what to do?

[lilacdreams]

Hi all

Need some advice on what to do. I know this is a horrible situation and I hate myself for making bad decisions and getting into it.

About 5 years ago I went through a divorce. A terrible messy divorce. Then I met someone but wasn't sure I was serious about her. In the meantime I took a short business trip and met someone. We had a one night stand and that was it. I went home and realised I was serious about the first one, and we got involved.

Fast forward a few months. Relationship is going well and other half is planning to move in with me. Then I get a call out of the blue from the fling. Turns out she's pregnant. I hadn't used protection since she told me she was protected and incapable of having kids in any case due to a medical condition. Stupid choice I know, but heat of the moment and all and no condoms around. Apparently there had been some kind of medical miracle and she had become pregnant anyway from having sex once. We talked and she said she definately wanted to have the child, and that it was up to me if I wanted to be involved or not. Since she lives on a different continent I said the only way I could be part of things would be to move over there, but she said she didn't want that. Basically I went into shock and didn't contact her for a while after that.

Fast forward a few more months. I emailed her to try and get back in touch but she replies saying that by not talking to her for so long I'm obviously not serious about being a part of things. I call her a couple times and leave messages but she doesn't answer.

Fast forward to today. I haven't had contact since. If everything went well with the delivery the child is now about 4. DP and I got married, and now-DW knows about everything since the beginning. We have wonderful kids that I love to bits. But I keep thinking about this child I might have somewhere out there who is growing up without knowing a dad. DW thinks I should leave them alone, and the one time I talked to her about contacting them she got upset that I might want to be part of their lives. What gets me is I see what a huge part I have in the lives of our kids, and it upsets me to think about a little kid without a father in the picture at all. But they are so far away. Should I contact them and try to be part of their lives? Or should I keep trying to forget all about them and focus on the family I have in front of me?

Perhaps the best thing is to get hold of a paternity test to see she is telling the truth. At least find out if it is true.

I am going to be really cold and say

How do you know the child doesnt have a father figure?

fours years is a long time and it is possible that the situation has moved on for her and the child.

Oh and medical mircales happen. a lot on mn can testify it. Personally: on pill, told could never ever have kids. My 6yo is a lovely kid which has taken me 3 years to get over the shock of. It happens.

At the end of the day you really have to decide several things.

1. is it because u feel guilty that you havent been involved
2. If you do get contact how much involvement, physical, emotional and financial would you want, be capable of or expected to give?
3. Is it really the best thing for the child?

And importantly what impact is it going to have on the people around you?

It really is a tough decision to make. make sure you think carefully though all implications and dont act spontaneously.

You also need to consider that whilst you might like contact the mother might not. how will you deal with it in those circumstances?

Are you reasonable find-able? If this woman, or the child at some point in the future want to find you, will they be able to?

If so, I think probably the best thing would be to wait and see if they contact you... your DW knows all about it so it won't be a huge shock if they do get in touch, and you sound like a decent bloke who would be involved if poss.

If you're not really find-able, then you could try to find them and let them know where you are, should they want you to become involved, but be prepared to let them get on with their lives if they don't want you to be a part of it.

I was thinking but if you are concerned about the child thinking you hadnt worried about them you could write a stash of letter type things that you could give to the child if they came looking. It might also help to resolve some of your emotions and what ifs, consigning them to paper/notebook etc.

Thanks for the thoughts.

LQ - I've thought about it. But seems like then I would be suddenly reappearing to accuse her of lying. If I suddenly turn up and ask for that, I have a feeling the answer will be 'fuck off'?

OPC - I don't know if there is a father figure in the picture. If I found out there was, I think it would make me feel a lot better tbh. But I would need contact to find out (don't really want to go down the sketchy PI road).

It is definately guilt driving my feelings. If I knew the kid was fine without me I would leave them alone for sure (though I think there is a bit of curiosity mixed in to know more about the little one). They are so far away I couldn't offer more than emails and maybe a visit once in a blue moon. If the mother really doesn't want me in the picture, I am not going to force it - who would feel better if I did? I worry though that she doesn't think I have any interest so does't think there's any point trying to reach me.

