Male point of view on sex problem needed please.

[DestinationDesperationStation]

Please give your point of view. I've been with my DH 6 years, and all that time we've had the problem that he loses his errection half way through penetrative sex. I've been very, very understanding but he once told me it's only ever happened with me so I can't help taking it personally. It's fair to say its actually destroying me. It's fine if we do other things, BJ's etc, and I really don't mind not always having penetrative sex, but it feels as though it's me that's the problem, that I'm not what he wants/fancies and it's breaking my heart. He has a lower sex drive than me and I work round that too, I just need someone to tell me if this could be my fault. Thanks for reading.

DDS this is clearly NOT your "fault". I think it's grossly unfair for him to say it's only ever happened with you. Even if that is the case, it's a grossly insensitive thing to say. It's a horrible thing to have to deal with and I guess the more insensitive man may well come out with this sort of line in an effort to protect his pride - but that can never be an excuse for saying such a thing.

I can understand how you take it personally, that's natural, but please try not to. Believe it or not, not all men prefer penetrative sex, but still, if he can't maintain an erection, then he needs to address the reasons why. His lower sex drive also suggests there are other factors to be considered.

Do you talk to him about this and does he engage with you in those conversations? Does he avoid such conversations or dismiss your feelings and concerns? If you aren't communicating with each other about this, then the lack of communication needs to be addressed before you can start addressing the underlying problems. The good news is that this is a very common experience so don't feel alone about it. There are a lot of threads on MN (mostly in Relationships) where guys have chipped in to reassure that it's more common than people think.

Happy to help so keep posting if you feel like it. If you'd like more responses, you might want to post in Relationships, highlighting that you want male input. There are plenty of guys, me included, that post there. The foot fall here in Dadsnet is fairly limited.

Thank you so much for taking time out to answer me GiveMe. Just to have someone not involved in the situation give their point of view is such a help, it really is. We seem to get so tangled up in trying to sort it out that we lose sight of things. We have talked about it, in the past he has said that he is tired, or stressed, or that the pressure of trying not to lose it leads to exactly that. I am very sympathetic and never push, or complain etc, I understand how awful it must be for him. He says surely the important thing is that he loves me, and that sex is just a tiny part of that, which is of course right, but to me it is a very important part. He tells me that he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me, and I feel the same about him, which is why it is so frustrating that I feel like I don't basically turn him on. Knowing that some men don't prefer penetrative sex helps, as I was starting to think that he preferred say a BJ as he didn't have to be as intimate with me if you see what I mean, that I could be anyone. My last relationship was very sexual and I don't think that is helping my thinking, although I know what I had before, sex almost every day, isn't necessarily "normal" either. I'm a little scared of the relationships section lol, so many womens answer to most things on there is "all men are bastards, he'll be having an affair, dump him!" which is the last thing I want to do! I will run a search for similar threads though, thanks.

I know what you mean about the the "Relationships" board - it can be very much like that. But most people will be helpful there - you just have to filter out some of the noise. Some of that noise can be very disheartening though and plenty of people don't post there for that reason.

Your DH is right that the physical side is only a part of your relationship, but, you've made it clear the it's a very important part for you. I'm sure you wouldn't discount his needs from a relationship so he shouldn't discount yours. If it's an equal relationship, then there will be some give and take on both sides. If he loves you as much as he says he does (which I'm sure he does) then he should show some commitment to the relationship by addressing the problem. He should not push it to one side. Good luck :)

I really wouldn't discount my DH's needs GiveMe right from the beginning I have tried to put them first because I know how damaging it could be to the whole situation to be negative or pushy, I'm just scared I suppose of the reasons behind his problem... I think maybe we need to talk again and broach the reasons, however scary. Thank you for listening :)

Does he drink a lot of alcohol?

No, TLD2 he's not a big drinker.

How old is he, does he have an underlying medical conditions and has he seen his GP about it?

He's 43, is otherwise fit and healthy, and no, he hasn't seen his GP Bela

Sometimes problems with maintaining an erection can be linked to illnesses - things which effect the circulation of blood for example. So if you can persuade him to get checked out it might be worthwhile. It could be sometime that's happened in the last 6 years.
Otherwise not sure what to suggest, if he's ok when its not penetrative then may be its then the length of time in maintaining the erection.
hope you can work this out together

I will try and persuade him to see his GP, thank you Bela. I didn't think of the fact it could be something health wise that has developed during our time together, just panicked I was getting things wrong. And time may be an issue too, it's certainly something to think about. I really do hope we can work this out too, in every other way we're so good, I feel a bit selfish being hung up on this Thank you for for your help.

It could be your fault.

eeore, here have a

fridakahlo read the OP and get a life.

It's NOT your fault - or anyone's fault.
Watch out - some frank language coming....
Don't put him or his needs first - or you or yours. Sex is a double act.
No one is good or bad at sex - couples are either good or bad at it together.
But Good sex does require honesty.

