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Dadsnet

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Original poster

Sleep overs and the single dad

15 replies

FrazzledDad · 08/10/2010 23:39

To put this in context, I'm a single dad and have my dc's at mine much of the week.

My dd has recently asked several of her friends parents if they're allowed to do a sleepover. Today another friend's mum was clearly uncomfortable and non-committal.

I know this is not unreasonable when it someone who doesn't know me well but this has also happened with parents who were happy to send their kids to my previous house when I was with my ex. Although most of them probably don't didn't know it, I was the one who fed their kids, put them to bed and looked after them when they were upset in the middle of the night.

I also know from my ex that some of the same parents have asked if she can do sleepovers at hers (which she won't).

My dd's confused and I'm left wondering if it's just one of those things you're not supposed to do as a single dad?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Snorbs · 08/10/2010 23:50

I'm a single dad and both my children have had their friends over for sleep-overs.

You are inevitably going to get some parents who will be twats unsure about it but bollocks to them. And bollocks to any supposed "things you're not supposed to do as a single dad". You're a parent. Inviting children over for sleep-overs is something a parent does.

Invite them anyway. You'll probably discover that at least a couple of your daughter's friends will come and, to be honest, you don't want too many of them in your house at once otherwise your ears will start to bleed

Do you know the other parents well?

Original poster

FrazzledDad · 08/10/2010 23:58

Yes, I know some of them well.

That said, I've noticed some of the mums I used to get on well with have become noticeably less sure about what to do with me since me and my ex split.

OP posts:

Snorbs · 09/10/2010 10:01

Yeah, I've had that. They seem almost threatened by - horror of horrors! - a single dad. As time has gone on I've noticed it less and less. I'm not sure if that's because they've got more used to me or that I have enough confidence in what I'm doing to not care. I suspect it's a bit of both.

DadInsteadofMum · 11/10/2010 16:43

Exactly as Snorbs says. My daughter has friends over for sleepovers (one at a time as I am not that stupid) some I know the parents well some I don't (wonder if DD has told that I am single dad?) not aware of any that have refused their daughters permission.

loonyrationalist · 11/10/2010 16:57

Persist with it, it sounds like it's a reasonably new situation which they'll soon get used to. As a child my (single) dad hosted sleepovers regularly.

manonamission · 19/10/2010 14:56

This is awful news, how disappointing that people act in this way. I agree with everyone on here who says keep persisting, at least you are willing to hold sleepovers at yours I know of many parents (separated and non separated) who won't allow their kids sleepovers.

Don't give up, or let it bring you down.

UrbanDad · 26/10/2010 17:05

It's pretty hard on you, but I agree with the above - stick with it. If you look kowtowed by it, then the parents who are getting all scared about it might think there was some justification for them fear in the first place. Stay cheerful [hgrin] and polite, accept that some will change their minds and some won't, but don't let it (or any of the other anti-dad prejudice of which I notice some when I drop DCs at school) become a source of bitterness and change who you are.

Maybe suggest that they come round for tea when they drop their DC off at your house - then they can at least see that you are in control, can manage to hold a house together and your DCs are happy and contented (one of their concerns might be that you cannot cope on your own with a houseful of kids).

kreecherlivesupstairs · 29/10/2010 08:11

I have to confess to being astonished by this. What a horrible thing to happen to you.
Any chance my DD can stay at yours?
Seriously, there is clearly something wrong with those who object.

DirtyMartiniOfDoom · 29/10/2010 08:18

:( What a depressing problem for you to be faced with.

When I lived with my (single) dad as a kid I used to have friends to sleep over quite a lot. I don't think it even occurred to me that this might be something of a hurdle for my dad to get past with other parents. Obviously he managed to do so, though.

We were even more at risk of gossips because my dad was just about the only Democrat in a neighbourhood full of Republicans (sorry if that seems irrelevant, but in 1980s smalltown USA it definitely did make us the Weird Liberal Family who Might Do Anything).

Anyway. Be strong, OP.

pottonista · 29/10/2010 23:11

The ones who are looking nervous are probably the parents where Mum does all the organising, childcare, cooking, cleaning, planning, logistics and everything, and so they just can't imagine that a single dad would be a spectacularly capable, organised, loving, dinner-at-the-right-time-making rule-enforcing-but-loving and generally rockin' individual.

They're probably picturing what would happen if their own DHs were left with a houseful of lively kids for the night and picturing Armageddon. It's rubbish that they can't see you for what they are but people can be very unimaginative. I'm sorry that it's so insulting for you though.

pottonista · 29/10/2010 23:12

I mean see you for what YOU are

LadyLapsang · 05/11/2010 19:51

Think it will get better once the parents know you better. Can't you invite the children back for a playdate / tea and then have a coffee and a chat with the parents when they come to collect? I don't think I would want a young child staying over in a house where I didn't know the parents, nothing to do with you being a single dad.

How old is your DD?

Original poster

FrazzledDad · 11/11/2010 00:41

I see this tread is still alive.

LL - my point in the OP was that I do know these folks, or at least thought I did.
I also wouldn't let my DD stay with someone I wasn't familiar with.

My DD has now had her first sleepover and it was a success.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 11/11/2010 02:41

FD - I'm glad you've had one successful sleep over :)

It saddens me that people are now treating you differently because you are no longer with your wife and sad for your DD :(
Some people are complete twats and sadly single Dads encounter quite a few of them!

I wouldn't have any problem with my kids sleeping over at a friends house where there was 'only' a Dad or only the Dad home.

mungojerry · 13/01/2011 12:12

Had to go away on business for the day last week and left dh in charge of daytime playdate. I had telephoned mother the day before and said she could change date if preferred. She went ahead but said could she stay as her ds wanted her there. They ended up having a great time and told me this morning that he would like to come again and wouldn't need her there next time.

I do feel for you and it sounds like you were the hands-on parent in your marriage too. Everyone is terrified these days by endless media stories that want you to believe every bloke is a potential threat to your child. We live in a small community where one of the dad's was found guilty of molesting children and was given a custodial sentence last year. Our dc used to play there and tbh it's made me more thoughtful about it all. We knew them too and were quite friendly so was a bolt from the blue for whole community. Therefore please understand where these people might be 'coming from' and I believe in time, you'll be accepted.

Sounds like you're a first-rate dad .

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