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Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Could I have a translation of blokespeak from the men please?

22 replies

blondie74 · 18/10/2011 07:30

DH tells you that "he loves you but isn't in love with you" and that he would like things to be back as they were. Is this blokespeak for it's all over but I'm trying to let you down gently?

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GiveMeSomeSpace · 18/10/2011 07:53

Blondie - I'm not sure that it's "bloke speak" as such. The phrase is one of the most common to be mentioned on the Relationship board, both from a woman's and a man's perspective.

I suppose it can mean whatever he wants it to mean. It can be "it's over but I still love you" or it can mean "things have gone a bit stale but I still love you". If he would like things to be back as they were (as you mention), then it would suggest he'd like to fix things.

I'm not sure anyone here will be able to get into your DH's head. I would ask him directly "What do you mean? Are we finished or do you want to sort things out?" The thing to remember is that he's made the statement, so he needs to engage, explain himself and tell you what he means and then botrh of you actively take part in fixing things - if that's what you both want of course.

Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of chasing him. Try and stay as calm as you can, do your bit to engage but make it very clear that he needs to explain what is making him unhappy.

Not sure if you have children and how far down the line you are with your marriage, but it's just so easy for things to go stale. It's always worth making the effort to keep things fresh.

Keep posting if you want more help. Good luck :)

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blondie74 · 18/10/2011 18:48

Thanks for that. We have been together 5 years, have a 3 yr old and have been married 2 years. When you say don't chase him I assume you mean don't hound him for details about how he feels? He does find it difficult to talk about his feelings. I feel torn between wanting to discuss it at some length making him feeling under siege and giving him the space to resolve things in his own mind but leaving him feeling that I'm not interested in fighting to save our marriage.

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MrHeadlessMan · 18/10/2011 18:56

Blondie - Space is right, it's a bit hard to guess. My feeling is that he doesn't know his own feelings (a pretty default feeling for guys in relationships).

I am guessing there is some context here. Can you share what led up to the mysterious words?

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blondie74 · 18/10/2011 21:00

Headless he moved into the spare room some months ago as his sleep was getting disrupted by my having night sweats. As I now have medication that stops the symptoms I asked whether we could get back to sharing a bed as I really missed the intimacy (not just the sex). He said that he didn't want to and when I asked why, that was when he told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me.

He's making much more effort to talk to me about general things and has agreed to a night out together (something that we haven't done for ages). He wants to keep going along as we are, I think in the hope that things will sort themselves out, but I think we need to work out where it went wrong to stand any chance of fixing it. He is adamant that there isn't anyone else involved.

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GiveMeSomeSpace · 18/10/2011 21:55

Blondie No - what I meant was that if he can't or won't communicate with you as to what he means or feels, then you shouldn't pander to him in the hope that he will either open up or suddenly change. He needs to communicate.

It sounds like he's chosen to disengage. Simple question is "Why aren't you in love with me and what does that mean?"

Are you happy to spend your life with someone who is not in love with you? I wouldn't be. IMO, intimacy is massively important in a relationship. He is choosing to cut off that intimacy for what ever reason. There is clearly much more to this. He just isn't telling you and in reality you can't force it out of him. I'd calmly throw it back to him.

Let us know how you get on. :)

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MrHeadlessMan · 18/10/2011 21:56

Hmmmmm. Good news on going out for a night together, that is a good step! Make sure it is somewhere quiet where you can really talk.

Still, I feel like we're still missing some pieces of the puzzle here. I'm going to agree with GMSS that you need to ask him what he is feeling, and why he is keeping a distance. His answer is a bit of a cop-out, since those warm fuzzy early-relationship feelings fade for pretty much every couple. Plus he may not be used to discussing his feelings, but that is part of being an adult and being in a relationship. So don't take that as an answer! :)

There's a few questions that come to mind:

Before he moved into the spare room, did you feel close and connected?
Is there anything going on that might be stressing him individually or both of you as a couple?
What about your feelings? Have they stayed the same for him?
Has he changed in his tone / actions towards your child during this time?

There's a whole range of possibility from him having a temporary mood, to depression, to even more serious possibilities. It's also important that you let him know how you're feeling, and that you want to know where things stand. If you do this in a non-confrontational way I don't think he should really object, after he said the infamous words.

