Need some advice

[Poshie]

Complicated story but I'll try and explain stuff. I'm 36, with two daughters, 2 and 11 months. When I was 21 I had viral meningitis and didn't recover and was later diagnosed with ME. I was severely ill for six years but eventually made a partial recovery and was able to return to work, met my partner and then became a full time parent after the birth of my eldest. Before the birth of my second daughter I began to get ill again and despite desperately trying to carry on my health relapsed. I was no longer able to look after our daughters and, with my partner having to work to pay the bills, our daughters had to go to live with their maternal grandparents. I went home to my own parents to attempt to recover . I had by this time also become severely depressed about the situation. That was in November last year.

Six months on and I've beaten the depression and with pain medication I have a better grip on my ME symptoms although I'm not getting any better. I've moved back into my own home to try and look after myself and support my girlfriend who is struggling desperately with not seeing our children every day. She usually travels to see them one evening midweek and at the weekend. Anyway, with my health under more control and back in my own house I asked my gf if I could travel back to her parents to see the girls last night or this weekend. I was absolutely stunned to be told that her mum says she cannot deal with the situation and blames me for making her daughter unhappy and that I am not welcome to stay in her house or visit my own daughters. The only option is got them to come to me every fortnight. I'm flabbergasted and devastated. Her mum has always had strange obsessions but we've always got on well, never had crossed words and I'm an easy houseguest. I confronted my girlfriend for support but she said that she can't change the situation and that because her mum is doing us the favour of looking after our children she can't question her. She's also made it clear to me that if I complain about it she feels that she may need to end our relationship.

I'm baffled, lost, confused, I don't know what I feel really. It all seems unreal. What sort of person would think that of someone who is physically ill and put their own feelings on front of 2 children seeing their dad. I feel like I'm being treated as if I've had an affair, not got ill. Should I confront my girlfriend or her mother and risk the fallout or just keep quiet and take it. I can't believe the whole situation, either the behaviour of my girlfriends mother or that my girlfriend won't support me in this. Should I just fuck them all, leave my gf and try to get custody or try and keep my relationship together for my daughters. My eldest is already struggling with the situation.

Any advice would be welcome.

Wow - you have my sympathy Poshie, sounds like you've all had a terrible time of it lately.

My advice, for what it's worth: try and avoid confrontation.

Whilst you have every right to be upset, as a parent you may be able to empathise (if not sympathise) with your mother-in-law(ish?)'s position. As a Dad the world revolves around your kids - right? It's the same for her. All she sees is her daughter upset and struggling to cope; her grandkids upset; and her workload doubled with having to look after them. There's only one 'cause' in her mind: you. Harsh - but true.

Without getting too 'management speak' about it - try and find solutions, not problems. If you go down the separation; custody and legal battle route it will end badly for all of you, most of all the kids.

Try and open up a dialogue. Your girlfriend's Mum is struggling to cope? How can you help? Financially? If that's not an option can you help practically? If you're not well enough to take them off her hands (even for a few hours, so she has some time to herself at a weekend) could you say: prepare meals for them to send over? Collect/drop them off from nursery/school (if they go)?

I'm making it up as I go along but start to offer these things. Importantly, try not to be offended/upset if they're rejected. Sounds like everyone is feeling very raw and strained - again, understandable, for all of you. It's important to remember that everyone is as upset about the current situation as you are.

The important thing is you're offering - it's almost symbolic. Find out what you could do and, if you're able, do it. Baby steps will get you towards your goal.

Ultimately you all want the same thing: what's best for your kids. You want to see them more; so does your girlfriend; gf's mother wants more help. Those goals are not so far apart as to be mutually exclusive.

There will be a way to get to that goal - but it'll take time; talking and a LOT of patience.

Good luck.

Thank you. Very wise words. Broadly I agree with what you say about avoiding confrontation and that's been the way I've been approaching things. It's just quite difficult try to behave reasonably when you don't feel others are. I'd love to go and help, even though I'm 50 miles away, but it's not welcome. I feel for my gf terribly. She's having a horrible time. She knows that her mum is being unreasonable but feels helpless to do anything about it.

It's interesting how practical a man's response to this is rather than the more emotive responses I got when I posted this on the main forum! It's just very difficult sitting here knowing that my gf is spending the weekend with our children when I can't simply because of someone's whim.