How do I help/tell a single dad that his house is a tip and putting his baby in danger?

[AKMD]

Straight into it: I have an acquaintance/friend who separated from his wife about a year and a half ago. I have no idea what caused the split as I wasn't around then. We've known eachother for just under a year and see eachother as part of a group of friends once or twice a week. No romance involved BTW!

He has 3 children from his marriage, including a 10mo baby. He shares childcare with his wife, who works, and last week he was stuck for childcare so I babysat his 3 children at his house, which I'd never been to before. He's fairly well off so it's a lovely house in a nice area but I was so shocked by the state of it inside. It was absolutely filthy and an utter tip - carrier bags all over the floor, curtains hanging off the rails, dust and grime and crumbs and all sorts of rubbish ground into the carpets. The kitchen was awful, the bathroom indescribably so. You couldn't even get into the dining room because the floor was so covered in clothes. I have no idea if they were clean or not.

Now, how he chooses to live is up to him and if he were living there by himself I wouldn't be too concerned, but his children spend every other week there too. The thing that really worries me is that his baby is at the stage of putting everything in his mouth, and even with me keeping a close eye on him that afternoon I had to remove four objects from his mouth, including a battery, a screw and a coin. There is so much stuff lying around that it just isn't safe.

I am worried 1) that my friend isn't coping and 2) that that baby is in immediate danger. I cleaned up as much as a could while I was there but the whole house needs a deep-clean. I'd be happy to help out doing that but if he is depressed or having a breakdown that isn't going to help much. If he's fine and that's his normal standard of cleaning then what?

How can I tell him that his house is a tip and putting his child in danger? I don't know him all that well. I'm not sitting in judgement, I just want to help, but how do I go about it in the least offensive manner possible?

there is no nice way of saying really and it sounds like he is not coping with it at all.
I would go over to his house and sit him down(if you can find a seat) and be as kind as possible and tell him your concerns for his welfare and the kids and basically tell him it is an unfit environment for them all to live in.
Offer to arrange a cleaner and say you know it must be very hard to balance it all but you will help him sort out a system to keep on top of it.
It is obviously a risk as you may mortally offend him but tell him you are risking it as he is a good friend and you care about him and his kids.
Does his ex know the state of the house as if not she may report him and then he may absolutely risk his visitations until its sorted out.
If he has had a break down you may need to get him to a dr to get some counselling, there must be some websites for single dads etc and being there to support him will be a huge help.
A good clean out always helps, could you get a team of friends together or would that be too much for him?
bets wishes.

second all of consha, and would say that if he knew you were coming and he did nothing to clean up it could be a fairly clear but passive request for help? If he is depressed or not I think is secondary. He prob. hasn't even thought about babies putting stuff in mouths. He is 'in need' and a word or direction I suspect will be a relief to him.

I know there aren't any easy answers really; I'll have to take the plunge and just say/ask. He comes across as very switched-on, focused and confident, always well groomed etc. so the house completely threw me.

I don't know his wife at all but my DH knows her sisters quite well and says their houses are very messy too, so it could just be that he got used to his wife keeping the house like that and thinks it's normal. The thing that made me really wonder though was that he had guests staying at the same time, because if I were him and I knew that I had guests coming I would tidy up, even if it was usually a tip. It doesn't seem right that he didn't or that he wasn't at all embarrassed, which got me wondering about whether he was coping. Drip-feeding here, sorry.

I want to help him and his children and I worry that by risking offending him I will cut off a source of help from him. Tact is not one of my strong suits

I am a bloke and am aware that men and women often have differing standards - sometimes pretty wide differences! If oyu have a tact-deficit, I would think of a form of words before saying anything, which as you say isn't judgey, but you have a bit of a concern for his welfare and the views that others may take about the tidyness issue. His 'guests' could be having exactly this conversation about him but won't say anything, and from what you say something does need saying.

Believe me, I am no neat freak but this was squalor. Any nice, tactful conversation-openers for me?

squalor - not good. messy - ok.

with no knowledge of detail, I'd start with stuff that is 'assumptive' i.e stuff that assumes that he knows how bad things are. eg - " I can see how the kitchen needs flame-throwing" or whatever or " I know it can't be easy but you will be able to see that ^the bathroom needs dunking in a vat of Dettol", or the like? Things that lead him on a bit. To create change you often have to create an 'anxiety', or a spur to act. Making 'assumptive' statements both creates the 'anxiety' and buys him into the need for action.

that sort of thing?

he will probably resist thro' a bit of pride, so it depends how assertive you wish to be with him. If he says 'bugger off' then it's up to him isn't it?

Then I'll go on AIBU and have everyone tell me to call in SS :o

Ok, that sounds like a good tactic (and the dining room definitely needs flame-throwing). I was thinking along the lines of having a chat about how great his baby is (he is fab) and how he's such a little rascal I kept finding things in his mouth and had to persuade him to open it for me so I could fish them out, then change tack and telling him that I'm concerned for him after this week and am worried that he's not coping, then laying out a list of the other reasons (not sleeping properly, always looks exhausted, sounded frazzled on the phone when he called me). Then see how he takes it and go from there. How does that sound?

Maybe just say I'm not wanting to judge or pry but I think you need some help around the house, you are doing a wonderful job with the kids, but your not superman! Have you considered a cleaner a few hours a week? Bit at where the mum is in all of it, but anyway I think suggest it in a give yourself a break and get some help rather than geeez clean up!

sounds good to me. whatever tack you take he may become embarassed about. If he knows you are genuine though he v. probably will be grateful that someone is taking an interest.
And you are demonstrably being a 'good friend'. Well done you.

Ooo, I've gone all pink. I genuinely do care about him and his children and, other than posting about it on the internet for the whole world to see, I would never discuss his affairs with anyone other than DH. I'm not interested in gossiping about him or laughing at him but I am scared of coming across that way.

Taking the 'give yourself a break' route sounds like a good one.

Thanks guys!

How about turning it around and telling him you are skint and that you are giving your time for Christmas. So he has two hours that he has to cash in or you'll be miffed. Then just tackle the worst for him. Once he sees it getting better it may help, sometimes its the starting thats the hardest.

that is if you could do that for him of course

It's a good idea but I don't know him well enough to do Christmas presents. I think a present would shock him more than being told his house needs Aggie!

tbh I don't think it's your place to say anything. The childrens mother should judge whether his home is up to standard.

If you do want to be a friend, clear away the plastic bags and remind in conversation that baby is at the everything in mouth stage.

If you criticise him, he'll be reluctant to ask for help in future.

Anyway abit of dirt is good for kids.

Why not just tell him? Not very British, but surprisingly effective I find.

My tactics in such a situation would be a) go and see him b) talk about something else and have a laugh and c) tell him your concerns.

I would keep it very friendly, and stick to the facts e.g. there are coins on the floor, child might pick one up, choking hazard.

I wouldn't ask him if he's not coping or anything like that.

IMO if you're his friend it is your place to say something. He can ignore your advice if he chooses, but that is down to him. At least give him the option.

OP = First off let me say you are coming across as a good fiend who cares a great deal.

There is no one right way to do this but some of the suggestions here are pretty good. If he is struggling then just knowing that he has some support and care will go a long way to making a difference. I dont know all the ins and outs but thank you for being a friend to others when they need it.

You really can't say to him you think he isn't coping!

All you need to do is offer toi help him with anything he needs doing - as long as you mean it - maybe something like ironing, non essential that he can say no to but maybe add but if you could help me sort some clothes, tidy the kitchen, etc you might get somewhere.