Expectant and new dads - what do you do to support your partner?

[tallwivglasses]

Hi, I'm a mum, first time I've ventured onto dadsnet.

If this question's come up before I apologise. I perused the first three pages and could have hijacked a thread about books for new dads, but I couldn't see anything else on the subject (confession: a bit by some of the thread titles though. Massaging the perinium? Blimey)

So - A young woman I know is in the early stages of pregnancy and having a tough time. She's been with her DP for 3 years, the pregnancy was planned and they're overjoyed.

The poor girl's constantly knackered and nauseous and emotional and working long shifts, commuting in the snow... she's really going through a tough time.

Her DP's great on the whole - but what advice would you give him? (I'm hassling him to do all the dishes because they make her retch if they're still there at 6am the next day...)

Please impart your words of wisdom. If dnetters are anything like mnetters I'm sure he's in safe hands.

morning bump!

why can't she tell him what she would like him to do?

Er, she does. I just don't think empathy's his strong point.

If something needs doing, and you're not soing something already, start sorting it then.

Simples.

*doing, even.

i just don't get why a friend is having to 'hassle' anyone to wash their own dishes. surely he sees dishes sitting there and washes them. and if he doesn't then why isn't she asking him to? why is it up to you? he doesn't sound "great on the whole" at all

I understand this. As a Dad, we often WANT to help but we get criticised and think why bother, so ask your friend to say " I/ll do this, and can u do specifically that? "

Thanks Silky.

I've noticed that the Relationship (and AIBU/Chat) threads seem to be FULL of women who feel their partners don't do anything like their fair share. If it were a matter of simply asking them to do a chore, or their partners noticing something and getting on and doing it, they'd have nothing to complain about!

I get the criticism bit - they sometimes feel their men don't do housework to their exacting standards and that must be demoralising when they've made an effort. The 'I'll do this, can you specifically do that?' seems a good approach.

I think it must sometimes be really hard for dads-to-be in the early stages of the pregnancy when there's no bump but the mum-to-be is often exhausted, aching, nauseous and hormonal.

I was hoping for some replies from dads about how they coped with this too. Maybe I worded the OP wrongly. Sorry boo and WingDad if I caused offense or came across as spectacularly stupid!

Be prepared to be shouted at, is one answer.

Laugh together is another.

Try and share the experience - being kicked in the kidneys by the bump is nice.

If you can get out of it, avoid the pre-natal classes. The only real use of them is the trip around the maternity ward.

Remember - far more than the trivial stuff about who does the washing up - is that the baby can hear at a very early stage, and that by the time it is born it will have a reasonable sense of the enviroment into which it is born, and who you are. Talk to the bump - let the child know that it is being born into a loving household.

Be prepared to put up with more than a few neurotic outbursts - often related to the reading of books - throughout the preganancy and afterwards: especially if the partner is going to breastfeed. What the books - and breastfeeding advisors over look - is that women's breasts are not vacuum moulded, and both the mother and the baby are individual human beings, who to make it work are going to have to negotiate. What works for some people doesn't work for others. When you are kicked awake and faced with a crying mother and baby, be calm, and encouraging.

Don't be frightened. Nobody knows what they are doing with the first child.

Though the key point is, if there is the slightest worry about the unborn baby - it has stopped moving for longer than usual, for instance - go to the hospital.

on a very practical point you could tell him to stock up their freezer with a variety of single-portion, healthy, bung-in-the-microwave-and-it's-ready-in-5 meals (and I mean home cooked here). Once the baby has arrived she'll have no time to cook for herself during the day once he's out at work.