DP had an erpc today

[chippy47]

Found out yesterday at the 12week scan. Pregnancy had not developed beyond 9 weeks.
Not sure what I am asking really. Anyone have any words of wisdom from either a DH or DP perspective?
Afraid have not had time to trawl the site and topics related to this- too much to actually wade through at this stage.
DP is home and comfortable but realise she is going to have a much harder time with this than myself. New territory for both of us and am pretty clueless about what to do,say or think.

Anyone?

It might be worth posting on chat or bereavement, more traffic there, although I know you're looking for a man's perspective.

I'm a woman, so I don't really have any useful advice, apart from to look after each other as well as you can.

Remember to take care of yourself as well as your DP.

Either perspective would be useful tbh. Will repost if this does not take off.
Thanks

I have no advice but wanted to say I'm very sorry for you both

Can't give the DH/DP perspective as I'm a 'DW' myself, but as someone who's lost a pregnancy, I think your DP is lucky to have a partner who is looking out for her and appreciates how tough an experience this is. I'm sorry for you both that you are going through this and hope you both recover emotionally and her physically quickly and well. All I can recommend is lots of hugs. Also try to talk as much as you can and not bottle things up and yes, you may need to appreciate that she might (but not necessarily) find it harder than you to get over your loss. It's a massive generalisation, but a lot of women think of the pregnancy as their child right from conception and losing a child (even one you never met) is hard to bear. On top of that is the (usually unfounded) worry that it might happen again.

Good luck xxx

There's also the miscarriage/pregnancy loss section where lots of lovely MNers who have been through similar experiences post. Maybe try there too?

erpc means?

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. This is exactly what happened to me 4 yrs ago, my pregnancy hadn't developed but we didn't find out until the 12 week scan, then I went back to hosp for erpc the next day.

The worst for me (and I think for DH too) was that I had no indication at all and was looking fwd to going home from the scan with pics of our baby. And also, until that point, I had felt really pregnant - sick, incredibly tired. The docs said this was because I still had all the pregnancy hormones. I felt really cheated!

It was my first pregnancy and we'd both been so excited. At home we hugged a lot, had two days completely on our own before we saw people and talked so we both knew how we felt. It might not help you now but it is extremely common.

And if it's any consolation, I gave myself 2 months before trying again and I got pregnant straight away. Our gorgeous DD is 6 mths younger than our first baby would have been.

It's been a couple of weeks now so I hope your DP has recovered from the operation and is starting to feel a bit better overall. Just make sure you keep talking to each other....but lots of wordless hugs sometimes all that's needed!

Take care of each other....and good luck for the future.

Don't expect any one to understand what you are going through. People have been through similar experiences but each experience is personal.

People will tell you that it is good to talk - but equally don't be afraid of the icy silences either.

All you can do is to be as supportive as possible with each other. And don't let any anger get the better of you.

Am very sorry to hear this

My condolences to you both

I don't have any specific "advice" and am not a man, but I have experienced this, twice

All I can say is, much like eeore said, if she wants to talk, talk and talk and talk

if she wants to be quiet, don't badger her

don't ever let anyone say "it was for the best", "never mind, you can have another one" or "aren't you over this yet ?"

those things may be true, but this was your baby, another one can't replace it and it can take a very long time to come to terms with it

no rush to go back to work, either

I remember even after 2 weeks off, I was physically recovered, but the minute I walked through the door, I burst into tears

people forget that the bloke loses a baby too, so remember to look after yourself too, and don't take it personally of you get a
bit sidelined

all the best x

I agree with Anyfucker; talk if you & she need to, be quiet together if you need that - but be together

Oh and you might want to check if the local health authority has a bereavement midwife, or has a TLC clinic - might be called something else in different areas.

It's basically a support group and offers extra scans and stuff.

EPU...early pregnancy unit

for when you might be ready to try again

don't suggest anything until she does though, that would be my advice

doctors will normally advise a wait of 2-3 months, but this is purely for dating purposes, so it is a very individual decision for you two to make together