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Original poster

ex moving boyfriend into marital home

81 replies

dogtired190 · 30/08/2013 22:17

wife moved in new boyfriend without telling me.
i left her a year ago for another.have continued to pay house bills and mortgage (£800 a month)still go to house regularly as garage is also my workshop. have two children 18 and 16. wife on low income + benefits only, recently started working part time after 20 years
should i continue to pay ? can i tell him to pay rent? can i ask him to go?
what should i do???

OP posts:
kickassangel · 31/08/2013 14:04

So get divorced and get it sorted.

You are obliged to support your children until they are independent. That may mean indirectly giving money to your ex who then uses it as she sees fit. But you have no right to tell her who can drive the car or stay in the house.

It isn't the marital home, you left the marriage.

Or are you delaying the divorce so you can use the garage then sell the house when your younger turns 18?

If you have genuine concerns about the safety of your kids, raise them properly, but it bears no relationship to the finances.

78bunion · 31/08/2013 14:09

The problesm here are because no one earns much 0 the new lover, the father/poster, the ex wife - none of them even as much as the minimum wage so I suspect the tax payer is also picking up some of the cost in tax credits etc (i.e. the rest of us).

Secondly sort out the divorce finances now - she has offered she takes the equity - she is not likely to get it all even though she probably sacrificed her career to bring up the children as the youngest will be 18 in 2 years. She might get 70% perhaps of the £270k and perhaps then a clean break for you from supporting her. Someone will also need to help pay for these children at university too and house them half the year in university holidays. See a solicitor and then reach agreement with the ex negotiating the divorce settlement. Next time round seek higher earner women - do not make the same mistake again.

clam · 31/08/2013 14:27

Why does he have no say over who drives the car if he's paying the insurance?

kickassangel · 31/08/2013 15:49

Clam, he could get divorced, pay maintenance and ex w pay insurance.

Instead he is using the property still, paying the bills and confusing the duty to support his children with the right to tell his ex how to live. He has left the marriage and still wants to tell ex w how to live.

A clean break would be better for all of them.

Op, why isn't the divorce going ahead? I see no reason for delay.

headlesslambrini · 31/08/2013 16:15

FFS cancel the car insurance but give your ex at LEAST one months notice that you are doing so, so that she can arrange her own insurance. As to the rest of it, I'd say Karma has just hit home. Grass isn't always greener on the other side, is it? You left your wife and DC's, you made this mess so live with it. I have no sympathy for you at all in regards to this. Whoever your ex takes up with is, has nothing whatsoever to do with you, whether he is solvent or not, is nothing to do with you and unless you can prove arson then his past has nothing to do with you. Stop trying to control this situation, you gave up any rights over this when you had the OW.

It doesn't really matter what the rest of the world does or doesn't do in relation to paying bills etc so no actually, you do not deserve a pat on the back and the fact that you said that you do, says alot about your character IMHO. This is between you and your ex. Make a clean financial break. get legal advice and fucking move on with your life.

colditz · 31/08/2013 16:43

Girl?

She is old enough to have an eighteen year old child, and she's still considered by you to be a GIRL?

NumTumDeDum · 31/08/2013 17:21

It's a patronising term isn't it. 'Girl'.

I also urge you to seek legal advice.

Spottypurse · 31/08/2013 17:25

You are coming across as very controlling and frankly manipulative.

SoupDragon · 31/08/2013 17:38

Out of interest, how much would it cost you to rent a workshop elsewhere?

TiredDog · 31/08/2013 17:55

My ex is a frustrating little boy. He too thought he'd be able to pop back to marital home and the status quo would remain the same

You're not her mother. She's a woman not a girl. She's entitled to a love life just as you are to yours. At least she had the decency to wait until the marriage was over. Did you ask her permission or your DCs before you moved the OW into everyone's lives?

Paying maintenance, paying spousal maintenance is probably your legal obligation not a favour. If it isn't then sort it legally. Don't assume it gives you control. You don't have a harem to control

volvocowgirl · 31/08/2013 18:06

Divorce and sort the financials now before it gets any messier.

Original poster
dogtired190 · 01/09/2013 15:31

well thank you for all the posts, its been very interesting to hear other opinions. the balance say im wrong to be upset its not my concern anymore and get divorced. some support for my position. to put it in extremes its suck it up or pull the plug! not one post has suggested talking it through with the ex and getting an agreement of some sort which is really all i wanted, and that is what we are doing. it isnt easy but we know that we do have to communicate to avoid conflict. ante rather than post bf would have been preferable, but she expressed regret for that. he will also be paying rent! im not a bad man, vindictive or controlling i just like to see the bumps in the road before i hit them. my ex and i know for all our differences that happiness for all is the desired result despite the hurt
thanks again

OP posts:
Spottypurse · 01/09/2013 16:00

A word of advice. Unless your ex is under 18 she's not a girl. That shows your attitude to her in a nutshell.

colditz · 01/09/2013 17:30

Everyone has given you advice ... O you're going to completely ignore that and do what you are already doing and what isn't working.