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MrHeadlessMan · 18/10/2011 21:58

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GiveMeSomeSpace · 19/10/2011 06:47

Headless I don't think my name should be on the sign - I haven't got the experience and feel very underqualified. Sorry.....

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Tyr · 19/10/2011 14:16

Sorry to be blunt OP but that phrase usually means someone doesn't want a physical relationship anymore.
Whether it comes from a man or a woman.

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blondie74 · 19/10/2011 19:05

headless in answer to your questions:

Beforehand (and to an extent afterwards) I did feel connected and close, we were working to build a new life as we had only moved to the area a year or so before. I initially felt he was being supportive of the medical issues I was having, reassuring me that it was all short-term and that it didn't impact on how he felt about me and being jokey about the future. Nothing that would give me any cause for concern.
*he had had a short spell of unemployment and was feeling unsettled about not knowing the area very well. He has been on ADs for a couple of years due to stress he was experiencing at work.
*I still very much love him. There have been niggles as there are in any relationship but nothing that would change how I felt.
*He is still affectionate towards DC (in marked contrast to me - making a big fuss of DC before going to work and then just saying "see you later" to me). He gets irritated quite quickly but would never harm DC.

I will do as you guys suggest and push him for some answers.

Thanks - your advice is really helping

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MrHeadlessMan · 20/10/2011 20:05

Hi Blondie! Hope you're still around after the long delay.

It sounds like your family has been through some change recently. The move, DH's stress at work and his medication. Is it possible that his pills are having psychological side effects? You may want to check with the doctor.

Moving is very stressful, especially if you feel like you don't settle in straight away. Did you move away from close family and frlends? Do you have anyone to support you in your new area?

Please talk to him and tell us how it goes. Also let us know how your evening together went. Fingers crossed for you.

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blondie74 · 21/10/2011 09:46

We had a chat and he says he doesn't understand why. He says he is going to see the GP about his medication. We are trying to arrange a sitter for our night out which we'll do after payday. Neither of us has much support here - we are a long way from friends and family and I have found it difficult to settle although we came here with my job. He has made friends with more people including a couple who are in the process of splitting up (amicably).

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blondie74 · 02/11/2011 06:03

Things were improving considerably but got rather dented yesterday by a series of anonymous texts (including repeated use of the immortal line "I didn't want to hurt you") from the OW, clearly hurt by being dumped. He keeps saying sorry, he'd been a total twat and that he couldn't continue to hurt me by seeing her.

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MrHeadlessMan · 02/11/2011 11:11

What? Wait, there is an OW? What happened?

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blondie74 · 02/11/2011 19:18

I got a series of anonymous text messages from the OW telling me all about their now defunct affair which lasted 6 months. She had known all the time about me and my DC but it clearly didn't trouble her although she claimed that she'd never wanted to hurt me (WTF are her thought processes like). She said she'd fallen for him but he'd just been using her for sex. The old, old story.

I forwarded the messages to DH who confessed and said that he couldn't bear to hurt me any more so ended it. I sent two replies to her, the first asking who she was and the second "which one are you?" . The implication that she was just one of many promptly stopped the messages.

At my insistence DH has booked a GP appointment to sort his meds out as he is all over the place, but the first available one is in a fortnight unless he rings on either of the next two Mondays for a emergency appt.

I've been remarkably calm and collected, but I've huge pressures on at work and DC hasn't been well so I have to keep it all together.

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GiveMeSomeSpace · 03/11/2011 21:56

OP - I'm so sorry to hear about the OW. What ever you do, don't let your 'D'H persuade you that any of this is your fault. He made the choices. He clearly needs to sort out his issues and needs counselling. You need to decide what you want to do about all this and if you are prepared to continue the relationship.
I hope you can get it all sorted.

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MrFawkesMan · 04/11/2011 11:25

Blondie this is terrible. I am really sorry and it must be so difficult for you.

You husband needs to get himself checked for STDs right now. He is putting himself and yourself at risk. There can be no discussion about this.

Second, I suggest that you need some time to figure out your feelings and what you want to do next. Is it possible for DH to take the kids while you go away for a day or two? Failing that, are there grandparents who can take them for a bit? I know you are trying to be strong for them but right now you need some space for yourself.

Third, is your DH really sorry? Truly? Because I don't get that impression from your posts. He should be aware that he has done a really, truly terrible thing that will require a huge effort on his part to fix, if it can be fixed at all.

