Would you let your wife sleepover at another mans house?

[CabbagePatchDoll]

Been with my partnet 16 years and we have 3 kids.

We had a tough time of it a coupole of years ago when she was in a rut and going through a midlife crisis which nearly ended our relationship but we decided to try and fix things and make a go of it and on the whole things have been much better.

However a few weeks ago she went out with some work friends and ended up crashing out at one of their houses. At the time I had offered to pick her up / pay for a cab but she said not to bother.

It was her, one other girl and 2 guys in the one house.

She is in her early 40's but the other are all late teens / early twenties.

I wasn't happy with what happened but want to trust her and help our relationship so said nothing.

She has had a very quiet life up to a few years ago and feels she has missed out and is torying to make up for it by spending more time out with her friends but because of where she works most are half her age.

One of the things I agreed to help with our relationship was to give her some me time where I take the kids away for a weekend (only done it 3 or 4 times in the last couple of years) and she can just relax in the house by herself.

Have come back today after one of the weekends and found out she had the same people over at our house that she stayed at last time but one of the guys stayed the night one the sofae. They were all drinking as they were last time.

She has also now mentioned the same guy is having a brthday party at the end of the month at his house and she will be going there but hasn't said anything about staying over.

Now I know how I have typed this out suggests something dodgy but I truely believe nothing has gone on.

I am just worried about what could hapen if someone losr control and also of course I have on my mind the past which I am supposed to be forgetting.

2 years ago threre was no unfaithfullness but the thoight was there but never carried through.

I just don't know how to tell her that I don't want her sleeping over without her turning it round and accusing me of not trusting her or worse.

I guess everything aside would anyone without the history I have just typed out be comfortable with their partner spending the night somewhere else?

'Let'?

Oh dear, I widh you hadn't set "let". You won't get any sensible answers.

IMO you are entirely within your rights to be uncomfortable with it and to expect her to discuss and respect your discomfort, especially if she's told you they came close in the past, but it's not about you letting her.

"Letting her" doesn't come into it - you have no choice; she's her own person. And if she wanted to be unfaithful, she'd be unfaithful, whether you "let" her or not. It's not up to you what she does or doesn't do - you're both adults.

That said, I think if this was reversed and it were my DH I would be a bit wibbly about it all. If DH had some mates round and a random woman who I didn't know slept at the house with me somewhere else, then yes, I think I'd be feeling like you do, especially with your history. You have reasons why your trust isn't 100%, and she's not doing much to help you feel secure.

But don't talk to us, talk to her. It doesn't have to be about making accusations - it's reasonable to say you're feeling a bit wobbly and need some reassurance. Everyone does sometimes.

Okay, bad choiuce of words and I have used them before in our relationship and never meant it that way.

I should have said something along the lines if you were comfortable, happy or something like that instead of let.

Just to set the record straight I do not tell her to do anything in our relationship, she makes her own choices but if tyhere is something one of us is uncomfortable about then we should talk about it but with our past obviously it';s a lot harder.

Oh and to clarify about the past, this guy is not the one from the past, this is one of her new work friends.

I honestly don't believe there is anything going on, I am just very aware of the past which makes it all the harder.

I will try and discuss it with her but will obviously need to choose my moment and words very carefully ;-)

I dont think youre being unreasonable (and Im a laydee) I wouldnt be at all keep at my dp doing it the other way around either. I dont really know why as I do trust him. I think Id find it a bit flattering if my dp said he had a bad feeling about me staying over - I do think you should choose your words carefully though. Good luck

Honestly, I think you're right to find it all a bit dodgy, and reading between the lines, I think she's probably already done something. It doesn't sound good. You need to talk to her and if you're still not happy, start planning for separation.

