Wife won't accept seperation

[Beren1]

I am having a bit of a tough time, but to be fair not as tough as my wife is finding it, and need some advice or to hear from anyone who has gone through similar.
Myself and my wife have been together 16 years, married 5, have 3 beautiful kids(all primary school age), a lovely house and a good lifestyle. But for the past few years my love for her has slowly disappeared.
It's come to a head now as I told her 6 months ago that I didn't love her and wanted to separate. She went though all of the understandable emotions, anger, sadness, accusations and begged me to try, mainly for the sake of the kids, to make a go of it. I have tried as best I can to make things work but the love has gone and it seems it won't come back.
She is throwing everything at me, mainly around the impact on kids, how could I be so selfish, how could I put them through this, why don't I love her, demanding I explain, she didn't become a mum to then become a part-time mum, why am I such a coward just running away, the kids are innocent party, why can't I just stay for their sake, you once loved me why don't you now???
I fear massively the impact on the children, I am very close to them all and love them massively, and do question how I could consider doing such a thing which will hurt them immensely and stay with them forever.
But, no matter what I do, what my friends say about the grass isn't greener, make it work etc. I simply do not love my wife. I do not want to spend time with her, we have never had the best relationship, it's been volatile, we have never really talked much, I have always thought this isn't what love is, this isn't what a relationship should be, more so over the last few years, but possibly a lack of confidence, expectations of others and ultimately doing right by the kids has led to staying together (till Joe) and getting married 5 years ago.
I know I may regret leaving.
I also fear it. But I fear being stuck in an unhappy marriage, settling, with someone I don't think I should be with, for the next 40+ years of my life.
I suspect I am being selfish, and I suspect that I may find happiness elsewhere at the expense of losing a lot and damaging my children.
I am massively confused, not in a good place....

Of course you should take the hit.

If she is primary carer for the kids, they stay in the family home with her. You are the one who wants your "freedom" so you should go find it.

Try not to be too pissed off when she finds someone else to take your place, though.

Not about me wanting my freedom, I want my kids 7 days a week. It's the marriage I don't want.

I think it's better to leave and make it clean cut than stay and pretend.

I don't know why you're getting flak, you're asking advice and you seem genuine.

I've been in your position, albeit we weren't married. It's fucking hard. I hated myself.

You can't be miserable for the rest of your life to keep her happy.

You have to accept this is going to be hard, things will be shit, you will be financially worse off.

Which life would you rather have?

Just to play misery Top Trumps - I ended a relationship and that meant my ex went from having his son in his life 7 days a week, to seeing him only twice a week (mutually.agreed)

I do have an open door policy whereby he can call in whenever he wants, but he lives 20 miles away so after work it's not really easy for him to swing by.

We don't always get on but we do always co-parent effectively. It's hard work being the bad guy, I'm done with beating myself up though. It would have been much more cruel to stay, pretend, resent.

I am not giving you flak

I think you should leave

You shouldn't stay in a marriage you don't want

But you should stop dragging it out, and you should take the financial hit. Why should your wife suffer because you have changed your mind ? You sound like you want it all your way.

When you say 'excess cash' are you taking into consideration that as primary parent, she will also bear most of the day to day expenses? Child maintenance is rarely enough to pay exactly 1/2 of the costs of child rearing which includes the cost of running a home for those children as well as those unexpected expenses that crop up. I'm sure any 'excess cash' she may have will be more than eaten up in the costs of the children's school activities, clubs, food, hobbies, pocket money, trips out with friends and the like.

Well yes, you do have to 'suffer' a bit financially, but I daresay so will she.

I stopped loving my dh for several years after he emotional withdrew. When I told him I was leaving he asked for another chance. It took us 4 years or so to get to the point of me being so unhappy that leaving was the only option.

18 months on things have improved I am starting to truly love him again but it's slow with set backs.

If the intimacy of sex has been missing for many years then it is going to take years to grow the love between you back but it can happen.

If you are determined not to try though then you may as just leave tbh.

You frame this as your wife somehow being unreasonable in not accepting it. I don't think anyone should stay with someone that they don't want a relationship with, but thinking of this as a logical thing, all for the best, etc etc, doesn't take into account the fact that your wife chose none of this. She has just been massively hurt by you, and is now facing a completely different (and possibly very frightening) life than she thought she would. She is hurt, she is understandably angry, and she is grieving, and you know all this, as you have said. But grief and anger isn't like the flu - you don't go through the motions and it's all over. You seem to be irritated that she's still hurt, but you need to come to terms that she may well continue to be hurt, angry and grieving for a very long time.

