What's happened to us?

[1982Man]

I don't know whether or not it is simply the stress of having young children but my wife and I are barely functioning as couple anymore. I seem to bore her and she irritates me, we can't talk without snapping, we never talk about anything important or interesting (current affairs. Arts etc) or our feelings, we only have sex once a month and she's always too tired to actually give a hoot about me.
I do almost everything around the house and get nothing back - typical day would be: I get up, get the kids dressed and give them breakfast while she leisurely wakes and showers. I go to my very full on job all day and return to a messy house which I tidy whilst making dinner for everyone. I then bath the kids and get them ready for bed while she watches TV. After they go to sleep I tidy up after dinner, wash up and make packed lunches (including hers) for the next day. Sit down for an hour and then go to bed where she is "too tired" for sex.
Whenever I try to talk to her about it she makes me feel bad. If I keep myself to myself I'm accused of being moody and withdrawn.
What frustrates me is I'm in my prime. Without meaning to sound arrogant I'm fairly good looking and physically fit and very attentive. Just feeling extremely undervalued and in need of reassurance ...

Sounds like this is a very one sided relationship, whether there are or aren't kids involved. A relationship is a two-way thing and requires equal input. If what you're saying is true, I think you will have to break up as by the sound of things, the day to day routine stuff isn't working, and neither is there a spark.

How much time do you both get to be together without the kids? It sounds like a case of allowing mundane shit to get in the way of your connection to me.

The situation sounds unsustainable - have you considered couples counselling?

Have you asked her why she won't do more, why she is tired? Has she seen a doctor about it? This might have nothing to do with you personally, obviously it affects you but it might not be the relationship that is the problem.

Have you ever tried to point blank refuse to do the housework?

Are you sure you're doing everything around the house?
I ask because I'm sure that is what my dh always said. I was studying and was a ft parent. He had a job that meant he was out of the country for 2 weeks in 6.
It was hard. It was exhausting. I think he was furious because he'd find me slumped in front of the television when he arrived home. He would noisily put washing-up in cupboards and slam things.
Work in the home increases crazy amounts after the birth of a child, so just because you are doing more, it doesn't mean she is doing nothing.
Exhaustion breeds resentment.
BoF is right. You need to somehow ale time for the pair of you - it don't just happen.
You are together because you once wanted a future together - worth trying to remember thst - and probably worth giving it some effort.
Obviously, I don't know you, so can't really give specific, useful advice. But I would say it is definitely worth really actively intervening to try and make things better. After all, if it doesn't work, at least you'll know you tried.

I would suggest that you think about disconnecting demanding sex from the amount of housework that you've done. From your post it sounds like you think you are owed sex for the amount of effort you put into housework. There are several separate issues here, and the solutions are not necessarily connected. Whether or not your wife feels like having sex with you should have nothing to do with who has done what housework. Similarly, what you look like also has nothing to do with you deserving sex.

I would suggest talking about sharing out housework differently, without bringing up any of the resentment about lack of sex/affection. I don't know how young your children are, but looking after two small children for the day is exhausting, and not conducive to getting a lot of housework done!

Then have a separate conversation about the lack of intimacy. There may be things that are affecting her that she hasn't shared with you that may be reducing her interest. Have you tried being intimate with her but without making any demands or moves towards sex? E.g. just holding hands, hugging, cuddling on the sofa, rubbing her feet, without trying to move it on towards sexual things?

Tbh, from your post, it doesn't sound like there is anything you like about your wife at the moment. You haven't mentioned any of her good points at all, which is a little sad.

What does your wife do in the day? Does she go to work as well, or does she look after your children all day?

Who has the responsibility of waking in the night when the children stir? Who has the ear open?

Just something you said about the 'leisurely shower' , is this the only time your wife has without the kids?

To me, I think your wife needs to pick up the ball.

I would never expect my husband to do everything around the house and just get up whenever I pleased. He works full time and I went back to work part time. That was our choice because he has a higher pay than I do, so it made sense.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not at his beck and call and I don't expect him to work, come home and do nothing. But I do realize that I work less and have more time at home, so I make more of an effort to cook, clean, etc.

You need to really sit down and say to your wife how you feel. If she makes you feel bad, tell her she's making you feel bad and tell her you feel used and under-appreciated. Sex sometime does wane a little after you have kids initially, but you should be trying to work at it to make it better again. You want to have a good relationship not just for your own sake, but for your kids.

There was a similar thread on AIBU very recently where a SAHM is unhappy that her DH comes in from work and does nothing, she got complete support from the posters.

I think your wife needs to help more, Tidying, cooking and bath and bedtime for DCs should be shared. I'm surprised she doesn't want to do that though as bath time with small children can be fun rather than a chore.

When I was a SAHP for a few years I did pretty much everything but my then DH helped with the DCs alot. When I worked PT I still did the majority around the house as my DH worked long hours.

Now DCs are adults and DH and I both work FT, I do the majority of the cleaning and he does all the cooking - suits us as I hate cooking.

You need to speak to your DW, tell her you are unhappy, you sound resentful and rightly so if you are doing everything. The resentment will only get worse if you don't talk about it. Try to have an evening together without DCs, even if it's only at home with a nice meal.