You need to discover what floats his boat - and this might not be easy.
He may not even know himself. (yet)

Here's a pretty personal story...
I was horrified when I discovered that a blow job DESTROYED my erection !
I was in my early 20s and considered myself a normal, healthy, red blooded male. I was in the middle of a fling with a flighty young thing who went down and went to town and heh presto - goodbye hard on. She was surprised to say the least and so was I. Things went on then and there and we ended up having good sex (with no more BJs) but I discovered that that a BJ just didn''t do it for me. It wasn't her - it happened again and again with a string of different women. It became fixed in my head as a truism.

Time passes...

I went on through my twenties with a few girlfriends and a few one night stands always saying "heh - don't bother - it doesn't do it for me" knowing that a BJ would kill off my hard on. And then....

I met a girl who said "what utter nonsence... I LOVE a hard cock in my mouth and I will simply find a way to make you love it too".
It took a few days (only) and I'm not going to tell you exactly what went on but she found a way (mostly with lipstick and polaroids) to make me extremely horny about having a BJ.

The same is almost certainly true with you, your husband, and penatrvie sex. It's all a question of which buttons to press. Does being "naughty" make him horny? Is it 'control' that turns him on ? Does he need to take you roughly from behind or is it all about you moaning and screaming ? Maybe he needs you to say "Yes yes" or "no no no". Most male fantasies are common knowledge - try playing them out. But if you have a decent relationship then talk is the first step - just ask him what his naughtiest fantasy is - and (if legal) try it. Could be handcuffs - could be BEING handcuffed.
You might find that he simply LOVES to fuck you with a far out and fabulous vibrator (good for you, good for him). It might be sex in the window so the neighbours might see - it might be dressing up, sex with your clothes on, date night and a cheap hotel - whatever it is, go with it - you live once.

Most men will NEVER confess their real fantasies to their wives and most will never go to prostitutes to play them out - so they end up with half a hard on. Frustrated with "normal" sex and knowing that their wives are less than satisifed or excited. It's the worst case scenario and it's going on behind millions of suburban front doors all over the contry. Women are equally guilty - they keep their "real" sexual desires a secret from their men and spend tens of years neither satisfied or excited.

I reckon the doctor is NOT the answer - I reckon the answer starts with frank and honest (probably fairly drunk) conversation and maybe some experimental moments which might go wrong (be ready to laugh and cuddle) and might go great (be ready to be a dominatrix / nun / cheerleader / covered in jelly). Play games, have fun, discover a whole new chapter in your sexual life together.

And try not to get arrested : )

MiniMonty Thank you SO much for your very open and honest answer and advice :) Over the last few months we have talked at lot, and it turns out fear and a bad experience are causing him a lot of problems - the fear of losing his erection is making him lose his erection... I've never been in a relationship where sex wasn't full on so immediately thought I wasn't turning him on, this was compounded by he fact we didn't meet in an eyes across the room kind of way, we "knew" each other via work phonecalls and emails etc first and he fallen for each other before we'd actually seen each other, so I have always thought that he didn't find me physically attractive....
But actually your post is spot on. There are things he would like and hasn't had which we are working on :) there are things that we both should of mentioned years ago as we both wanted them and didn't like to say. I was putting too much on sex=love forgetting that you can separate the two without there being anything wrong with your relationship, and by that I mean just because it's a rough, hard fuck doesn't mean its any less of an act than sensual love making. We were both putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves and forgetting just to relax and enjoy each other.
Your post has reassured me that we are doing the right thing, to keep trying and to buy some jelly :) Thanks again.

I like MiniMonty's answer. I've got a similar but a slightly different angle. How about simply accepting the situation? Not in a resigned way, but in a playful and creative way?

So, he always loses it half-way through. Agree that that's fine, you'll just enjoy the first half and then pop him out while he's still hard and finish yourselves (each other, I hope) off otherwise. Do it a couple of times, so he knows it's real.

I'm guessing (on the basis of no expertise whatsoever, and I suspect less experience than most) that after a bit of this he'll start to take a more positive attitude. He may want to stay in longer. You could continue the reverse psychology by "attempting" to stick to the plan. Maybe a little adrenaline at this point would help - can you wrestle at all?

Sorry if this sounds ridiculous or nonsensical. Don't give up - you clearly think he's worth fighting this problem for, and he is sticking with it despite the fact that it exposes him to potential humiliation. I really wish you all the best.

Thank you Dadsmightfly for your good advice :) I think we might be getting there. Learning from you lovely people on here sharing sometimes very personal experience has given me a new insight and I've learned that there is so much more to it. And that's made me brave enough to talk to my DH properly about things without the fear of finding out he doesn't fancy me and has taken a pressure off. Your advice is spot on, building up his confidence so to speak has lead to a positive attitude, and I had lost sight of just accepting and enjoying. But with a new understanding things are getting much better. Thank you for taking time to talk and your good wishes, and for the wrestling suggestion, I'm adding an outfit to the jelly shopping list :) seriously though, you guys have genuinely helped, thank you x