Ex requesting I take annual leave??

[Workingdad850]

Hi,

Quick background story. The ex and I have been separated for a year and the divorce was completed just before xmas. It has all been on good terms and have maintained a very good relationship going forward for the kids benefit.

I work full time, in excess of 50 hours per week, this includes shift work.and around 26 days holiday per year. I have the kids every week.

Every time I have had to work on "my days" I have arranged child care so not to impact on the ex's routine. Although I do believe she would be felixable if I had to ask her. It is for this reason I need some advise on my current situation. I want to continue to be flexable and accommodating but also not be walked over.

Problem: she has asked that I take some annual leave in term time to look after the kids so she can go on holiday with friends.

2 things. firstly, I know they are my kids and I have responsibilities towards them and the fact is I like and want to see them more. However, they will be at school and I feel due to the limited amount of leave I get this will be better spent taking time off in the holidays so I can take them away or out for the day.
Secondly. This has no impact on the kids at all, if I say no the ex won't be able to go and the kids will be none the wiser. As far as I see it this is me helping out my ex to go on holiday rather than to benefit the kids.

I want to do the right thing but think it's a big ask to use my leave, to look after our kids, on her days so she can go on holiday. I would understand if it was within school holidays so I could benefit from days out with them.

Is this a normal request from an ex? Am I just looking at this from the wrong angle? I don't want to rock the boat.

I think you have had lots of suggestions, opinions etc and you have clearly heard and understood!

I agree it is perfectly reasonable for you to want to use leave to spend time with your DC.

It is fantastic that you can ask for daytime shift whilst she is away, have them overnight so she just needs to find wrap around care - helps out your DC Mum, you get extra time with your DC without sacrificing leave.

Perhaps if it works well it can become a regular thing for your ex.

Depending on finances it could be worth you offering to help fund the wraparound care?

looksbetter expressed my thoughts better than I did re unfair childcare split. You still haven't said how much of your annual leave you regularly use for the kids - as your ex has them most of the time I assume you only cover your usual (infrequent) days during the holidays?
Yy to your op sounding v reasonable, but possibly not giving the full story...

LostMyDotBrain

My sister gave up custody of her kids, and only had them every other weekend. She then proceeded to use most if not all of her annual leave outside of the kids school holidays, for things she wanted to do herself, or even just for a break. This was incredibly selfish and impacted the kids a lot, it broke my heart :(

So yes as much as it is harsh, it's not really fair of her to take that time with their dad away from their DC. If it's just a holiday for herself then a) I agree with another poster about how it's odd you would want to take yourself on holiday without young DC, and b) why can't she do it i the school holidays when dad has the kids, so no one misses out? It seems a very odd decision to make.

I also agree with the poster who said your responsibilities for doing favours that only benefit the other partner end when you are no longer a couple. And if they were together and mum couldn't take time off in the middle of the week to do something by herself, but couldn't because dad needed to work and wanted to save his holidays for family time, then no one would say the OP is in the wrong, I think. The kids are the highest priority in this situation, and it's not like their mum is completely limited for time to herself if her ex has the kids every weekend and for chucks of the school holidays.

alltheglitters dunno tho, still waiting to hear how much hol he does do. Ex works on a sun, he only has kids Fri night to sat afternoon, then sun while she works. Which doesn't give her any appreciable time to get away at the weekend...

Flexibility works two ways.

Ask her to find wrap around childcare and so that you have the best of both worlds. Time with the kids and holiday saved for out of term

You are being an arse.

Your ex does all of the grunt work and your mutual timetable of who gets to look after the kids when is heavily beneficial to facilitate your 50+ hour week. So I'm guessing that the holiday is only feasible and affordable for your ex, otherwise I'm speculating that she would not have asked you.

If you care about the welfare of your children then you should care about the welfare of your ex, as she is the primary carer of your children and if she becomes unable to care for your children then your 50+ hours/week would become untenable. (Or you would be paying on a weekly basis for those hours)

So step up

Not really the point but just a thought...

My ex recently used annual leave during the school week when I needed him to. I don't think it was wasted leave.

I think if you aren't doing the school drop off and pick up week in week out you might actually enjoy getting the chance to be part of their normal day to day lives. I bet your children would think it really exciting to have daddy in the playground every day that week, it would all be novel. You get a whole week of hearing what happened that day etc. One of my favourite moments every day is 10 past 3 watching all the children come out, searching for DS1s lovely little face.

If you are using all your leave on DC then maybe it would be nice to get some downtime during the day.

Easy

Tell her to sort out her own childcare while she goes on holiday.