Having kids

[essexman]

Hi

my wife and I are both 35. We have had some problems in our marriage but on the whole everything is on the way up. Together for 15 years and married for 3, up and downs and all the rest of it but reasonably strong together.

My wife has decided she really wants a child, whereas I am very nervous about the whole thing. She says if I decide against it we may have to think about splitting up (although she consistently says maybe not definitely).

I worry whether our relationship will survive the stress which parenting would put on it. I want my wife to be happy but not if it means being a bad father.

I didn't have the best childhood and my own dad was lets say a bit variable in his parenting skills, which probably puts me off bit.
I like the idea of a son or daughter but want to do into this with my eyes open and be prepared for the practical realities.

I reckon I am ready to put my partying days behind me (well, maybe a quick revisit when circumstances allow) and financially/employment wise we would be more or less OK I think, but I just feel I'd rather leave it until I feel ready. The question is, will I ever feel ready?

I am not sure my wifes ultimatum of sorts is helping matters but there it is - she says we've discussed it back and forth, which we have to be fair, and thats how she feels.

Did anyone else have these type of doubts or did you just 100% feel that you wanted to be a dad?

I had my first at 35 as we were waiting and waiting until we felt ready. Never did feel ready but went for it anyway as we felt we did want a child eventually and biological clocks were ticking

If we had waited until ready we may have left it too late. Luckily we got pg almost immediately.

Biggest regret is didnt do it sooner and then maybe we would have fitted no.2 in.

If your wife is ready I can fully understand her really needing to get things moving - I remember how I felt when No.2 wasnt happening, her ultimation is probably just frustration for you to make a decision.

DH had an alcholic as a dad who spent most of DH's childhood in a drunken stuper. DH is a great dad as he knows how it shouldnt be done.

Do you know what needs to happen to make you feel ready? (we didn't) Or can you just take the chance?

Why don't you read a few books on parenting and child development and then see whether you feel you are ready to meet a child's needs? If you are scared that you would be a bad father, have you considered counselling to work through whatever issues your own dad left you with? That might benefit you irrespective of whether you decide to go for being a father or not. If you're not keen on the idea of counselling, there may be websites or books which could help you. I think if you are going to be a father, sorting your own childhood issues out needs to be a big priority.

At 35, you've still got loads of time to decide, but your wife hasn't; unlike you, she can't change her mind in 10 years time and decide she does want children after all. You need to decide PDQ whether you're ready to do this with her, so that if you're not, she's got time to find someone who is.

I think my main worry is the permanence of the whole thing - its the one decision in life that is permanent once made.

I am worried about repeating the mistakes of my father but possibly need to give myself a bit of credit and put another spin on it - if I know his mistakes, maybe I can avoid making them. Wife and I did go to counselling , not for this specific issue but it did come up. Counsellor suggested look for other parenting role models other than my dad e.g my grandad was much better with us, and realise that I am not my father ultimately and have a choice what I do.
I definitely want to stay with my wife but I am far less sure about kids.

I can understand why my wife is in a hurry but it doesn't make it easy for me to decide. When we got married I did say "you know I might not want kids" and that didn't bother her at the time. I have problems deciding on anything big anyway e.g moving house, jobs etc

It is interesting lindax that you had similar doubts as a couple.
Perhaps I just need to realise that nothing in life is guaranteed to turn out well but it is easier said that done.

I definitely think you need to give yourself credit for being aware of the mistakes your own father made, and wanting to avoid making them yourself.

I can understand why you would not want to rush into such a life changing decision, but I can also understand your DWs POV especially as female fertility drops off a cliff at about 38 yo.

It sounds as though making the decision/commitment to have children could be a real stumbling block for you - it is a huge step to make and it is scary to think it's one decision that can't be undone.

How would you feel if that decision was taken out of your hands? Ask yourself how you would feel if
a) you had a contraception failure and suddenly found that your DW was pregnant and it wasn't planned.
b) you were suddenly told that you would never be able to have children at all.
Think through the options - it may shed some light on your feelings.

If we had a contraception failure I would probably react with panic but gradually accept it over time.

