Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Original poster

Ex requesting I take annual leave??

58 replies

Workingdad850 · 23/02/2017 04:42

Hi,

Quick background story. The ex and I have been separated for a year and the divorce was completed just before xmas. It has all been on good terms and have maintained a very good relationship going forward for the kids benefit.

I work full time, in excess of 50 hours per week, this includes shift work.and around 26 days holiday per year. I have the kids every week.

Every time I have had to work on "my days" I have arranged child care so not to impact on the ex's routine. Although I do believe she would be felixable if I had to ask her. It is for this reason I need some advise on my current situation. I want to continue to be flexable and accommodating but also not be walked over.

Problem: she has asked that I take some annual leave in term time to look after the kids so she can go on holiday with friends.

2 things. firstly, I know they are my kids and I have responsibilities towards them and the fact is I like and want to see them more. However, they will be at school and I feel due to the limited amount of leave I get this will be better spent taking time off in the holidays so I can take them away or out for the day.
Secondly. This has no impact on the kids at all, if I say no the ex won't be able to go and the kids will be none the wiser. As far as I see it this is me helping out my ex to go on holiday rather than to benefit the kids.

I want to do the right thing but think it's a big ask to use my leave, to look after our kids, on her days so she can go on holiday. I would understand if it was within school holidays so I could benefit from days out with them.

Is this a normal request from an ex? Am I just looking at this from the wrong angle? I don't want to rock the boat.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 23/02/2017 06:05

Just a thought OP - do you imagine you might want to go on holiday with friends sometime that will go over a Sunday or your mid-week day? And if so, are you hoping your ex will take time off work to look after the children on those days?

Looking to the future you will probably occasionally want to be able to rely on the other like this. I think wrap around care is a good compromise, but be cognizant of how much you can both afford these things and whether taking leave occasionally to fill in may be a good way for you both to enable the other to have the ability to socialize like this. But since you have a good co-parenting relationship I would ask her explicitly if she thinks this is going to be a reciprocal arrangement and perhaps discuss how much is reasonable and how it might influence time over school holidays.

FritzDonovan · 23/02/2017 06:23

OP the holiday isn't really the issue, I think. Equal childcare is, though. I don't think the split is fair long term, as it is much more restrictive for her. Obv this is just my opinion, but other ppl have to take leave to look after their kids, whether together or apart.
What proportion of your annual leave do you use to see the kids, just out of interest?

ChuckSnowballs · 23/02/2017 06:35

Nowhere can I see him mentioning him asking the ex to have the children so he can go off on a lads week

Well, he doesn't have them anywhere near as much as she does., OP she seems to have let you choose your times according to your shift pattern, why not help her have an actual holiday for once?

LostMyDotBrain · 23/02/2017 06:50

To be honest IMO that's selfish of her towards both you and the kids; like you said it limits time you can be properly "off" with them

I don't agree with this at all. In fact, as OP has the DC most of the weekend, every weekend, I can see when he gets relaxed time with them but not when she does. The arrangement appears to be heavily in his favour, after all, she's the one who'd have to take annual leave if something came up in the week. Taking annual leave to look after the DC...precisely what she's asking him to do for a short period.

OP, I'd agree to have the kids but because of the cost of childcare you'd probably need to cover, I'd negotiate no/reduced maintenance going her way for that period. If you want things to stay amicable I really wouldn't object to taking your DC for longer than usual on the basis that her doing something for herself doesn't benefit them directly.

Wellitwouldbenice · 23/02/2017 06:56

Op, your post is well thought out, balanced and I think you're right. Annual leave is very precious when you have children and needs to be used wisely - I agree it's best for the children that you use them in the school holiday. I also agree the idea of your ex paying for wrap around care and then the children staying with you for those days is a fair and reasonable solution.

LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 23/02/2017 08:08

Having read your updates and the thread I think you asking for wrap around care is a perfectly reasonable solution. I can see why she doesn't want to go on holiday in school holidays if she doesn't get the kids on the weekend but you not wanting to effectively waste you annual leave makes sense.

YANBU to not want to use your leave that way, you sound like a lovely man and good father from what you've put here/how you've responded and I hope this works out for you!

Keeptrudging · 23/02/2017 08:17

I'm just surprised that a parent goes on holiday without their children. It has never crossed my mind, all funds available for holidays would be used for family holidays. Wraparound care is a good compromise, but it still seems strange to me. Will she be taking them on another holiday this year?

FritzDonovan · 23/02/2017 08:29

How many days are you actually being asked to use, OP? And how many of your total leave do you use with the kids?
keeptrudging I agree. When I worked all my annual leave was spent with the kids. Same for my Dh, apart from two days which he had to use for a course. But being a single parent most of the week, you must need a break from being responsible for kids every one of those days. If she's asking for a week or less, and this is the first time it has come up since separation, I don't think it's unreasonable.

witwootoodleoo · 23/02/2017 08:31

Also do you have family members that won't work that would appreciate the chance to see more or the kids. Eg parents that would like to come and stay for the week and help with childcare. That could be a win-win

FritzDonovan · 23/02/2017 08:33

Posted too soon!
She may have asked before the idea of wrap around care occurred (as it seemed new to OP), as long as Op will do evenings/nights, this shouldn't be an issue.