Good choice!

TiredDog · 01/09/2013 19:36

ante rather than post bf would have been preferable. Probably similar could be said of starting a new relationship whilst married I imagine

NumTumDeDum · 01/09/2013 19:59

The majority said to seek legal advice and get an agreement. Which involves talking it through but with a realistic idea of what a court would be likely to decide, ie knowing your position before commencing discussion.

MisForMumNotMaid · 01/09/2013 20:12

Have you ever considered mediation?

It sounds as though emotionally you're both moving on but financially their is no exit plan.

With £270k equity between you theres money to help your dc find their feet in a couple of years (rent deposits etc) and even after costs to have a decent amount to put down on somewhere/ invest yourself.

In the meantime if your ex lives in the house with new partner a rent element coud always be deducted from her share, morally assuming you'd pay a percentage of the household costs and maintenance also.

Zoe909 · 02/09/2013 20:29

"financial control is the only control I have".

hmm. You left your x for another woman and yet you feel entitled to have control.

Just because some men walk away and pay nothing doesn't make you worthy of a round of applause for paying something towards your own children. So, you're not a deadbeat. Great, neither is their mother. Their mother is not a deadbeat either. IN fact the bulk of the sacrifices of parenting will fall to her if she is the main carer.

As for feeling guilt for "freeloading" with your new gf, I think you need to think about what your real responsibilities are. Your first responsibility is to maintain a stable home and pay maintenance for your children. Only after you have done that can you find space in your head to feel guilty for not paying towards your gf. This is the woman who wanted you despite knowing you had a wife and kids.

78bunion · 03/09/2013 11:11

Yes, most of us were recommending reaching agreement - including my post. You need to finalise the divorce once and for all with an agreed consent order. Make an offer after taking legal advice and then have solicitors write it into a consent order once it is agreed and have the court seal it.

Twiddlebum · 03/09/2013 11:23

Yet again an op getting a hard time for simply sounding out an idea!!!! Confused

If the op is paying for bills/mortgage why should he pay for the electricity, water,gas, etc used by the new BF??

The op is doing right by paying as he is but I don't think it is unreasonable that the new BF should contribute the the bills etc instead of freeloading!

SoupDragon · 03/09/2013 11:31

Yet again an op getting a hard time for simply sounding out an idea!!!!

No he didn't. Advice was give, questions were asked, stuff was ignored...

Zoe909 · 03/09/2013 23:04

he wasn't simply sounding us out. he wanted to be told that he was good for paying when "he didn't have to" and for people to sympathise at his loss of control. he needs to let his x have some of the freedoms he's enjoyed whilst still remembering his responsibility is to his children before his gf.

Twiddlebum · 04/09/2013 04:45

Zoe, you sound very bitter and seem determined to take it out on this op regardless. When relationships break up its hard and never going to be easy with financial stuff etc but I do believe that SOME men get an unnecessary hard time for walking away. Would you prefer all men to stay in an unhappy relationship all their life?? Preventing both partners from meeting someone better suited!? I know a few men that are in the op's position and its certainly not easy for them!! As for walking away leaving the children..... I'm sure many men would love to have custody of their children.... Could you imagine the uproar if they did... They can do no right!!

Zoe909 · 04/09/2013 12:28

I am not going to detail my personal circumstances to you but I have nothing to complain about. There may be an element of cognitive dissonance on your part there, if you think that I must be 'bitter' just because I recognise an entitled mind set when I see it.

I wonder why you are motivated to collude with the OP in believing he is entitled to admiration/gratitude for paying maintenance? Sympathy is one thing, but to encourage the OP's idea that he is a little bit hard done by, or, that he has a grievance when his wife finds a new partner - it comes across as though you have some issues..

But that can be your thread! Here on this thread, it does the OP no good to have his sense of entitlement nurtured. Whether he likes it or not the relationship between he and his xw will work better if the sacrifices of parenting are equalised, and he adopts a little self-awareness. This will help him relinquish the control he admits to wanting, and to behave in a respectful, sympathetic way in order to nurture a more egalitarian co-parenting plan.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/09/2013 18:40

Interesting that when a man moves in with a woman a contributes nothing he is a cocklodger.

Yet the cocklodger that moves into the house that the OP is paying for is just his ex's dp.

If the op is paying for this man to live rent free then the op is deserving of some sympathy.

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