Stay at home dad??

[essexman]

Hi

my wife and I have a 4 month old son (our first) and are currently trying to decided who goes back to work etc at the end of my wifes maternity leave. Things are generally OK in our relationship except the odd bit of stress related snappiness etc.

I am lucky enough to have a reasonably well paid job in IT with good benefits but the bottom line is that I dont enjoy it that much. I earn about 30% more than my wife and surviving on just my salary is a possibility.

My wife is good at her job and enjoys it a lot of the time, and has suggested me being a stay at home dad at the end of her maternity leave. Surviving on my wifes salary wouldnt leave us with much after essentials were paid for, but we have quite a lot of savings thanks to years of sensible investment etc so we could scrape along for a couple of years.

My wife doesnt want to give up work completely whatever happens so if I didnt want to be a SAHD, we would have to put our son in a nursery part-time.

I am trying to imagine what this would be like as a SAHD but being a bloke I've never prepared myself for it. When I look after my son on my own I find it a struggle at times but I am guessing so do most first time parents.

My chief worries are

1. Will I go bananas looking after my son on my own all days 5 days a week and deeply regret giving up a frustrating but well-paid job.

2. When my son goes to school etc, will I be able to get a reasonable job?.
   
   If I am honest my skills are not that up to date now, so in 2 years time my chances of finding another job in IT could be pretty remote. Maybe I would just have to accept a situation where I would have top just scrape by doing any part-time jobs I could until my son was old enough for me to start a new full-time career, while my wife was the main "earner".

If anyone has done the SAHD thing or has any comments on the wisdom or lack of it in what I am considering, let me know.

Thanks!

Could you work part time at your current job?

Possibly....but if they said yes unlikely they would let me go back to full-time at some later point.

I haven't done the SAHD myself, but my best friend did with two children.

The main problem my friend found was that as a bloke it presented problems being one of the 'mums'. They all loved him, but getting invited round for tea or playdates tended not to happen as however meek and non-threatening he was he found that if he was sitting there at the another mums house having a chat and a biscuit , and the husband came home from work it would be uncomfortable ( if quite polite ) iyswim.

I've found similar problems myself when my daughter stays with me. Was delighted that my neighbours had similar aged kids, but the husband wasn't happy about me ( a single bloke ) spending time with his Mrs whilst he was out, so we stopped going round there very much as there was an atmosphere.

I'm sure someone will post different experiences, but that was one of my friends main gripes. I'd think overall it's probably one of the most rewarding things you could do in bringing your child up. I don't think you'll go bananas.

You might find you want your child to go to nursery at some point, especially if you have another child. Your son will benefit from the socializing and it gives you some time back. But that's in the future I guess.

i work 4 days a week and oh also 4 days a week, then we have 3 days nursery. she's still has her old job at a phamaceutical firm but has probobly been mummy-tracked, (you need to be sending emails at midnight to make department head).
i'm a builder and self-empolyed so my clients either like it or lump it. with some occasional appeasment on a saturday.

anyway, it works really well for us, i pick the kids up every afternoon and she dropps them off on her way to work every morning, and we both keop our jobs.

were both dog-tierd all the time though.

My experience is rather negative I'm afraid. My XH offered to stay at home, after a couple of months hated it, I then gave up and he retrained but didn't really find work until he walked out two years later and his parents refused to let him move back home. I found myself at home two children, eldest with issues (turns out he's got ASD) in a new area with no money and several years out of the job scene, no childcare and a career that isn't very forgiving to families - my life is fine now but I don't think I will ever have a career again I'm too far removed from it. XH didn't do well from it either he, after what is now going on 10 years only earns 60% of what he did when he gave up.

He found it mind boglingly boring yet time consuming to do all the little jobs involved with being at home. As Someone else has mentioned he found that groups for children were actually for mums and that it was awkward for other husbands that he was in their house without them - turns out he did have a few flings, they were more switched on than me.

With a great deal of hindsight, other issues asside, I'd have pushed harder for part time (3 days) got him to do same possibly he should have taken a temporary step backwards to keep his hand in the job market and we should have used nursery two days a week and shared housework. That way once the DC were in full time education, its the blink of an eye in the overall scheme of things, we could have ramped back up again.

