Dad died last week and I feel angry

[TypicalCrouchEnder]

My Dad died last week very suddenly. He wasn't the healthiest guy in the world (30 cigarettes a day) but was active and full of life. At 64 he had become a brilliant grandad to my three DC and he and Mum seemed to be having a lovely time together in retirement.

Apart from my obvious shock and grief, here's the issue. Dad had a big drink problem for around 10years before retirement and made my Mum's life hell (I won't go into the details but his behaviour was extremely volatile and sometimes violent). He and I always had a connection (look similar, and similar personality) and when he was in his worst state of alcoholism he took out a fair amount of it on me (certainly more than my other two brothers). My Mum tried to protect the family from it and I was the only person she could talk to about it properly. I did try to get the family to open up about it and confront what was happening. I even tried to get my Mum to leave but she didn't want that.

In the end he was forced into early retirement. That was all 6 years ago and remarkably he managed to clean his act up. The last 6 years he has been whiskey free and had has become more the dad I remembered from childhood. But we never really talked about the dark times.

With his sudden death a lot of my anger has come back. My family don't want to bring up any of the bad stuff and just want to focus on the positive, but I find myself with really mixed feelings. I wanted to mention something at the funeral about him 'dealing with his problems', but Mum has repeatedly asked me not too. Its frustrating as I want to find some way of acknowledging it.

So I'm thinking of going to see him at the funeral parlour on my own to try and talk some of this out but if I'm honest I'm pretty scared about that. My DW thinks it is probably a good idea but has anyone been through something similar? I'm worried if I don't talk to 'him' now I'll miss my chance to deal with some of these feelings. However, I'm worried that seeing him there on my own could be similarly traumatic.

Grateful for any help/thoughts

I'm so sorry for your loss

Maybe write a letter? You could has for it to be put in his casket, writing everything down can be very healing.

I know exactly how you feel about the anger, my mum had a drink problem although she never ever admitted it, she drank herself to death in the end. I had started distancing myself and my kids from her about 5-6 years before she died, I couldn't stand to see the state she was in and her appearance scared my children so I wanted to shield them from that. I spent her entire last week with her at the hospital, I never left, not even to shower, I needed to do that to let her know how much I loved her although she was barely concious. But I was still so so angry, she put drink before her children and grandchildren and I wanted to know why, why so many years wasted? etc, she was only 54 when she passed away. The anger is dissapearing over time, it's hard not to have the answers and explanations but you do start to come to terms with it after a while.

I chose not to see my mum at the chapel of rest, I also didn't see my little sister there when she passed away a year later, I prefered to remember them as they were when alive, healthy and happy. Nothing was said about my mums problems at her funeral, although it was mentioned that she'd had a hard life (she had a tough childhood and an abusive marriage to my dad) but that was it apart from the usual memories and thoughts that people contibute.

could ask for it...

just seen this - away now but will get back shortly - fwiw the casket idea is an excellent one imo. later.

Thanks Rikalaily - that's a really good idea. The whole thing of going to see him before the funeral is really about getting my own head clear (I'm not expecting much of a conversation!). A letter is a really good way to do that.

I would say the viewing thing is very useful as well. I'm not sure if it;s a concern about seeing the body, but seeing my best friend lying in state meant I could talk endlessly to him about all sorts of things. Things I had never got round to saying.

IF you haven't been in this position before, remember that the body left is only a familiar representation of your father, not 'him' at all. He has gone. These rituals such as viewing and funerals are forthe living, not the dead. He will v. probably look v. familiar, but sufficiently different to give you space to talk freely.

I am pretty sure seeing his body will not be as traumatic as you fear it will be. And you will be in a postion to get out a lot of stuff, in private. Stuff you won't ever go anywhere near saying in public. And Ithink that may well deal with many of the frustrations you obv. feel.

hope this helps.

Hello, I'm a newbie on here. So sorry for your loss.

I second the idea of writing a letter, maybe in addition to visiting to "talk" even though he can't listen now it does help. Do you have someone who could go with you, maybe to wait outside if you are not comfortable wth them hearing what you have to say?

I found the letter I wrote to my late father startling, brought things into sharp focus, but writing it helped a great deal.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad, it must be really hard when along side your grief you have this anger you need to deal with.

I think that you totally have to respect your Mum's wishes not to have this mentioned at your Dad's funeral - which I'm sure you will.

I would write a letter, that in itself is catharic - but I would also arrange some private time with your Dad at the funeral home and go and talk to him, tell him everything, say everything you need to and everything you want to - but don't forget the good stuff. Personally I wouldn't leave the letter in the casket as I would want to deal with the 'bad' stuff, but 'send him off' with only good stuff - put something nice in his casket :)

Thinking of you & your family at this really, really hard time x