If I was suddenly told we couldn't have kids I would be a bit disappointed to have the option taken away but more worried about what it would mean to my wife.

I am now thinking why should my dads failures as a father put me off - if I find myself repeating them I'll be horrified so that should make me a better dad (in theory)

Ive been having a long soul-searching think added by lots of cups of tea, cigarettes and not a small amount of lager and am slowly coming round to the idea of fatherhood now (helps that I have a lot of time off this xmas and wife is still at work)

Basically a choice of

i) No kids, quieter life, more freedom, however no-one to enjoy it with as my wife may well leave me and most other women I might meet in this hypothetical future will probably want kids as well or already have them. Even if my wife stayed with me, I get the feeling she wouldnt be happy and might regret not leaving and looking for someone who wanted kids while she had the chance.

ii) Have kid(s?), lots of stress and lack of sleep but also lots of fun and extra love in our lives (hopefully). Might give life a sense of purpose it doesn't really have now, and I get to stay with my wife.
Plus, if I have a boy I'll have someone to go fishing and to cricket matches with....

Thats basically whats going on in my head now. DW says I dont have to make my mind up until the New Year so I'm going to carry on mulling over Christmas and see what happens.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone it genuinely was helpful.

Essex man

The thing with "deciding" whether to have children is that actually you don't know what it is going to be like to have children. No-one does till it happens!

So your "balancing up" below actually is based on incomplete knowledge of what it will be like to have children. Yes, you can take it for granted that children shake your life up, make you sleep deprived, bring a new dynamic in the relationship between you and DW etc. But you can't really guess at how you will FEEL about having your own son or daughter. So in a way your "choices (1) and (2) below" are not a complete picture of the decision you need to make.

Fact is, the vast vast vast vast majority of people who have children say (1) that it is exhausting/challenging and life changing but also (2) that they wouldnt change it for the world and that the joys more than compensate for the challenges.

You can't guess what it is like to love your son/daughter, because you don't have one yet! No one ever gets to the point where they can say "yes, I am 100% confident that I am totally ready to be a parent. It's a leap in the dark for everyone. And its a huge responsibility and effort - it would be an idiot who didn't feel some dread at what they were letting themselves in for.

The other thing is that we change as people through life, particular following big life events. If you have a child you almost certainly won't be the same man you are today. Priorities change, focus shifts.

A lot is made of how hard parenting is and how much stress it places relationships under - but this can be very overblown. Yes it can be hard, there can be days when you just want to opt out etc but there are also huge compensations for the relationship. A child cements your relationship, there is nothing like watching your other half holding your child's hand and toddling off together down the lane.

Personally if you and DW have a good relationship (I don't mean not arguing, but I mean the sort of relationship that can weather difficulties and keep communication open) then I think you should just go for it. I am almost 100% sure you will be very happy you did.

essexman - I don't know if this will be helpful or not. My DH knew he wanted to have DC but didn't want to have them until he was your age, 35. However, as I am a fair bit older than him, I could not afford to wait until he hit his target age. So I pushed him - I said "we either try now, or we'd better split up so you can find someone younger".

He was a bit sticky about trying at that time (we'd been together 3y by then) but saw the force of my argument in the end and I managed, luckily, to fall pg quite quickly. So he became a Dad at 31 - and it was the best thing ever, as far as he is concerned.

As far as you making the same mistakes as your Dad - that is entirely up to you. I think so long as you are aware of them and even if you do make some of them, you realise and stop, then you will be a fine father. Men who make repeat mistakes and either don't realise or don't care that they are would be worse fathers than you sound like you will be.

No one is perfect as a parent - and God knows I find myself sounding like my mother (God rest her) more than I would like - but I do my best and our DS is a very happy little boy so I must be doing ok!

