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Gents.... your assistance please....

3 replies

1Baby1Bump · 26/07/2006 20:25

My dh is 25.
ds1 has just turned 1 year and ds2 is due late august.

He has a physical job, which i appreciate, and they also have no air con/fans at his work so he is exhausted when he gets home.

I look after ds1 exclusively and work 4 days per week and get up to ds in the night and, obviously, am 8 months preg.

Its hard going but i am coping (just) and when ds2 is born i will give up work. hence i ma happy to be the main carer iykwim.
Im afraid the boys wont know him, like i didnt really know my dad. my dad was just there. if we wanted anything, needed anything it was all mum. dad just brought the money home.

when the kids get older, do men find they can get more involved or is this it?
he is not very patient and is just, incapable, of looking after ds.

is he normal? will he get better?

apparently his dad was like this and once dh and his bro got to about 2 he came into his own with them and his mum was left out.

OP posts:
dh40k · 29/07/2006 19:52

The chances are that he doesn't know any other way to be. If his life-models (his father and brother) are hard-workers who expect(ed) to come home and find dinner on the table, the kids scrubbed for inspection and the DW ready to provide conjugal privileges once the kids were in bed, then he'll expect the same in his life.

I suspect he isn't quite that extreme, but there does seem to be a dominant expectation amongst working men that, as they give their 8-10 hours a day to bring home the bacon, then they should be left alone to watch telly/read the paper/go down the pub when they come home. The wife contributes no money to the family and her contribution is therefore seen as less than the husbands (note that this can work the other way around when the woman works and the man is carer, but usually doesn't, oddly enough...).

If he is open to reason, then you may want to bring him around to the idea that although it's his name on the pay statement, your income is a joint effort. The fact that he gets laundered clothes, a tidy(ish) house, decent meals and suchlike contributes to his ability to work as hard as he does.

If he can accept this, then he may (!) be more likely to help out at weekends and on those days when his work is less demanding - after all, if he isn't at work then there's still 50% of the hosue stuff to be done.

If not...


Scoobydooooo · 29/07/2006 20:01

My Dp is exactly the same he is 27, well seems to be getting a little bit better in the last couple of weeks, only because this is what we mainly row about.

I am a SAHM & i have a 4 yr old & a 6 month old, let me tell you when you have the baby is well you are going to NEED his help, it is much harder & very demanding.

I also think it comes from the fact this is what he has seen & been brought up like, he brings the money in & then we do all this stuff at home, my dp does physical work outside & is knackered at the end of the day, but i also have a full time job of looking after 2 kids & my work does not stop at 6pm like his it goes on all day 24/7 & its exhausting.

I say try to explain that when the baby arrives you are going to need him to help, i think he will see you will need him more but dont let him keep slipping back to what he was (my dp does this alot) i dont know the answer but will be watching this thread with interest.

Sorr i did know you asked for gents opinions but i did not want you to feel your the only one in this position

Goodluck with baby no 2

1Baby1Bump · 30/07/2006 18:19

thanks guys. i will update as and when!!

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