I think you also need another crack at counselling, whether together or separately.

When your guilt abates (which it will) and you stop paying her mortgage, pay only the minimum CSA-recommended child maintenance, and carry on working full-time, you'll be far better off financially than your ex-wife ever will.

Of course you should " take the hit"'your children come first. You wife has done nothing wrong. Love is something you work on, life is not lived for your own selfish desires.
Your children deserve to keep the family they have. Your wife deserves you to keep your marriage vows.
I find your attitude disgusting.

Beren's proposal is what I got. I was the higher wage earner bu 10x and as my husband could not buy me out and I could take on a £1.3m mortgage to stay in the house and pay him then I stayed here with the chidlren BUT the older children were 13+ and could choose in law and wanted their father out which was a big factor.

Here the issue for a lawyer to look at in who stays or goes is likely to be not just who can afford to pay the mortgage on the existing house but also whether each can support themselves (clean break divorce which I had which is much the best option if you can afford it as a higher earner) rather than continuing spousal (mortgage here) maintenance.

Some people I know split the house into to with one upstairs and one down to ensure stability for children although that is not easy either.

Is his attitude "disgusting" because he is a man? I am a feminist and I don't see why women any more than men should have children after a divorce. Indeed I would have been happy with 50/50 as we both worked full time. I was the one who wanted my divorec and I stayed here with the children and their father had to leave. Would you also find that "disgusting"?

is it that she wont accept the way you frame the separation? it doesnt sound like there is much in it for her tbh from your proposals so far. you cant expect her to sort this out for you, you will need to be proactive and leave/or see a solicitor and get the ball rolling in a formal separation.

your wife might want to put in a claim for tax credits for 3 kids before the rules change btw

I agree with the be proactive point. My husband did not want to split up and his lawyer said stay in the house until the very final moment of house transfers, mortgage into my name, big pay out hit his account, conveyancing of house into his name. It was a long 7 months for all that to happen and that was without a single court hearing and to agree a clean break settlement and court sealed consent order on finances.

Seeing a solicitor even just for one hour is worth it. I did that early on as I wanted to know if I would lose the children and I would not have initiated a divorce if that were a risk. The advise was as the over age 13 children would choose to live with me then I would not so I went ahead. If the advice had been the other way round I would have continued to endure the marriage.

It's not disgusting to want to end a relationship, for whatever reason, male or female. It is unfair to dither and string things out.

This.

And it's unfair to expect the other party to be at the same stage of moving on that you are, too.

Yes, I watched my wife go through the same motions. She was unhappy and blamed it all on me. She has depression, not happy with her job, introverted, selfish and dismissive avoidant personality. She gets happy maybe 3 weeks in a year and that is when I know why I loved her.

Maybe you have issues that you are projecting on your wife. Reassess yourself thoroughly before going ahead.

Now that she is gone. She has moved house twice in a year, two failed relationships in year, very unhappy cant have the children for Xmas...lacks money...having to work more for less. The grass is not that green on the other side.

Hope she is happy though. I have meet a wonderful woman.

I think you need to go too but Im a great one to talk as im in a similar position but the other way around (female as my user name suggests!) Myself, DH are in limbo really and we are going around in circles. Im spineless and currently trying to work out what to do. You seem a few steps on from me. Go and try and make it as amicable as you can- you certainly seem to want that.

i also think you need to get on with leaving, your heart's not in it, your DW would always be on probation. I do think it'd be cruel to make her move out and try and get anymore than shared custody if you seriously want an amicable divorce. You have many more prospects for the rest of your life to recoup your status than a part-timer with 3 dc.

Hi OP,

I went through a similar situation, but I stayed.

