New dad - Am I at fault?

[Crashtestdummy01]

Hi all,

Pretty new to all this.

I'm a recently new father (Daughter 3 weeks, at time of posting) and as it stands I feel as if I just cant do anything right.

Sorry for the longwindedness but here's the backstory:
My DP and I have been together for the best part of 2 years and to say that it hasnt been without it's up and downs would be an understatement. So much so that on more than 1 occasion we've been on the verge of calling it quits. During one of these times she found out she was pregnant.

Before, I was a fond of the odd tipple and quite a social guy however I knew that things would need to change and would man up to the responsibilities that would now be rested on my shoulders. We would need to move in together (she was living with her parents with her DD and me at my parents.) I wouldnt have expected any of our respective parents to board us.

Anyway during this time we have found a home, (deposit supplied by DHM) and now moved in - however during the whole process she has had a go at me for not pulling my weight, despite me cutting back on the social life to near non existance as I know we need all finances we can. Attending every medical appointment at the hospital with her showing support for our new family. As well as taking time off work to renovate & decorate the house as she was 7/8mths at this point.

The mortgage, insurances and utilities are covered by me.
Broadband and "Netflix" by her. Food etc shared.

The issue I'm having is that now I am getting it in the neck as it seems I cannot pass any comment without it being seen as sarcastic. This is elevated by the fact that her DD is being an absolute nightmare in regards to behaviour and general respect towards me. Towards her mother this is lessened and she is actually pretty good with her new sister.

My DP has heard the way that her daughter acts when she believes she is 1-on-1 with me. General defiance and in some cases being physical however nothing seems to be done about it as I have been given the authority to disipline her. Her DD has blatantly said that she will do as she likes as I am "not her dad" and tbh I'm at the end of my tether.

Her DD is ruling the house as she has her mum IMO wrapped round her finger; Tantrums & tears when she doesnt get her way, met with laughter when she starts playing up, left to be glued to her I-pad when asked to do something, toys & general litter left as an adult will pick it up and also constantly creeping into the bed day or night whilst we are (trying to) sleeping

I understand that DD has had a lot to deal with moving from Grans to a new house, starting a new nursery/soon to be school, moving away from friends.

I now see myself as a uninvited house guest and that I just cant do anything right. This is bolstered my DP posting links to me about women who's men cant understand they're trying to cope with a newbornchild/household etc. As well as having a go as I've spoken to friends about the whole debacle.

I've tried talking to my DP however this is a non starter as she puts up the barriers and prefers to do this via text, email or messenger. This stems from her own defense mechanism due to abuse received in the past and ends up with silent treatment.

I'm just in a total whirlwind and dont really know what to do.

Sorry for the longwindedness & thanks for reading.

So in the course of less than 2 years her DD has been introduced to you, moved out of her nan's and got a new sibling!
Maybe she blames you for having to move.
When I started reading I assumed she was older but she's only 3? It's a lot for her to deal with

Her DD is 5 - and DD's new partner is also now pregnant.

Well you've already stated that the relationship was volatile and not working before the pregnancy, the added stress of a new baby on top of a 5 year old who has to live amongst all this instability it's inevitable that things are going from bad to worse.

If the relationship isn't working it may be better to seperate and cop parent rather than everyone being so miserable

You mean the partner of the child's DF?
How often does she see him?
Where is your DP when you are having to discipline her DD?
You have been in her life less than 2 years I can see her taking exception to you telling her what to do.
What time frame was there between your DP splitting from her ex and her introducing you to her DD?

Any chance of some kind of couples counselling, to teach you both how to communicate/work through problems better? Sounds like a frustrating situation for everyone involved, but at the moment the only one who's being expected to change their behaviour is the 5-year-old, when it's really the adults who need to be learning how to do things differently.

Hello, and welcome. My dh and i have a reasonably blended family. I totally understand how rough it can be. When i look back, our relationship was shit. We have both worked at it. It is now pretty great, so hang in there.

