How to be a good Husband or Partner

[Truckulente]

In response to the general merriment on the 'How to be a good wife' thread.

Tips for new victims husbands and male partners.

Going on the advice I've seen on MN.

1. Do as you're told. Why? Just do it.

1. Accept that you'll be in the wrong regularly sometimes.

1. Don't ever say being a sahm isn't work.

1. Apparently the more housework you do the more you'll have sex.

1. Learn to mind read with regard to presents, anniversaries etc.

And no, household appliances or power tools are never a good present, sex will stop, and you'll become a figure of ridicule amongst your wife's friends.

1. You're allowed to believe you're equal, but really

you're not, just deal with it.

1. Learn to grow a pair, and suck it up but be prepared

in case you don't as you may get 'torn a new one'.

1. Don't go on about how your mother did things, although you think she's great, apparently not everyone

does.

1. Although men know that brownie points exist and

that you do have to ask permission to go out, don't ever mention it. It's an unspoken law.

Any more?

Never, ever, describe any task as "Womens Work"

Do not, under any circumstances, during an argument, ask if it's 'that time of the month'.

Relinquish all rights and opinions about the resting state of the loo seat and lid. It is not your decision to make.

Learn this phrase "I'm sorry". Hope your wife has also done so.

Taking the bin out is Man's Work.

Don't fuck anyone else.

If you ask your wife if she is OK and she replies "Fine" (with catsbum mouth), she is not "Fine" and it is almost certainly YOUR FAULT.

Give these answers without hesitation or deviation.

Have I put on weight? No

Is she pretty? No

Do you love me? Yes

Don't mention previous exes in a good way but don't slag them off.

Admire her driving. To do the opposite means no sex whatsoever. Ever.

Take the initiative: "Have you lost some weight? You look really fine."

Share your chocolate. Share your chocolate. Shear your chocolate. Share your chocolate. And then share some more of your chocolate. >

Be aware of that time of the month though NEVER EVER mention it. As it arrives just get some chocolate in.

and the tap end is definitely yours to enjoy.

Schoolboy error Pan

'have you lost some weight?'

Could end up with.

'Did I need to, are you saying I was fat?'

This will be brought up word for word years later.

Pan never say you look fine, fine isnt a compliment its too blaah.
If you must look at porn on the computer please clear the internet history properly.

See, Pan, your point about the tap end really worried me because I read it straight on from your comments about needing essential supplies (ie chocolate) at certain times of the month - I briefly wondered if 'enjoying the tap end' was some dodgy male-speak for alternative sexual activities - then I realised that presumably you're talking about sharing a bath!

Sorry!

[slinks back under stone emoticon]

... And I do realise that in this context my MN name is perhaps unfortunate!

The tap end!

Can be avoided with strategic, long-term manipulation.

Have a plan

FFS.

and it was really fine, actually....

Learn how to hang a towel up according to your DP's expressed preference. And do it.

She will never get drawn into "All men are crap..." conversations with other women because she will fall at the first 'can't hang a towel for love nor money' hurdle.

She will always believe that you are special and she is lucky, while all her girl-friends are lumbered with useless boy-men.

'have you lost some weight?'

Could end up with.

'Did I need to, are you saying I was fat?'

This will be brought up word for word years later.

DP thinks I wrote this

It's pretty simple really

Don't put up with any of her/his bullshit, and don't expect her/him to put up with your bullshit... while both of you put up with each others bullshit.