By the time I seriously considered breaking up the relationship it I'd tolerated 5 years of neglect and verbal abuse. Trying to describe it now so cliched and yet so intolerable. I'd spend each day grinding away at my job, return home to chaos and be expected to cook and serve dinner in twenty minutes, had no time for hobbies as when at home (and not cooking) I was cleaning the house, organising the kids, paying the bills, and falling asleep from sheer exhaustion. Apart from doing the laundry, DW's contribution was to kick me out of the marital bed and call me all manner of names and row with me in front of the children. I ended up self-harming. Her behaviour towards me would certainly be considered abusive. She was unable to hold down a job, and eventually gave up, and instead started a business which failed to make any money over two years as I think anyone other than her could have foretold. There were occasions when she slapped the children and I had to step in, which caused all manner of ill feeling as she insisted on having her way in everything relating to the children. The acrimony would last for days each time we had a disagremeent. She was in a bad way, but there was no way I could help as she had taken everything I had to give, financially, emotionally and even physically, considering how exhausted I was. I gave up suggesting she seek some kind of help, as in her view any bad thing was caused by someone's fault, and that someone was never her. Five years of the names and the scenes left me with nothing but weary contempt.

I certainly told her that I was contemplating leaving, but I don't think she has ever realised just how close run a thing it was. Her reaction was quite different to your DW - she thought I was just being a massive idiot as usual, although I think she was probably panicking.

Why did I decide to stay? Because (and I admit, after a lot of discussion with a very helpful confidante), I thought, fuck it, we're a family, I'm going to make it work, and I'm not going to let DW get in the way of that. I reduced my interaction with her to the basics so that I wouldn't be hurt by her - and when she asked me what I was doing, that was the reason I gave: and that I wasn't going to tolerate any more arguing in front of the children, I wasn't going to tolerate her insisting that we 'talk' (if that meant her ranting at me) and if she was going to play up, I was going to flat out ignore her, which to my surprise I found I was able to do. It was very empowering. Basically I grew a very large pair of balls and had to reject a fair amount of what I was brought up to be in the process.

A year on, things are much better. I'm still the main breadwinner and I still carry a heavier burden of family than she does. I think she has realised that I'm not emotionally dependent on her enough for her to hurt me now, and that I could cope just as well without her even if I had sole custody of the kids. She also knows that in a divorce she wouldn't get sole custody or the house without my agreement. So she has a much more realistic idea of where she stands. We have even started to become affectionate again, but in a way very different to before our troubles began. She can still be an idiot sometimes, but she knows when to back off and leave stuff now, and as a result, my marriage is now far more than tolerable, and definitely strengthening.

It was right not to end the marriage. I'm sure that our kids are better for it, and I also feel I have control over my own life and as a result am much better able to carry out my responsibilities as a father. Yes, there are moments of stress, but they are getting fewer.

What you do is of course your own choice, but the point to make in all this is that you could find happiness by leaving. However, you could also find happiness through the self-esteem you will gain by sticking it out and making it work and through that you may find a new way of loving your wife.

Whatever you decide to do, all the best.

Having now left, and doing so in what I hope was a good way for the children, it being well managed and leaving them secure in the fact that mum and dad both love them unconditionally and still seeing dad regularly, I find myself struggling - which I am sure is a natural response to such a significant change.
I wonder whether I should return, find myself obscuring the reasons I left and my wife's issues (or rather my issues with her), for the sake of the children, an easy life (financially).
I suppose it just takes time however the long-term impact on me and my children is something that feels at the moment insurmountable.

You owe it to everybody, including yourself, to see this out now.

Is this the 'grass is greener' thing that your friends warned you about?

Suck it up. Don't go back. That would be extremely cruel and selfish. You'll be fine once you get used to it. Put on a happy face for the children and give it time.

"a good way for the children " - dumbarse!