1. Your dp needs to understand that she is the connecting person between all the members of her family, so while it is good that its been established that you can discipline your sd, actually your dp needs to be proactive in forming a bridge between you and sd while you build a relationship.
2. Your sd is going through a LOT. try to lead with compassion rather than frustration.
3. Even if your relationship was rock solid and your dp was a total angel, she would still be grumpy and fed up with you, because she's probably sleep deprived and physically feels like shes been in a car crash. This is your opportunity to make her thank her lucky stars she found you by being a caring, patient and understanding dp.
4. I dont think my dh got to go to the pub socialise for months after our dc were born.

Oh, and

1. Behave! Netflix is not a life essential if money's a bit tight.
2. Assuming you are not a very shouty, agressive person, DP needs to be told to grow the fuck up with regards to emailing you etc (or get some help with that)

Op seems to be getting a rough time here. We must remember it was his DP who introduced OP to her DD. She is as much responsible for rushing into things as he is , especially as she had a DC from a previous relationship. Yes there's big changes to DD life but that's no excuse for her to be rude to OP and his DP allowing this should stop. It's difficult as its one sided on here and is from OP's perspective but if things were an issue prior to baby arriving it will most likely continue or worsen, that being said your baby is only little so it's early days. I think once a routine is established things will be easier.

Jealously for your DD is normal when a new arrives, just offer reassurance but at the same time set boundaries that you are to be respected as an adult in the household. The social side should remain minimal at least until baby is settled and in a more of routine. Seeing to a newborn and an older child is difficult , especially sleepless nights thrown in the mix. This is enough to challenge any well established couple.

You're DSD behaviour is nothing unusual at that age. My middle daughter was a madam at 5. My relationship was like that in the beginning maybe she hasn't gotten over the whole upheaval of moving from one relationship to the next. There maybe some baggage left behind.

It sounds like pretty normal five year old behaviour. Especially for someone who has had a lot of upheaval in her little life.

Having a new baby is really bloody hard. I've always found the first year imcredibly tough. It does get easier.

I think your expectations are too high tbh. Everybody's life is a disaster when they've got a three week old. Your DP will be in a state, DSD has just had her life turned upside down, new baby is just yelling all the time and nobody has slept since they can remember.

Now is not the time to start thinking about the long term. You are in a survival situation for now. Your job is to be supportive, be calm and help everybody get through this difficult time.

Yes you have a lot to think about and it sounds like nobody really thought any of this through. But don't expect things to be great right now - it's a horror story for pretty much everybody at the beginning and that's where the man-up stuff comes in. Over time you can think about the long term but honestly, not now. You've hardly even begun this journey.

You will never reach a good conclusion for you or your partner if you only commununicate via text etc etc.
You need to sit down andf talk face to face if you really want this relationship to work. You need to discuss things such as boundaries for the five year old, responsibilities towards both children etc etc.

To me it sounds as though neither of you are really ready for a relationship that involves a five year old and a new born and a fairly recent partner.

Limits to social life are part and parcle of being a parent, and the sooner you accept this the better.

From your post, you seem to standing outside the "family unit" formed by your partner and the two children, even though you contribute financially, and it's clear that you resent this.

In some way you must break down this barrier, and take up your role and position at the heart of your family, only honest communication, trust, and commitment will achieve this.

When you say DP is having a go at you for not contributing do you know exactly what she is referring to? You mention how money is split but nothing about housework. Do you help around the home with cooking, cleaning etc. When I was on mat leave I got incredibly frustrated with my DP for not helping as much with household chores as I would have liked/needed.

A 3 week old baby is enough to upset any young sibling. It's a huge deal to them and likely to cause all sorts of feelings. I think you are expecting too much from your dsd and need to chill out to be honest. Now isn't the time to be worrying about how much time she spends on an iPad - embrace the ipad! Likewise yes you can gently remind her to pick stuff up but it really isn't worth getting upset about. She is probably sneaking in the bed because she is feeling pushed out by the baby.

It seems like you need to find a bit of sense of humour again and not get so stressed about everything to be honest.