Need Male POV on flirting/fancying someone but still love your DW?

[confusedmum2one]

Hi

I usually post under a different name but recently I have posted some very personal relationship matters on here so have a 2nd name (CM2O).

Although my DH denies fancying a girl a work I have reason to believe he has/does. He was sending some flirty emails (not really bad but definately over stepping the mark), he lied to me about something to do with this girl, he had some texts with her (not flirty but not usual behaviour for him) and he's been defending her to me when she and his friend had a problem a while ago.

What I'd like a blokes perspective on is; if DH does fancy this girl is it possible to be perfectly happy in our marriage and with our family life (our DD is 8 months old). I know he did not "do" anything with this girl apart from some flirting, but I keep thinking about what I can do to make our marriage better, I keep looking at myself and try to make myself more attractive/nicer person etc.
Or, do some guys get a bit taken by someone but it's no reflection on how they're feeling at home?

I'm still angry at past events but we have moved on and I wont bring it up with DH again. Only reason for posting this is I'm desperate to get a guy's perspective but don't have any guy pals to ask.

Thanks

clearly (i hope) im not a man but poked my nose in.

I thinkits perfectly normal for guys to flirt a little with women they meet at work/pub/footie etc. i think i would be a little bit narked at the non work related text's but if you have seen them they obviously aren't too naughty or he would have hidden them.

I always think that if they are open and honest about what they have said or done then youhave nothing to worry about..its when they start denying things or trying to hide it that the problems arise.

my dh flirts with other women and im not bothered at all as i know he will always be honest to me and tell me everything and trust me he does!! i think its funny to be honest and it keeps him happy and i dont see the risk as its harmles and he tells me the full details about what some of these women say to him etc and we have a laugh over it especially when another woman comes on to him, weve been out to clubs[admittedly when we were younger] and he has danced with other women and i with other men if i want and its o.k for me to flirt too as we agree its us that want s to be together and its ok to have a bit of fun in life if its harmless and open..talk to him about it and tell him to be open about it,youre not judging him but want toknow if everything is ok in your relationship .hope that makes sense

Man on board!

V. tricky and individual....

Do know that you looking like sex on legs still wouldn't stop the habit of flirting..it isn't about you at all..it is what some men do as a habit with some women they find attractive....have been guilty of this myselfin the past but partner's never 'aware' of it - have ALWAYS ceased on reflection of the thought "would I wish/approve of her behaving similarly?" Am no killjoy, but what is sauce for the goose....I am probably insecure enough to get upset if I witnessed a partner doing this, so its a bit difficult for me to justify my flirting...

As is so often , it is a matter of personal taste.

If it is eating you, then it isn't possible to conduct a happy home life...by definition, and accept this as part of the 'package'...or, change your expectaations of what you expect from the marriage.....

Female pov here too - nothing wrong imo with flirting and chatting to other women IF you are ok with that. Think the flirty texts are a bit out of oder mind you. As much as am happy for dh to flirt in person, I think texts is taking it a step too far.

You need to agree what is ok for both of you. If one of you isn't happy then you need to talk about it.

Sorry Queen you reminded me - text, emailing, lying...way over the boundary, imho.

If he has previously lied to you about something to do with this girl, then i would be a bit worried tbh.

Another female pov.Flirting, chatting when in the office is one thing,I did it and I'm sure a lot of people do it. However, sending texts that's getting way to personal imo. But I'm jaded, as a text is what showed me that my h was having an affair. It's obviously bothering you and I can relate to that. You feel that your trust has been broken and so this has made you feel vunerable. I'm sorry that you're upset about it. I should imagine he's been flattered by her attention, but perhaps now he's taken it too far.

Flirtings ok in my book, because that's all it is - flirting. It makes you feel you've still got it (I'm 37 so there's not a lot left!!). But for me that's as far as it ever goes. My wife isn't the sort of lady who flirts but I wouldn't have a problem with it if she did. Indeed many a time whilst we're out she has commented to me that some chap has been eyeing her up and she has this little glow on her face - so clearly it makes her feel good too.
On the rare occasion I flirt it's in an open situation, usually the office, and other people are around i.e. it's not serious but.. texting, to me anyway, seems a bit more personnel/private, which would set alarm bells ringing to me.
Maybe it's just a crush and nothing will happen but you know him best

Message deleted

The intention is the thing. Is it Pure Flirting or Applied Flirting? Flirting for fun isn't a problem. If you're flirting with a purpose in mind, it could be.