Good luck! :)

If you're anything like my DP, and most men I guess, then you probably don't have much of a sense of timing for life events. Whereas a lot of women will think 'I'm 20 now, so I'd like to develop my career for a bit then maybe get married in my late 20s, buy a house and then maybe have kids in my early thirties' (or whatever ages she wants to do things) and then she will be constantly thinking about and re-evaluating her life plans over the years. I think it's partly biological, because women are well aware from an early age that it becomes more difficult and risky to have children after a certain age. Men seem in general to think more short term and assume things will 'just happen', and are therefore surprised when their partner wants to buy a house, or get married, or have children.

I would say, don't base your decision on other peoples children. They can be both incredibly annoying and very dull. It's completely different when you factor in the love you feel for your own children. Also there's no reason for you to be the same sort of parent as your dad. I think we remember the best and worst parts of our parents most. If you keep the best bits and do the opposite of the worst bits, you'll be fine!!

Thanks for your kind thoughts everyone. While I think I will always have some apprehension about having kids it sounds as though that is natural. If being a parent was really that bad I guess there would be far more only children than there are...

I think my wife will be a good mum and if I do my best I think I'll do OK, although I'm bound to cock up sometimes. Its a harsh world to bring kids into these days but prospective parents have probably felt like that for hundreds of years.

I agree with all the comments made. I am definitely not a "ten year plan" kind of guy and am much more vague. I do feel like my wife has changed her mind about kids to some extent but thats biology for you I guess.

Other peoples kids do get on my t*ts at times but I guess that is a bit like avoiding marriage because you find someone elses wife annoying.

DW and I do have a good relationship although we have our moments so it looks like decision made, although I am going to mull some more over Xmas.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!!

We had your kind of relationship timescale, and similar attitudes about our similar ages.

It's good to have an ultimatum, because it is too easy to drift. If it's going to happen, it is better to have a baby earlier in life, obviously.

I don't think having offspring is the purpose of life, or completes you, necessarily. I could have been quite happy without. But at the same time I feel connected to my kids in a way that I don't feel with anyone else, and it is a joy.

I wasn't 100% sure about having a child but I knew DH wanted one, and we had been married seven years and he hadn't pushed mr about it. I thought that I did want children eventually but wasn't sure if I was ready, although objectively the time seemed right (good point in my career, enough money, friends were all doing it).

So I stopped think about it and just went for it. Got pregnant v quickly and now have 2 year old son. And I love him more than I ever imagined and also love the fact that my life has changed and my priorities are different to three years ago. As someone else has said, you can't properly weigh up the pros and cons because you can't appreciate what joy your own child can bring you.

And I still find other peoples' children annoying! More so to some extent!

I think it's totally normal to feel apprehensive and actually, if you're someone who has thought long and hard about kids, including all the negatives, then I think you're better prepared. Someone who has always wanted children and dreamed about it might be more likely to view it through rose-tinted glasses and the reality can therefore be a shock.

Look at it as the biggest adventure of your life - you won't regret it.

re. other people's DC - yes, they got on my tits before having DS and they still do! Not all of them, I do know some quite nice ones, but the loud/whiny/misbehaving ones really do get up my nose. Especially as my DS is pretty good really (no, I'm not claiming credit for it, I know it's just as much about luck as anything I have done)

From reading your posts, I think you will make a fantastic dad actually, essexman. You are right to be questioning all this.

Now just get on with it

I 100% always wanted children and haven't regretted it at all so stop mulling and get on with it,

ime plan and think about it all you want but nothing prepares you for it.

thanks everyone just read all this after a lot of thinking over xmas and new year. I'm still pretty nervous but I am going to tell dw that if she still wants to, i'll give it a go :)

Hope it all goes smoothly for you both, whatever you decide.

Good for you mate. Good luck with it and lets hope things don't happen too quickly eh? getting there is the fun part!

Waited till i was 43 so just got in under the wire with ds. Agree with Lindax - wish i hadn't waited and had another or maybe 3! Still, wasn't ready and also grew up with alcoholic dad so prob wouldn't have been good parent when younger. I also had much counselling so would recommend that, alone or with your dw.

Always felt that children were for others and it seemed such a vast responsibility that even thinking about it the day to day potential hurdles used to exhaust me.

It's the best thing in the world bar nothing. You might find this quote from Goethe helpful:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."