OP, Having had very close friends go through something similar I felt the need to respond to this as I've seen the situation from both angles, although, they are currently back together and things are looking up for them, but they both went through a tough time prior to this.
Why would you think about going back? For you, your kids, your wife or all three? You said in August you told your wife you didn't love her 6 months prior to that and then you dithered about until September, what impact do you think that has had on her self esteem especially as you say she now has a 'genuine desire' to be close to you and have sex and yet you are still keeping her at a distance and she knows you don't love her despite her efforts, it's a very selfish way to be, imo. I bet she is glad you have finally decided to move out.
It seems like you want your cake and eat it, you want to see your children 7 days a week but you don't want to work at the said relationship, you have suggested you buy her out and the children stay with you (I find that an extremely bad thing for you to say, as a fellow male) especially as you are the one instigating the separation, you said your wife won't accept the separation and then on top of that you are suggesting she moves out of your family home, in reality could you look after them full time as well as continue in your job (I'm assuming you work full time as you say you bring in the 'lions share') you go on onto say your wife works in 2 jobs around school hours to avoid childcare costs, what happens with the children at the moment during the many school holidays they have?Does your wife look after them or do you use holiday clubs? As you say you are very close to them and want to see them as much as possible (ie 7 days!) so on the days the children are due to come to you will you be able to be flexible or take leave as you can't expect your wife to have the children on the days it's your turn because you work full time! My mate struggled with this whilst they were separated as his wife looked after their 2 Children when they were together but as they then 'shared' the care he had to arrange childcare during the holidays or take leave from work. You mention that you will be skint but on the other hand your wife will be relatively comfortable, if she doesn't want the separation in the first place (which is the title of your post) how comfortable do you think she will be trying to manage a house with 3 children and everything that comes with them on a daily basis without the support of her husband which she had previously and on top of that dealing with a separation that she doesn't want to accept.
Yes OP you have decided to break up so you should be the one to leave and face the consequences of that, as other people have said above you have to take the hit I'm afraid. Do not return because your having second thoughts as that will just cause more confusion and upset to your wife and your children especially as you say you want to make sure they are not hurt in all of this (although I'm unsure how you leaving is not going to cause them pain because it will and probably has) and by the sound of it you would only be returning for your own reasons because you have not once said that you miss your wife. However, If you have realised you do miss her then talk to her about whether she is happy for you to return, it would have to be a joint decision not just yours and you would then really have to work at it to ensure it does work out for her sake and your Children's because if you go back for any other reason then it is destined to fail, and as 'Randommess' stated above 'it will be a slow process and could take months to get the love back, especially If the intimacy of sex has been missing for many years then it is going to take years to grow the love between you back but it can work, as she showed it has for her.
You talk about the long term impact on your children and you, were you not once a family together? Your wife obviously also has feelings and the separation will have a long term impact on her as well, but you seem to have dismissed that, maybe you just haven't explained it well but that's how I read it I'm afraid. And as 'AndNowItsSeven' says your wife has done nothing to deserve this, you are controlling the situation and you don't appear to be offering a lot of positive options for her, your children come first and deserve to keep the family they have and your wife deserves you to keep your marriage vows! But then you also go on to say 'i do question how I could consider doing such a thing which will hurt them immensely and stay with them forever' how can you say that and yet still leave with those thoughts?? I think you seriously need to look at what is important in your life because reading back over your comments they are very confusing you say 'she will be left in a lovely family home with the kids' surely you also had the chance to stay there but you have choosen to leave, you cannot then blame your wife for you leaving as I'm sure she is going through a tough time dealing with the separation by what you have explained about her views on it! You have been together 16 years and married for 5 years, so can I just ask, how old are your children? has your wife changed drastically since you got married? (Due maybe to becoming a mother after you were married?) You haven't mentioned either of you has had an affair, all you say is you don't love her anymore and 'I have always thought this isn't what love is, this isn't what a relationship should be' (16 years is a long time to come to that conclusion) so what factors have caused you not to love her, did you not know her well enough when you got married? Because surely you loved her 5 years ago when you got wed? It seems as if you do think the grass is greener as you mentioned previously, you will find out as my mate did, that the grass is not greener and in fact the grass will only stay green if we look after it. I'm confused so god knows how she feels because you say 'she is demanding to know why I don't love her' good on her, do you not think she deserves an answer, because your comments say otherwise!! You seriously need to think about not only your view on things but your wives, I'm sure she will also want to see the children 7 days a week but she is being forced into seeing them less because that's what you want, the woman who carried them and gave birth to them, and the women you once loved (I hope) she will no doubt miss them immensely when she is not with them (only because I know my OH would miss our children so much as she misses them if she is away overnight and I saw my mates wife and children go through so much pain when they were away from her) Also no matter what, a mothers bond, love and care with her children is stronger than a fathers and children need their mother in times of illnesses and upset.
My last comment is this, If you once fell in love, then you can fall out of love and fall in love again, but you should also grow in love, Love is to be nurtured and cultivated like a living thing. The nurturing is what we sometimes fail to do after the wedding or after a long time together. If you do decide to give it a go for the right reasons then try doing the old things you used to do together in a new way, make time for one another, communicate and this in turn will keep the flame ablaze or at least relight the fire. I hope my comments haven't offended you too much as I do believe in speaking our mind on these forums, have a good day!