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Original poster

Lack of sex frustration

42 replies

Boosterseat1 · 19/07/2017 08:45

I've been with my GF for almost a year and half now, sex has always been off and on i.e. a week full of it then a week off, never consistent.

During this time she has sited numerous problems her end as to why she can't have sex. Including soreness after waxing, thrust, headache, tiredness (a lot) and obviously period (which I don't have an issue with.) these issues always seem to drag out longer than you'd expect.

I'm starting to believe she is just not interested in sex at all really, I suspect she's had sex issues in the past but she's a bit closed off when talking about these things.

The tiredness thing I find really annoying as I work just as hard as her and have a very active life away from work including looking after my child. I have a healthy sex drive, though not extreme, 3 times a week would be fine for me so nothing over the top yet I've started to feel like a bit of a sex pest over the past few months.

It's starting to turn a bit nasty now, her claiming I'm pressuring her all the time and just wanting her for sex (not true) and me throwing some major strops in return, she also seems to think it's a good idea to tease me in the morning, playing with me for a bit then rushing off to work, effectively leaving me hanging. Unlike myself she has never been forthcoming with foreplay or with satisfying me in other ways, and has openly said she can't be bothered as it takes too long.

We now haven't had sex for weeks, due to her latest issue, I feel I can't enquire about timescales or progress as she will accuse me of pressuring again. I think she's testing me to see how I react. I'm getting seriously annoyed and frustrated and for the 1st time thinking of going elsewhere. None of my previous relationships have been like this, so one sided. I'm a good looking , very fit guy but feel like my confidence is being sapped. It's a shame as apart from this issue we are a great couple and I love her lots, and we are making plans for future.

But a lifetime of this feels me with dread, I'm a divorcee and not looking to make any more mistakes relationship wise.

Really the question is should I cut my losses and find someone else or just lower my expectations for potentially the rest of my life, can that actually work ?

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 20/07/2017 13:53

It sounds like she has a low sex drive and you've responded to that in a really really negative way. You have to learn that pestering someone for sex is absolutely not on, ever. If you pester and she gives in to shut you up then you've raped her. Is that what you want?

If this is an issue that can't be resolved then the relationship has to end.

DeadDoorpost · 26/07/2017 23:53

I've been in this position and its really really hard (female here so I'm the equivalent to your GF). I've also been in the above scenario where I caved in and its horrible. It put me off even more and didn't want to be near my partner. Libido can dip in and out and sometimes can be caused by stress or in my case, being on the pill. It had a horrible effect on me. You really do need to talk to her though and explain how its making you feel. My DH didn't and it got to a point where it honestly felt like all he wanted me for was sex. Once he realised how I felt he totally changed.
Don't blame her for anything, or don't make it sound like you are. Ask if there's anything you can do to make her feel good, regardless of sex being involved. But you really do need to talk with her.

And I get the playing with you part. I understand from her persepctive: they're squishy and fun to touch when soft. Not always so much when hard. But DH does tell me off if I do it too often so I'll apologise and either finish him off or totally stop for ages Luckily he can be satisfied pretty quickly, like 3 mins coz im good at it if i do say so myself

SensitiveOldAgeGuy · 21/09/2017 15:07

Jus' Wond'rin',
What was your sex activity like in the very early stages, like when you decided to move in?

dontquotemeondailymail · 21/09/2017 15:44

Wow OP you're getting a lot of grief on this thread! But like a PP said, it's likely to be because a lot of people can relate to mixed sex drives.

I would have a conversation with her (away from the bedroom!) and tell her how much you miss the closeness you used to have. Tell her you understand she won't always be in the right mood, or that there may be issues preventing her from being intimate. Suggest to her that you have a sort of 'sex ban' where you can still cuddle up in bed, or have a kiss, share a bath etc etc, but with absolutely no follow up. The key thing will be you respecting that pact and not getting carried away. Over time, she'll become comfortable that you're not going to put pressure on her and it'll make it easier for her to move at her own pace and take things further.

If that doesn't help, or she doesn't seem keen to try, it may signal a natural end.

Aandy · 23/09/2017 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

maximus55 · 25/09/2017 17:22

I'm you with here on this one. Many years ago following a divorce, I met a real stunner. Sex was great. Then because she worked in a care home, and nights paid more went on the night shift. Then the great sex finished.
Always too tired. I used to pick her from work in the morning to take home. Too tired after work. I also used to go round to her gaff in the evening to drop her off at work. Once again, too tired. Then on her nights off, catching up with stuff couldn't do when working.
Gotta remember as man, we have manly needs. And I wasn't getting them. So in the end I walked. Met some lovely ladies that sex was no problem. And married one. Suggest you do the same.....

NewDaddie · 03/10/2017 12:56

Don't think you and your gf compatible OP. You might be great together in other ways but unfortunately this might be a deal breaker.

Shoxfordian · 11/10/2017 14:55

Sounds like you're not sexually compatible

I hope you either had some sex therapy or ended the relationship

nousername123 · 14/01/2018 16:27

Her teasing you then leaving you hanging isn't on. Sounds like she knows exactly what she's doing and is trying to get a reaction. I don't think this is a match made in heaven as sex is important in a relationship and you're both on different pages. Sorry but I think you need to leave her. Like you said, the idea of being stuck with it for the rest of your life is horrible x

Madupfam · 14/01/2018 19:03

Sounds like you don't do it for sexually but she likes/ everything else about you.

OpalIridescence · 14/01/2018 19:16

at manly needs

Being sexually compatible is hugely important in relationships.

I am female and was in this situation the other way round. I stayed and being rejected by my partner really hurt my self confidence.
I also understand why you included the good looking comment. I was in my 20s and could not understand why other people clearly saw me as attractive but the one person I could have a sexual relationship with wasn't interested.
Ultimately, that was his choice but he wasn't willing to talk about it at all and it hurt me alot.
I think the PP has it when they say your partner does not have to have sex with you, you do not have to stay. That's it.

Unsurewhattod0 · 15/01/2018 09:36

She has the right to not want sex however you also have the right to say that it’s unacceptable for you to not be having sex. Ultimately you need to move on. If it’s like this after 18months then why waste a second longer being miserable. Time to DTB.

Xnic · 15/01/2018 09:44

You only see her four days a week and expect sex on at least three of those days or you throw a ‘major strop’. Eugh, I wouldn’t want sex with you either.

Xnic · 15/01/2018 09:46

You only see her four days a week and expect sex on at least three of those days or you throw a ‘major strop’. Eugh, I wouldn’t want sex with you either.

StopTheRoundabout · 15/01/2018 09:56

No flaming here. I would sit down and discuss a reasonable compromise. If you are both incompatible after 1 and a half years and can't reach an agreement then you both need to decide which is more important to you both - a good companionship or an active sex life. There are bound to be dips in libido as you get older but this early in a relationship is very soon imo. It might be just a difference in what you both want or you could be settling for one another.

thethoughtfox · 15/01/2018 10:36

End it. Read you post back and imagine your daughter's partner had posted that. How would you feel knowing that she being being pestered by sex and a man/ boy was throwing major strops when she didn't want it? She deserves better.

thethoughtfox · 15/01/2018 10:36

Pestered for sex

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