How can I help him?

[TettyLouBar]

Hi,

Need a mans perspective.

We have 2 DC's, 2y8mo and 6wks. Having a rough time getting DC1 to settle after new arrival. She is a typical 2yo and is trying her best to push our buttons. DH is in a job that is currently under threat for redundancy. We live 200 miles from home town due to work commitments. (I dont mind this, but he is very close to his family and it has always been his dream to move home to be near his family). Work is for him, increasingly more stressful, he's doing the work of 2 supervisors at the moment and is also expected to do some work overseas very soon. DC2 is a dream baby and is thankfully being so good.

DH has not been himself recently and after much coaxing and encouragement, I got him to open up this morning and he admitted that he doesn't feel he's "coping" with everything at the moment and feels low.
His father has suffered from depression and so has his mother. I think he is concerned that this is what it is. But doesn't know how to deal with it.
He mentioned that he'd googled depression and has some of the symptoms e.g. loss of appetite, low mood, feeling uninterested in things. But he won't go to a dr. I have suggested that he talk to a friend but he doesn't want to.

I just don't know how to go about helping him. I have a habit of pushing my ideas to much sometimes and I'm weary of doing this and making him back away completely and not talk about his feelings. (It took me AGES to get him to open up about this)

What should I do now?

To be fair Tetty, it sounds like you've done a good job so far in getting him to talk. Don't underestimate how important this first opening up has been.
Sounds like you are well aware of not pushing it too much so don't need worry too much about that.

I'd say just give him a whole heep of extra love and affection (hugs etc). One can feel so alone when pressures get too much and you can think the world is against you - even you're loving wife! If he knows how much you are fighting on his side it will instantly take pressure off.

Keep teasing it out of him and make sure he knows you're on his side.

You're doing a great job. A lot of us have been in that dark place and we couldn't deal with it without partners like you :)

Would a diagnosis of depression affect his work? - if so then he is wise to steer clear of the doctor, not least because the treatment is next to useless.

Some depression is linked to the season, so his mood might lift with more sunlight. And if the work situation changes that might also help his mood - perhaps he should speak to his boss.

It may also be that he feels pushed out of the family due to the new baby. There is no point trying to discuss this with him however because a) you might not like his replies, and b) it is likely to push guilt buttons that will make him feel more excluded - just consider it, and perhaps make allowance for it in your/and his behaviour.

On a pratical level probably the best thing to do - that won't seem like nagging - is to encourage him to pursue a hobby.