If part time and your employer didn't have opportunity to ramp up you could look else where and your CV shows you as gainfully employed, not a SAHP out of the loop of all things in a development sense.

If your wife can't, or doesn't wish to, be part time could you do 50% hours two days in the office and three normal work days at home with your DC maybe get a cleaner for a few hours so they do laundry and cleaning and you get quality time with your DC five out of seven days?

The money if you can cover basics and no holidays for a few years is really not an issue. Stepping away from the jobs market would be my biggest concern for you all.

... um, that sounds awful ANT, if we're heading down the warts and all path, I'd add then that my best mate ( described above ) who was a SAHD, his wife was a very high flying exec who was 13 years his junior, and in classic reverse stereotype he became the frumpy crinkled SAHD covered in bits of banana and cheese pasta , she had an affair with another slick exec.

( hopes someone will be along with a bit more of a positive story )

my DH is trying to figure out how he can be a SAHD. We in a similar position, OP, he makes more than I do, but hates his job. I am trying to get a big raise so that he can change to part time and stay home more.

If you can go aprt time it will at least keep you more up to date, so that when you want to go back to full, you'll have some skills. you may have to change companies, but if you hate where you are, that shouldn't be too horrible! My DH just changed companies and he's much happier, even though the actual work isn't really fun for him anymore. just a little change ha made it better.

And I don't think you'll go crazy, but Mr.Gin makes a good point about the jealousy of other dads. Maybe look for a dad group?

Thanks for all the suggestions. Each route has its challenges. Neither the wife or I are the playing away kind so hopefully not an issue, but I guess no one thinks that until its too late.....

Maybe I'll just have to suck it up and stay where I am at least part Time for
now.....

Two ways of thinking about it I guess

1 we plan to only have one as we will be too old and poor to have any more, so why don't I seize this precious chance to spend time with my son and find a job I enjoy when he goes to school

2 it makes sense for the higher earner I.e me to work. Plus, the world isn't really geared up for sahd's re: baby groups etc and I might hate it.

The problem with us both going part time is that we are then dependent on the flexibility of 2 employers, and it makes it tough for either of us to switch jobs. Saying that, at least we both get time with our son and some sort of career.

Arrrgh decisions are never easy !

DH does it, but it has been a gradual thing, we both ran our B&B business together, but as the credit crunch hit one of us had to go to work, it made sense weirdly for me to as DH can run the B&B and also do all the maintenance, I love going to work, I think he is OK being at home, both children have been in school/preschool though. He has his time in the winter when he goes shooting.

Go for quality of life over money, every time. My DH is a SAHD and, while he has some difficult days, he enjoys it much more than working. We were lucky that we do the same job and earn similar wages so that was never a problem. We earn less than most of our friends who have two parents at work and cant do some of the things they do, but we are much happier than both trying to hold down a job. You will find a way to make the money thing work if thats really what you want to do

Lots of IT people get work on a freelance basis through People Per Hour. That's what I do...I'm not in IT but I stay at home and work part time via them...it boosts our income just enough and like working alone. Could you do that?

The question of jealousy is a silly thing to bring up...I know a number of SAHDs and they just go to normal toddler groups...not special "Dad ones" They're not getting leaped on by rabid SAHMs!

OK - so if you go PT you won't get FT back - but then you won't get that if you quit either! I think it's good to keep a foot in the workplace, keeps your skills up etc.

I agree toddler groups are usually mostly women but there have often been at least one male regular at each one I've attended. I know my local children's centre does a dad's morning - and you may be able to seek out other SAHDs in your area for moral support / coffee.

You might hate being a SAHD - but then your wife might hate being a SAHM!

You don't sound that sure about being a SAHD?

