionally while you look after your daughter.
My son is 35 now and my best friend in the world. I would do all those tough years all over again to have him.
i just caught up on all the fun a few years later instead.

This may not be of any help but I understand the pressure you're under. I was 22 when my ex partner fell pregnant with my daughter. She's now 6. I was the same never quite sure I wanted children and wasn't given a choice in the outcome. Also she lied and missed pills to fall which I later found out. She deceived me into becoming a father. She sounds like she was the same as your partner in regards to the nothing ever being good enough and not understanding or appreciating the effort you put into keeping your family afloat. It sounds like she's very negative and it's draining you. I think suicide is never the option and will seriously damage your child which I can tell from your post you would never want to do. I think you should see your GP about the feeling low as you don't want that to spiral out of control and also step back and look at the entire situation. Is it your partner making you unhappy. If so you can be great separate parents still. That's the option I went with and now after 6 years I'm expecting my second child with my current missus and I have no of the worries or stresses I had with the previous, I couldn't be happier. I honestly think your feelings come from unhappiness with your partner as mine did. Trust me you're doing everything right you've just gotten a little knocked off track.

Suicide will be your option to make your child's life miserable. Think about practical solutions instead. Your partner may be happier if she starts working even if she needs to pay for nursery with all of her salary. It will keep her busy with stuff other than home /child routine and she will be more fulfilled. This is exactly what I am considering doing. There may be no money left for myself but I'll be in a better state mentally. You sound like a responsible and very decent man so please don't think stuff (suicide) that leads absolutely nowhere.

There is usually someone around here at night, you will get good support & advice.