I think if a relationship is strong enough, nobody is going to get upset about a bit of flirting on either side.

I've never been able to "get" male jealousy at other men admiring their partner. The whole "you lookin' at my bird?" thing. If I'm out with DW and she's looking lovely, I love the fact that other men are eyeing her up, because I know this gorgeous creature is mine and they can't have her. The last thing I'd do is go over and thump the bloke.

Fattiemuma - DH didn't tell me about the emails/texts etc I found them when I had to check his phone for a number.. i admit I am a particularly suspicious person (a horrible trait that I am trying desperately to remove) so when I saw the same number cropping up on his phone bill I thought I'd see whos number it was. The reason I opened the phone bill is because we both have the same network and one bill was sky high and the other was normal and I was worried it was me being off work making my mobile phone bill sky high. However, it's not like he tried to intercept his mobile bill or denied any of it when I asked him about the emails/texts.

Bambi06 - I am a jealous type of girl (gosh I sound just awful don't I) I am not happy at all with him flirting but he's never ever been the type to do so! Perhaps though he's been hiding it because he knows how I feel about it?
I agree with what you have all said that face to face flirting IS harmless and although I don't like the idea of him doing this I have probably done it myself! However, the emails and texts ARE too far (although tbh the texts weren't really flirting just not business like)

Thanks Pann for MPOV, that's what I said to my DH about the emails and texts "how would you feel if it were you reading my emails and finding this".. he then said having thought about the emails etc that he cringed and was becoming over familiar and was sorry.

Alibaldi - yes I think he's been really flattered by her attention (and me saying I'm looking at myself to improve etc is because she's stunning and everyone fancies her). She's so full of life apparently (she's single and doesn't have an 8 month old waking twice a night!).

I know that noone will be able to tell me how/what my DH is thinking or how he will/might behave etc. I know that I have quite strong views on flirting and behaviour (this girl knows he's married with young baby and still invited him to sleep on her sofa after a works night out and wanted him to give her a piano lesson!). It's good to get an idea of other people's perspective on this because I know that I am too uptight about things like this.

The email exchange was a one off series of replies to one another, like I said it wasn't over the top flirting but made me feel very uncomfortable reading it.

Thanks everyone for all your replies, things have been really good between us lately and I really don't want to drag this up again with him. I think I've got to deal with it my way and move on (he's given me all the assurances and tried to explain as best he can how he got a bit over familiar and denies fancying her). If I bring it up again it feels like it takes us back to sq 1 and makes me feel so distant from him. I love this man but sometimes feel as though my love is a little suffocating.

Thanks again MNs

I think this might have more to do with you two negotiating 'day to day' life with an 8 month old tbh. Are you cool with everything re: childcare / stuff at home ? It's still not an 'easy' time when they're 8 months, it's still not easy to go out occasionally or just be alone... maybe he is finding the required adaptation a little tricky ?

His behaviour does sound like it overstepped (or is teetering on the edge of overstepping) what might be deemed 'acceptable', but it's possible it's all reasonably innocent, and the sofa-crashing might just be friendly - the woman is younger and possibly has mates crash over all the time IYSWIM... but I would be on my guard, and I don't condone his behaviour.

Good luck.

I think 'out in the open' flirting can be healthy and constructive for a relationship. It can add spice to the way you feel about your partner, and does not really have anything to do with being dissatisfied with them, more about being full of the joys of life and appreciating other human beings. Flirting that the other partner is not aware of / would not approve of, is risky at best and corrosive at worst.

Oh darn it here I am on a serious thread with stupid name as usual. Will go and change

Hi

Just thought I'd post an update for you since you were all kind enough to reply to me.

Thanks for all your advice/opinions. It's helped to give me a different perspective on things and help me become more understanding.

Things have really improved between my DH and I. We have talked alot and been out for some nights out together - things are just a lot better all round.
I feel that I understand him more now and I don't feel like "I don't know him anymore". I think I was probably being very jealous and possessive whilst I was adjusting to becoming a mum myself.

So thanks MNers , I feel much, much happier now