NapQueen · 23/02/2017 08:35

If you are unable or unwilling to meet her request does she have anyone else who can step in and care for the kids overnight?

If so, you could ask yourself whether that alternative care would be better for the dcs than if you had them. After all it is their needs which are paramount.

If you wanted or needed time away and asked your ex to arrange childcare or have the kids for the full weekend would she accomodate your request?

AyeAmarok · 23/02/2017 08:39

I think you should do it.

You have the luxury of working (and earning) full-time, because your ex is picking up the vast majority of the childcare.

Your current contact arrangements means you could easily jet off for a few days break, she can't. In fact she seems to have the DC every overnight but one per week?

I think the least you can do is take a few days annual leave TBH.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 23/02/2017 08:41

i think the first solution is best, she sorts childcare, and you work around that having them overnight, picking up, dropping off.

You holiday is limited, so I'd also point out that a week now means a week less in the summer holidays

FritzDonovan · 23/02/2017 08:50

But if he gets 29 days annual leave, using a week now will still leave over 3 weeks to be used in the summer. Assuming he does half of it?

EnormousTiger · 23/02/2017 08:53

My children's father chooses to have them zero days a year - absolutely stupid and so unfair. So he will have 8 weeks school summer holiday ([private school) and I will take a week off work (I work full time at least 60 hours a week actually) to take them away and when they were younger I would pay for childcare for 7 weeks!!! Talk about unfair.

Also I had to pay £30k a year childcare costs.

Why don't you share an au pair or nanny with your wife then so childcare is dealt with? Does she work full time?

Wellitwouldbenice · 23/02/2017 10:37

Fitz - er, you do realise that Easter holidays, half terms and Xmas holidays also need to be covered to some extent by annual leave. Not just summer holidays Hmm

Wellitwouldbenice · 23/02/2017 10:40

Tiger - you're Miami g about childcare costs whilst sending your kids to a private school Hmm maybe your solution is to review your finances and your priorities - it could solve some of your childcare issues??

Wellitwouldbenice · 23/02/2017 10:40

Moaning

Sweets101 · 23/02/2017 10:45

No don't use your annual leave whilst they're at school that would be silly.
But it's not your only option. Just use wrap around care. I don't see why she should pay for it though tbh, you get to work full time all the time with none of the problems of childcare plus the extra benefits it brings really career, pension etc.
Have the kids, sort wrap around care. Basically, be a parent!

FritzDonovan · 23/02/2017 10:47

well doh! Yes, I did forget about all that. But while on the subject, I'm guessing that OPs ex also covers that somehow, as she has the kids the majority of the week...

Berthatydfil · 23/02/2017 10:48

I think the child contact split is unfair.
You're able to work full time Monday to Friday and she has to arrange her life round school, washing uniforms, getting homework done, sending pe kit in, world book day costumes at the drop of a hat, after school activities etc and you get weekends.
She works one weekend day and she doesn't get to spend quality relaxed time with her dc the other day as they are with you.
It's really not very fair at all.
If the situation was reversed you could go off for a mid week break without impacting your life at all.

Sunnie1984 · 23/02/2017 10:56

Honestly, I'd be trying to facilitate this break away for her as much as possible.

You are co-parenting, and you need to be able to work together.

Sit down with her and discuss wraparound care options. Explain how taking holiday now will impact on holidays etc. Surely you can come to some amicable arrangement. You could take two days off work and three in wrap around care etc?

Blacking this outright will just sour relations and you never know when you will also need a favour repaying

roarityroar · 23/02/2017 11:08

Why shouldn't she have a holiday after a stressful year? Not remotely selfish. wraparound care seems the answer.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 23/02/2017 11:37

You have them one night a week and most of the weekend? And you are complaining that if you do this for your ex it would be a waste because they would be at school and you wouldn't get quality time with them? What like your ex? The split you currently have is so unfair. You work full time while your ex wife does all the school stuff, homework, cooking, shopping and running around after your dc and you have them the bulk of the weekend while they aren't in school so your ex isn't getting the relaxed time you are complaining about.
I have to say while you have managed to make your op sound balanced and rational it has also managed to pull the wool over people's eyes at how little you have them and how you are gaining somethung from it that your ex wife isn't.
You are a parent too and yes you should take the time off and do some of the grunt work of raising the dc and let her have a break. It's a week. Get childcare if you don't want to take annual leave and if you say no to this just make sure you never book anything for the time you are supposed to have them because if I were her I'd say no to you.
I doubt you use all tour annual leave on purely the dc so this does feel a little like a why should I help her out situation.

Original poster
Workingdad850 · 23/02/2017 15:23

Thank you to all of you who have posted. Your advise has been very constructive and given me some good proposals and also some alternative perspectives to consider.

Your time and help has been well received.

OP posts: