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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

So, for those of you have have cheated on your gf and dw - can I ask.......

17 replies

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 09/02/2012 10:17

Did you get a 2nd chance? And did you deserve a second chance? Did you change your ways or cheat again, but covered your tracks better?

Did you regret splitting up your marriage / family?

Or in the long run, was it the best thing that could have happened for you?

A week ago I found out my DH of 12 years was cheating. I am only 30 and have a 5 year old and a seven month old. I have never checked up on my dh in the past, and for me this has completely come out of the blue.

We are not together at the moment and I can't decide what to do.

Do I follow my head and run for the hills?

Or do I follow my heart and give him a second chance?

Before this, I thought everything was great. We don't argue, I don't nag. we get on great. But something is obviously missing.

If I get any replies I'll be amazed, and if you want to PM me instead of going public, that's fine. Would just like a male's perspective really.

PLEASE!!!

OP posts:

DeffoADad · 09/02/2012 18:47

Ouch.....I dunno if you've posted this on one of the other boards - maybe asking Mums who've been thro' the same thing?

DeffoADad · 09/02/2012 19:00

....and any bloke who [i]might[/i] have an opinion is gonna be somewhat deterred by the fact that if he does, it's a cert that his nearest and dearest is going to lean over his shoulder and say
'Hang on....where did YOU have this experience of cheating on your gf then.....I'm waiting?'

No win situation for the guys this one....

3point14 · 10/02/2012 08:31

You've got two kids and a couple more decades to go before you are free of them in terms of major responsibility. In the bigger picture, his dalliance is a mere blip and not an insurmountable mountain.

You're angry and rightly so but if you both bow it up like Hiroshima then it wil be impossible to stop the juggernaught which is the advice of (often divorced) friends and family to ditch the guy and run for the hills as you put it.

Say you stay in the same house, perhaps sleep in separate rooms and see where that takes you. No need for drastic action and if it cannot be fixed then waiting a few months is no going to have harmed anything is it ?

It isn't going to be easy to work through it but it will be a damn sight harder to live with what comes afterwards if this could be proven to be some stupid occurrence. You owe it to yourself and more so to your kids to find out.

kerbear · 08/04/2012 18:43

I forgave my ex for his first affair, then his second affair, and after 11 years of being with him decided not to forgive him his 3rd affair. Some men learn by their mistakes and do change, but then there are those who will always be leopards!!!

nocake · 08/04/2012 19:00

What's your relationship been like up to the affair? Is this a blip in an otherwise loving marriage or is this an act of a man who doesn't behave in a loving way the rest of the time. If the latter then I'd say get out. It's not going to get better. If it's a blip then it's worth taking your time and considering what to do. If you are going to stay together then you both need to be committed to it.

Xenia · 08/04/2012 19:48

Does he want a second chance or has he moved in with his lover whom he hopes to marry?

thechairmanmeow · 15/04/2012 16:43

you wont get honest answers i'm afraid, who know who's checking what you do at the PC.
never cheated on my wife ..no really, i havent

UrbanDad · 20/04/2012 14:21

Honestly - if he felt really bad about it and fessed up, he probably won't do it again. If you had to find out about it and he was trying to cover it up, he'll probably do it again.

AgentSmith · 02/05/2012 15:59

I don't cheat on my wife because I love her and want to be with her. You should leave him.

HereIGo · 11/05/2012 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumofjz · 09/06/2012 21:58

firstly, how did you find out? Did he tell you? you find out?....

I was the "adulterer" within my 13yr relationship with a 16month DD - i told my XP we needed a break as i wasn't happy in the relationship, i told him this as i didn't want to hurt him anymore than i already was by confessing to a relationship with another man, but as always, the truth came out.

My XP had suggested that we tried again etc, but i knew that i could no longer walk that path and i no longer was inlove with him, therefore no longer wanted to share a life with him.

What i think you need to think about is his reaction to this (does he want you/your life back) and if so, do you?

ifeelloved · 09/06/2012 22:18

I have a friend who's bf cheated on her. They weren't married and had no dc. In their case it was a blip, he admitted it before she found out, they split up but got back together, are now married with a child.

No one can say what you should do as we can not fully know your circumstances but I do like 3point14 advice. Don't make any drastic decisions straight away.

Original poster

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 13/07/2012 19:41

Thanks for all the advice and experience posted.

To answer some of the questions.... I found out completely accidentally. I wasn't digging around or snooping on him. He didn't fess up as it were.

Before this we've had a strong relationship. Been together 13 years, given no need to doubt a word he said before this. Treated me well and very thoughtfully. I would have out my life on him never doing anything like this.

More fool me obviously.

Dh was begging forgiveness at the time, saying it was a mistake, he's been stupid, was just massaging his ego, it's not you it's me, you've done nothing wrong etc etc the usual bumf you'd expect.

After much thought, discussion, tears, anger etc I decided that he deserved a second and final chance. Partly because I love him, we've grown up together, and I can't bear the thought of him not being a major part in my life. Partly for the children too. I couldn't have ended things and not even tried to make a go of it. I felt I owed it to the boys too somehow.
And although I think it isn't my fault and I won't accept any blame, I do feel that something was obviously wrong in his eyes in our relationship. And as we've been together for so long with two young children I think you end up taking each other or granted, and get a bit selfish.
So we're working on it. And there has been a few times when I've crumbled and felt I just haven't got it in me o try again, it does get easier over time. I've personally found it really difficult living with self doubt and the feeling of being insecure, I've never had those feelings before and I don't like it.

Plus, a few days after finding out about everything I found out I was pregnant! So we've had that to think about too. Baby is due in four months and we're trying to make time for each other etc.

This is his second and final chance though. And that has been made perfectly clear. And I absolutely mean it.

OP posts:

KickTheGuru · 15/08/2012 18:26

I don't cheat on my wife because I love her and want to be with her.

I kind of agree with that.

Jackin · 20/08/2012 17:32

Wow, good luck boys

RumbleGreen · 20/08/2012 18:25

Your not going to get the answers you are looking for, answering yes to your question is a recipe for disaster.

I don't cheat if I have always checked out of a relationship before that ever happens.

SilkySilky · 21/08/2012 21:47

Agree with 3point14 advice. Don't make any drastic decisions straight away.

Glad you giving it another go. Way to go. Kids deserve a family unit when possible.

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