I would really recommend thinking about the option of both going part time. Say one of of you goes to three days and other to four. That's only two nursery days to find - which against 7 days of the week is not much time away from you. You both get to know him so deeply by being in sole charge for some of the time. You both get to keep a hand in with your careers. And financially it is better than one person not working, even if the gross numbers are similar, because you both use your tax bands to best effect. Plus if you get childcare vouchers from your employer you can both claim them, which

Really, I wouldn't look at it as making it difficult to move in the future. You have already said that your wife would want to work part time if you worked, so she would have that issue. And if either of you give up work totally that is a darn sight harder back into work than part time. So many things can change and be re-evaluated as time goes on. Just to give some numbers, working on a year's maternity leave, its then only about three years until your son starts school, when all the chips are up in the air again.

You say it would be hard to go back up to full time - but if you wanted to move jobs you could always go back up to full time then? How hard would your wife find it to go back up to full time if you both went part time to start with and you loved it so much you wanted to give up work totally?

My DH and I have done this arrangement in the past. It worked really well. I am actually a SAHM for a bit at the moment for various reasons, and I love SAHD's at toddler groups because they normally want to talk about something other than the kids - very refreshing. Some mothers only want to talk to about their children, and you can end up a bit stalkerish on the ones you know you can have a proper conversation with!

We have chopped and changed over the years.We now have two sons (5 and nearly 13).I have gone back to work full time and stay away 3 nights a week.DP is with the boys pretty much 4 days and 3 nights a week.It is not easy!He always says work is a dodle in comparison.He did the mum and todler thing and visiting clinics to get babies weighed and never really had an issue tbh.It is whatever works for you both.
We find it a struggle money wise but one of us has always been at home for the children.
I wish you luck with your choice.

I think it's a very large issue for any parent full-time at home that they are completely out of the job market for probably a minimum of 2 years - all the worse in IT.

Do you know anyone in your team or industry who is working very part-time, like two days a week, or who would like to (my personal view is that one day a week is practically unworkable in most jobs, but I'm willing to be contradicted)? Do you think a job-share might be an option? If you go jointly to an employer and present them with effectively a full-time employee option, IMO they are likely to regard this more positively than a flexible working or part-time working request. But I have never job-shared myself. It is certainly possible that you could come to regard your time in your job as a refreshing change from being at home - i.e. enjoy it more - and your time at home as really enjoyable because you know you get a break from it.

I think the excluded dads thing is an issue, though it is changing a bit. Google in your area, ask around. I would say that the mum's network was absolutely essential to me in remaining happy at home for the ten months I managed. I was rarely at home, I was out of the house all the time I could manage, as I found that my misty view of sitting comfortably on the sofa with a lovely cuddly baby chewing its fingers morphed into the reality of either a baby wanting to squirm off my lap and explore the world, screaming until I took it with me, or being so tired that if I sat down I had to fight every second to stay awake. Neither was an issue if I were out and about. Boredom was certainly an issue - I never knew how long 5 minutes could be until I was attempting to spend 5 solid minutes interacting with an 8-month-old - but it was still a time I didn't want to miss, so I sucked it up. No regrets.

I would also say that you should consider what you would actually like out of a dad's network - the chances are that it would not involve an exact reproduction of the mum's network anyway. If you started a dad's group of some kind, or a parents' group that was explicitly aimed at a mixed membership, you might be knocking at an open door in your area and being the change you would like to see. What about a golf round with the babies strapped papoose style to your back and a changing mat rolled up in the clubs bag? Or taking on an allotment, which while the babies are immobile is a good option? Sorry if this is stereotypical but they're just suggestions.

Thanks for all the points raised everyone. I think me giving up completely is probably more about me wanting to give up my job rather than be a full time SAHD, so it isnt a decision being made for the right reasons.

I think maybe the way forward is for me to ask my current employer whether I could go down to 3 days per week. If they say yes, my wife could find out whether she could come back on 2 days.

If they say yes, we then have all bases covered and dont need to rush around trying to find a nursery place for next Feb when little soldier goes back.Wife and I will be providing childcare and we both get a bite of each cherry. No one has to go back to square one with their career. Everyones a winner (well sort of, I still have to do my jobs 3 days a week but thats better than 5 ).

If they say no, we'll think again. I can always tell them to stick it up their drainpipe when my wife goes back then and do something else completely different later when my son goes to school.

Sounds like a good plan :)