He's ignoring the children

[Frecklesandspecs]

I'm a SAHM and would like some father perspective. I hope it's ok to post here.
Been married nearly 7 years and have 3 children. We're on the brink on separation.
H has never really shown any interest in the children and we rarely do anything together as a family. He's always working (weekends from home). I know his job (software developper) demands long hours and I'm really fine with that.
However, he simply has no interest in us otherwise. The kids don't see him in the week as they are always in bed and at the weekend he sits up in his room on his computer. He doesn't eat meals with us either.
He calls the children (6,4 and 2) babies (even the 6 year old) and can be quite dismissive. He can spend 5 minutes once the odd occasion coming downstairs to 'be silly' then he's back upstairs saying he's tired or they should find something to do.
I've not asked him to help around the house as he works full time. However, I literally do everything. He has never bathed them, rarely changes a nappy or feeds them.
I know this is apartly my fault because I have allowed it, mainly because he complains or criticises evening when he does do it. So I generally just do it myself as it's easier.
Now, we are on the brink of separating, it's worse. He doesn't speak (ok with me but why the kids?)
He's always had long periods of going silent on me (sometimes days) of silly things like crumbs in the butter etc) but why is he ignoring the kids too?

I know, I need to become more assertive and I can be a bit passive sometimes. I know I'm nowhere near perfect and could have done things to change. My question is, why does he ignore his own kids?
Is it work pressure or does he just not care?

What will happen if we do divorce?
This is nothing new of recent. He's always worked long hours (out at 5.30 -9.30/10pm) so I don't suspect cheating or anything (though never say never)

I'm sorry to hear this. I don't have any wise words sadly.

I assume that he wanted to have children in the first place?

He sounds like a guy who found a replacement mum to slave after him and guess he's just gone along with kids etc so that he doesn't lose his full time slave.

If your ok for money why cant he go freelance or something so you have more time together?

Yes you didnt' help yourself by taking on that role without question but your not the only one who has.

Can you get someone to take care of the kids and just actually sit down with him, and without going mental ask, whats going on, why aren't you interested in the kids? Why are you so disengaged from the family?

I'm going to make a confident bet that if you talked to his mum, she will say that his dad was very similar. Those parenting attitudes are ground-in, unless one makes a conscious effort to change them. Can you raise it with MIL at all?

Hi OP,

Welcome to the quiet corner of the Internet that is Dadsnet.

You would need legal advice, but I suspect the second question is the easy one: you'd get sole custody probably because he'd let you have it.

As for the first question: there are all manner of answers. What's your FIL like? Possibly your H is simply following his example. Possibly he once liked the idea of being involved with the kids but assumed he ought always to put his work first. Speaking as someone who has mostly been the sole breadwinner and has always been by far the main earner, the responsiblity of getting money on the table can be a major preoccupation, and one which men ought to talk about more. Furthermore, the lingering expectation in society that parenting and housework aren't men's work may have played its part, although it sounds like he's off at some kind of extreme end of this. Also there is still something of an expectation that separating mothers get the children. Perhaps this is - consciously or unconsciously in his mind and has caused him to become so withdrawn. The fact that he won't even eat with the rest of you is pretty extreme. DW and I have gone through some pretty bad times, but I always had plenty to do with the children and we always ate together.

Your post made me feel very sad for you. It sounds as if you've tried to do the right thing by giving him the freedom to choose what he wants, but he hasn't given anything in return. Who wants to separate - you, him or you both - and is his detachment a cause of the possible separation or a symptom?

I'm a computer programmer and generally, we don't work long hours. There can be weekend work, but it's sporadic and certainly won't be every weekend for 6 years.
The working time directive is intended to prevent long hours. He's meant to have a day off after 6 days. 11 hours rest between sleep.

If he works in IT there's every possibility he's mildly autistic or has asperger's. Has he ever been diagnosed? That would explain some of his behaviour. He does sound like a lot of people I work with.

I might have depression. The job tends to create a lot of that as well.

I mean, it might be depression.