I dont think she necessarily has done anything...yet...but I think the situation, for her, is more to do with keeping up/fitting in with her younger colleagues. And like you said, she's had a taste of 'excitement'; she needs to get it out of her system and then realise that the grass is greener where she already is! Unfortunately, she can only do this in her own way, nothing you do will change that.
But, yes, I do think the situation is unfair on you. I would go ballistic if I were in your position.

blimey, indie.

i went to a folk festival with a male friend of mine and we shared a room (in the same house that lots of other friends were staying in).

to make it funnier, on the day we left, we pushed the beds together so that it looked like we'd shared.

i know, childish.

i'm 40 and happily married with 3 kids, op. chances are if she's telling you about it, she ain't having an affair.

maybe ask if you can go with her next time and get to know her mates? you'll probably find out you were just a bit jealous and suspicious, and over-reacting.

but yes, 'let'? rilly?

it sounds like she's just having some fun, do you know what the relationships/atmosphere is like among the group? are there relationships? flirting? or are they all just mates.

i think if there was flirting and other pairs copping off then i would be uncomfortable but if they are all platonic mates then i'd be ok with it - DH and i have lots of mixed sex friend groups, i particularly have a lot of male friends and wouldn't think twice about having one sleep on the sofa.

My dh went on a boozy work night out in London and was supposed to be crashing on a male colleagues sofa. It turned out that he stayed in the spare room of a female colleague who I don't know, had never heard mention of. I trust my dh, I did raise a metaphorical eyebrow, but I knew he was telling the truth that he was drunk, it was convenient and he barely knew her either. If everything was fine in your relationship it wouldn't be a big deal, so it sounds like you still have some way to go.

It does sound a little one sided, do you get to say what you want too?

It doesn't sound like you entirely trust her. Whatever happened (or didn't) in the past you need to put it behind you or it will have a negative effect on your relationship.

CabbagePatchDoll - One thing you didn't mention, is it feasible for her to get a taxi back instead of sleeping over? If it's ten minutes away and she wants to still stay over I think I'd be more inclined to be suspicious.

That said, it doesn't sound to me like she has cheated on you, but you definitely need to tell her that you feel uncomfortable.

I think the OP means 'let' as in not make a big fuss about it.

I wouldn't have a problem with it, and nor would DH. But there is a lot of trust in our relationship. I think without that, it becomes less easy to answer. Maybe just keep an eye on the situation and see if anything changes. Perhaps if she's talking about this guy, she's making an effort to keep it out in the open.

i dont know you or anything about your relationship but if my dp said he didnt want me sleeping at another mans house then i would respect that decision. and your a man, you should know from your own experiences how other men of thier age go on especially when drinks are flowing. your partner could might be the most faithful person in the world but at the end of the day she has a partner and 3 kids to go home to, maybe she is pushing the boundaries to see if you care, maybe she wants you to say 'no love, come home with me and have a nice night- lets work on our relationship'.
i'm no relationship expert but i think she might be doing this in the hope that you stop her

I have single female friends who I stay with in other countries for however many days I'm there. DW trusts me so she's not bothered.

I trust her, so I would similarly 'let' her stay at another man's house. The situation hasn't arisen yet, but I do look after the kids if she wants to spend an afternoon with one of her male friends.

Me sharing the costs of a hotel room on a trip with a female friend took a bit of talking through early on in our marriage, but once we had those conversations, DW and I can pretty much take for granted that we trust each other.

And the fact that she has granted me this trust, which I'm aware is pretty unusual for most married couples, makes me much more resolved never to break that trust.

It sounds like she is having a midlife crisis.

My DH goes to stay with single female friends(one of whom is an ex girlfriend from twenty plus years ago), I'm fine with it although I know a lot of people find it strange. I trust him and to be honest if he wanted to be unfaithful he would be regardless. He is happy for me to go out with single male friends although I don't normally stay over, too old and prefer my own bed!

My best friend is female, we also work in the same industry (both self employed) and two or three times a year we go away to conferences together. We usually stay in the same hotel (different rooms). My wife is ok with it, but we've been together a long time to earn that trust - like Belfastbloke I know the value of that trust and wouldn't break it. It's all done in the context of a long term friendship (we've had numerous chances to end up in bed, and it's never happened - not going to either). Your situation is slightly different, and I'm not sure the two can be compared.

Bottom line is you either trust her or you don't. If she's up to something then you objecting isn't going to help, she'll just go underground, and if there's nothing going on then you'll hurt her if you challenge her. I'd let it play out for now, if it gets more regular then you might have to think again.