I am sorry that I cannot post that often. My wife is recovering from surgery so I am caring for her as well as taking care of the house & kids. I will keep responding but if you want more frequent & detailed advice you may want to post on the relationships board.

Best of luck, I am thinking of you.

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blondie74 · 05/11/2011 11:34

MrFawkesMan - I hope your wife is recovering well and I'm very grateful that you have taken the time to post when you have so much on your own plate. You and GMSS are so supportive to a stranger.

I have insisted that DH goes to the GUM clinic and gives me proof that he hasn't put me at risk. He has also made an appointment with the GP about his meds. He says that he has been hearing voices in his head, has felt suicidal and is getting worried about the diagnosis will be. He keeps saying that he has been a twt, that he's had his head up his rse for months and that I don't need him. He has repeatedly told me that he is so sorry and that he will do anything to save our marriage. He is trying to come up with things we can do as a couple and as a family.

I just feel numb. All the lies have made me wonder if he has ever really loved me and make it hard to accept what he is telling me now. I would love to get away but financially it's a non-starter and I don't want to go away to parents or friends as I need to get it sorted in my own head before having to explain the need to go away to anyone.

DC has been through a lot of non-related trauma this year and if I told DH to leave that would cause so much distress that I can't contemplate that. I would want to get back the relationship we had when we were newly married and DC was small but I'm not sure whether that was just an illusion and it wasn't the happy time I thought it was. I'm doubting everything. I see the pictures of our wedding where DH looks nervous during the ceremony and think that he must have been having second thoughts whereas before I'd always believed that he was worrying about fluffing his lines and the speeches (he's not a public speaker by any means).

I'm going out Monday night with a colleague, I've known her a long time but I don't want this slipping out at work so it won't be discussed and I may take up the offer of other colleagues to join their regular Tuesday night out. If nothing else it gets me out of the house.

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blondie74 · 05/11/2011 11:43

I did have a rant about the OW as I find it beyond contempt that knowing all about me and DC (and spending a lot of time with us and her family) she chose to get involved with DH with the intent of breaking both families up. Even if she thought that was what DH wanted it takes two to tango. DH was insistent that he was ultimately to blame for everything rather than her, which I guess is vaguely positive.

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MrFawkesMan · 05/11/2011 13:26

Hi Blondie thanks for posting again. I will try to respond properly later, but just wanted to ask: given that tomorrow is Sunday, why doesn't DH take the kids while you get a day for yourself? Given all that has happened it is the least he can do.

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blondie74 · 08/11/2011 00:48

Had a bit of thinking time (mainly through not sleeping though so thought processes may be muddled). I think it comes down to 3 options:

Chuck him out and get divorced. This would devastate DC and I would have to face the humiliation of everyone knowing what a fool I'd been. Not sure either about how I would cope with access visits as DH not the most organised person when it comes to meals and looking after DC generally.

2. End our relationship but remain living under same roof but in separate bedrooms. Effectively we have been doing this all year without coming to blows. Maintains stable environment for DC. Agree rules about DH seeing other women (i.e. not introducing them to DC, not having them in the house, not embarrassing me and keeping me fully up to date with situation)
3. Try and rebuild marriage. I was so happy 2 weeks ago when I thought things were getting back on track and then came the OWs texts. Now I don't trust anything he tells me and I just feel numb. I don't want him right now but I don't know whether that is just due to finding out about his infidelity or whether it is a permanent thing.

I don't want to make a snap decision and later regret it. Equally I'm scared that I might try to let him back in to my life and be humiliated again at a later point although he swears it would never happen again (and the voice in my head reminds me that he swore there wasn't an OW). I'm just so confused. DH has been insistent that he wants to save our marriage but....

What a mess.

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KatharineClifton · 08/11/2011 01:04

I think that if you can do it, you have to wait until your husband's mental health issues/needs are assessed and if medication is needed, wait another six weeks at least until they kick in properly. In the meantime, or after you both need to get counselling from Relate or some other counselling service.

The counselling can help you re-build a marriage, or it can help you separate if that feels like the way to go after mental health is in the right place, and you have tried what you can.

Your husband has been an utter cock, you know this and perhaps he does as well. Only time will tell. If you can still bear to be in the same house as him, and managing not to bicker and affect your DC's wellbeing, then perhaps you and he have the time to work on things.

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