single dad would like advice on how to avoid going back to court

[spinoza]

Dear all

I hope this is the right place for me to post this - I'm new to this. I would really appreciate some advice from mum's, dad's, grandparents.

My ex partner (ep) and me separated several years ago and I was given access to my son who's now 3 years old every month for an hour. After 5 months of this and as she would not agree to go to meditation - I rightly or wrongly decided to go to court, thinking that it would be resolved in a few months. After a year and a half I was still in the court and the courts were slowly increasing the amount of contact me and my son had together (the case was progressing slowly due to the young age of my son).

As I didn't think the courts were the best place to try and resolve this I agreed with my ep that I would drop my application and we would try and resolve things through a relationship councillor (Relate), however, after I redrew my court application, relate refused to take the case on saying it was outside of what they normally take on.

For the last year I see my son every 2 to 3 weeks for an hour and a half in a play cafe in the presence of my ex partners mum. My son seems to really enjoy being with me and I wish we could see more of each other. But there seems to be no chance of changing the situation.

I should add that we are not going through the CSA and I have always paid more than is required by the CSA.

My concern is that my mum and dad have not been allowed to see him for 2 years (ep blame them for not stopping me going to court), but my dad has recently had a stroke and is unlikely to live much longer and I really want him and my mum to see their grand child before they die.

Unfortunately all the communication is with my ep's mum which seems to only compound the situation. My question is for any advice/experience on how to resolve this without going back to court? I've tried persuading her to come to mediation but she refuses as she distrusts solicitors.

Apologies for the length of this post. Any thoughts or other organisations to contact whatsoever would be appreciated?:)

thanks

Personally I'd post for advice on this at www.wikivorce.com

Families need fathers are excellent!

You will prob need to return to court, but consider self rep if cost is an issue.

Why on earth is your contact still supervised?

What are the reasons given for this by your ex?

If you have not been violent/drug user this is utterly unacceptable - at his age, you should be having weekends, holidays etc. Or if not overnights CERTAINLY long periods of unsupervised contact just you and him.

This seems a very odd situation.

Sadly, if she refuses mediation your only option is court. Will she talk with any family or friends?

If you have not done anything to make her distrust you or reasonably believe you won't keep your son safe, this situation is an abuse of both of your rights to a healthy relationship with each other.

If you have been unable to reach a satisfactory arrangement through mediation, then the Court route is probably your only option. This process is lengthy and you have to be patient but it does provide you with some comeback should your ep not stick to the arrangements.

As another poster said, there is no way that you should be having ongoing supervised contact unless there are valid child protection concerns - e.g violence, substance misuse etc...

I vaguely work in this arena and it is so sad that the best interests of the child get over looked because parents are too busy fighting with eachother and trying to hurt eachother, using the child

I will echo ILT - join FNF and self represent to gain more access to your son.

I know other posters on here who have a lot more knowledge and experience- I have brought it to their attention.-hopefully they can give you more detailed advice.

Your son has a right to have a relationship with his father.

Thanks you for the replies. I will seek advice as recommended

There are no issues of substance miuse or violence and I'm sure the courts would increase contact. However, my fears in going to court are:
i) last time i went to court I did not see my son for 5 months as it took that long for my Ex partners legal aid to come through.
ii) the social services were concerned that even if an order was put in place that she would do all she can to jeopodise the order and probably wo't adhere to it(i.e. if my son falls over then my EP will always think the worse)
iii)I was representing myself and my ep had a barrister and solicitor on her side which made it feel biased.
iv) my EP used to suffer from anorexia and being in court brought this back and probably had an affect on my son
v) finally and most importantly my ep's mum who supervises contact has said that my son is going to be 'outraged with me when he grows up to know that i took his mum to court'.

I just wish there was another way but am coming to the conclusion that court may be the only option. I'll try writing to her one last time.

Cheers all

I can't give any advice, but I agree with mjovertherainbow, how could your son ever be angry that you took his mother to court to fight to see him? He will only be angry if you don't fight for him.

eps mum sounds awful and controlling.

If what you say is true (and I appreciate I don't have her side of the story) then what she is doing is causing your son emotional harm by preventing him from having a loving and close relationship with his father.

The court will act on the presumption that this is a harmful thing for him. He has a right to have his father in his life, to know that his father loves and cares for him, provided that he is going to be physically and emotionally safe with you.

I know it feels intimidating when you are faced with a big legal team, but please believe me when I say these are NOT complicated legal issues, these cases mainly involved complicated and upsetting emotional issues as people battle with their feelings of hurt and betrayal. And lawyers are no more competent to deal with these feelings as anyone else.

You are his dad and you need to take responsibility for him.

Could you offer him a home yourself? If the resident parent carries on obstructing contact for no good reason, the courts are getting more and more inclined to change residence on the basis that you would be more likely to ensure he gets a relationship with both parents.

I would try one more time to engage her; write a calm letter saying you would like more time with your son, on your own. If she can't or won't agree, very sadly you have no choice but to make an application to the court.

Thank you very much for the replies - they are much appreciated