Hi- I was wondering if any other dads (or mums) have been through this. It started last July, a week after my (firstborn) son Peter was born. My wife had a difficult birth and needed lifesaving treatment (blood loss). I was pretty freaked out at the time, but as she and the baby seemed fine afterwards, I tried not to think about it.
The first few days back at home were great, but one evening, as we were watching a film, I started to feel anxious about the baby. When I went to bed that night, I began to have hostile intrusive thoughts about him and ended up trying (unsuccessfully) to sleep on the sofa. The thoughts continued to occur on and off over the next few weeks and it seemed like the more I tried to prevent them, the more frequent they became.
I read up on them and found that whilst unpleasant, they are considered relatively common and generally harmless. This information did not prevent me from having anxiety attacks when they occured and I was often sick, losing a stone in 3 weeks.
Eventually, I was able to talk about it to my wife (very supportive and understanding). I also went to my doctor (a brilliant lady who is luckily also a trained pyschologist), who informed me that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder relating to the birth and that I had developed a condition known as Thought-Action Fusion OCD. This is where you believe that because you have hostile intrusive thoughts, they will eventually come true (tempting fate). I was put on antidepressants (SSRI) and was added to a CBT waiting list.
Things however, just seemed to be getting worse and worse- I wasn't sleeping and I was becoming increasingly upset in the mornings (my lowest point of the day). As this was interfering with my job, my doctor suggested that my wife and son stay with her parents (who live nearby) for a few weeks, as we waited for CBT to come through. I have been seeing my son during the afternoons and evenings and things have become a little better- slightly less intrusive thoughts and times when I enjoy being with him.
I still have days (like today) when I can see little hope for the future and envisage a life seperate from Peter (which deep down is the last thing I want). My first CBT appointment is in a few days time and I am praying that it can start to have an effect over the next few weeks. We have a family holiday booked for Xmas and I really want to have made progress by then.
I would really appreciate feedback from any other dads (or mums) who have had similar experiences, as I often feel very alone and isolated with what is happening to me.