Dads- partner or wife getting maternity leave or part time work- how do you feel?

[chocolatefinger]

Hi
Am real regular- but changed name for fear of being identified...

I really want a male perspective on this.

DH and I work full time we have a pre school age child. I love working and I couldnt be a SAHM full time.

However I'd like to work 4days (or even 3 in my dream land) and will definately do so if we have a second. DH is ok with that. This will be only whilst kids are small.

However DH said really clearly to me 4 days is ok but is grossly unfair if I work 3 days as I'd get the "good bits" and he'd have to go to work.

I know thats true- why should mothers get all the "time off"- beyond the necessary time for breastfeeding... I agree- but its what mothers do a lot- and it happens in many many cases.

Does anyone else feel like my DH? Are there a lot of men around pissed off that their wife/partner is at home and getting the good bits? or are they glad to have a partner at home looking after their kids?

To be clear Im not after being at home all the time AT ALL. I like working.

I just feel a bit cheated here on the principle that many other families work out like this and the husband is very glad to support (emottionally) his wife in being part time. What my DH says is fair and equal and thats our relationship all over- but I still feel a bit about it that Im not afforded that same blessing to do what I will make me happy (for a short period) because he will feel 'jealous'.

For clarity- I earn quite a bit more than him. We could now afford me on 4 days and 3 at a very tight push. I find that quite a pressure and I often wish our salaries were reversed.

Now I've written that I feel terribly unreasonable as he is completely reasonable on this.

I just feel cheated. I know I will get over it.

He sounds like he is expressing the frustration all parents feel about juggling family and work, and maybe he feels you are getting the better deal.
Is there any way you could both work part time? (i.e. 4 days each) It worked for us.

thanks drdoug

4 days each would be my ideal situation and i'd love for our kids to have 1 day with each parent alone. Im not precious about being the one at home specifically- Im precious about kids getting parent time.
Although Im not convinced he'd want to do that re his career... Which i guess was why I posted. It felt like his arguement was I cant do it so neither can you.

I wonder how easy it is for men request and get approved flexible working? The system is so geared towards women.

Requests for flexible working vary hugely from company to company. I'm a man and I got my request approved.

What I didn't realise at the time, though, was that marked the change from me having a career with prospects to simply having a job. I never got promoted again and ended up being made redundant last year. It's not an easy decision.

It wasn't easy, but my union was supportive . My career has been delayed but not adversely affected overall, but that may be peculiar to my career.
My view is that if he can't or won't go part-time as well, then he may still feel frustrated, but it is unfair to target that at you (accepting that we don't always behave fairly when feeling hard done by!). Maybe, the way to play it is to discuss how he can have one to one time with your child. I have really appreciated this myself, and I feel much closer to my children as a result.

Thanks everyone.

I really do think its so hard for men. Dont get the good bits of maternity leave and then dont get the protection that women get (or certainly do in my very good company) around prospects. Doesnt seem very fair really.

DrD- we do both spend 1-2-1 time with our child at the weekends (while the other has a lie in and that is great.

We have an excellent balanced approach to childcare which works well for us. I think it is unreasonable to change the rules to suit me when i want I suppose..

I hope we naturally reach a conclusion when the time comes...

Although my 9mths of fully paid maternty leave is another point of contention all together...

good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

My dh put in a flexible working request no problem. He's a police civilian. I'm in retail and I did the same. We now work back to back. Works well for us.

Thanks Ruddy- Its almost the perfect solution IMO.

:)

My wife loves to work. Lives for it, almost.

I couldn't give a shit about working, don't care about my career, not really interested in what i do for a living, learn enough that i can hold my own, just.

So, the mother gets a year with her job held open. The dad gets a fortnight, 1 week at 90% pay the 2nd week at £100ish.

If she wants more time off i'll happily let her. In fact i've had to persuade her to have 6 months off.

I'm fucking worried frankly about my job security and my ability to support my family.

I've "joked" with her that i would be the sahd when the baby comes in Jan, but life is cruel to us in that i earn more at the moment so it makes sense for me to stay working despite the fact that she is cleverer, more driven, more career focused, more employable. For the same reasons we would follow my "career" around the country/globe as necessary since her skills would win a job in most locations.

I think sometimes folk have a slightly warped idea of what the "good bits" entail at home with small children.
A woman going pt will almost always take on the majority of the domestic chores, meaning her partner is able to devote himself totally to his career, while the woman treads water in hers. The woman will often spend her days alone with the children ensuring most of the housework is done so that the family can have 'quality' chore-free time at the weekends when the man is home - from what I see the men in these set ups get more of the "good bits" while the women do a lot of drudge work.

We both dropped to 4 days a week when our son was 6 months old, when my OH went back to work.

It works well, the kids have a good balance.

We both do our fair share of chores. I work at home 2 days a week which means I have often have the washing machine doing a few loads while I work. I do the school run on my day and the days I work at home.

I don't think I get the "good bits" - neither of us do really. We have a cleaner who comes in once a week to keep on top of the cleaning.

If my OH went back to work full time we could manage finacially with me as a SAHD but I think I'd go mad. We both still enjoy our jobs and the adult contact.