I don't know how much contact I could handle. I don't know if I could handle it at all. I don't know if my dw and dcs could handle it. I do know that I think about it most days. I feel like I either need to put it out of my mind or do something.

squonk I know the mother has my email address so she could contact me anytime she wants.

Sounds like you guys think I shouldn't be the one to initiate contact. Maybe that's the right way to go.

Sigh.

I disagree. Counselling and DNA test, you need to work this out so it doesn't affect your relationship with DW and so that you don't spend the next 20 years wondering.

Father figure is not the issue, if she did get pregnant you are the father. The child can still have other father figures but you would be the father.

I don't knw why, but there is something about this that doesn't quite fit. Why has this become an issue for you now?

BTW, I had no idea you were a man - you have such a girlie username!

okay, clearly the mum doesn't want you involved in any frequent way or she would have let you know. however, in due course, the lo does have a right to know who you are. i think, rather than encroaching on their set up, you should send one email letting them know that if the child does want to initiate contact at any point, they are welcome to, and let it go at that.

also, i think you should talk to your dw about your ongoing feelings about this, as when eventually you do meet this child - and you will unless his/her mother has lied about your identity - it will also impact her life.

QoW: it's been an issue for me since I got the first call. My reaction was to leave them alone and try to put it out of my mind. But it's been haunting me so I finally decided to ask for advice. This is the first time I've told anyone except DW.

Counselling and DNA testing, what would be your reaction if you were the mother in this situation? I think I would tell myself to get lost.

As for my username... would it be better if I called myself 'Black&DeckerPro' or something like that? :) I only just signed up, and I can tell you it's hard to find a username not already taken.

Stripey: Thanks, I think that's a good idea. I will see what DW thinks about sending another email. It is hard for her but I hope she will understand.

Just to add to my last post...

the reason I needed to post here is because I've been trying not to think about it, but it crosses my mind all the time. When someone talks about how hard it is to be a single parent, I think about them. When someone talks about how important it is for kids to have their father around, I think about them. When someone tells me I'm a good dad to my kids, I think "yeah, except one of them".

I can't really talk to my friends or family about this, I have no idea how I would explain it and can only imagine what they would think of me. So to everyone reading this, if you have any ideas, I would really appreciate hearing them.

I totally agree with SWHat in that you should, with the agreement/knowledge of your DW, send a one off email. Just tell the mother that you think about your DC all the time and have not forgotten him/her. Say you don't want to intrude on their lives but would be happy for xyz contact (phone calls, birthday/Christmas cards, photos, letters/emails, annual/biannual visits, etc etc whatever contact you and your family would be happy with). Make it clear that you would understand if she feels it's inappropriate at the moment. Tell her unless she contacts you again the only reason you would email her is to keep her up to date on how to get in touch ie if you change your email address in the future.

By sending the email you are leaving the ball in their court so to speak and if at a later date your DC contacts you and asks where you were you can say you tried but being so far away made it difficult that's why you left the decision up to the mother.

As OPVodka said, writing is a great idea. If it was my DH I would encourage him to have a box with DC's name on and put all letters and cards etc in there so you can show your DC you really were thinking of them. Put a birthday card in the box each year and anything else your family celebrate ie Christmas, Easter etc. Make sure you put the year inside the card and on the envelope so DC knows when you wrote it. Also put in any letters you write. I think letters are a great idea, you could even print this thread off to give to DC to show what a difficult decision it was whether you got in touch or not.

Good luck with whatever you decide but please ensure that your DW is involved in all the decisions. Explain why you want to get in touch, tell her you're enjoying your life with her and your DC so much that you want to be sure that your other DC is OK. Make sure she understands there is nothing lacking in your life with her and your family, just the opposite.

I hope everything turns out just as you and your DW wish.

I think you're right lilac that you should absolutely not resume contact with this woman and start immediately making demands for paternity tests. If I were her and the absent father of my child called up 4 years later and that was where he wanted to pick things up, I'd be inclined to hang up on him.

I also disagree that this is something your wife needs to be on board with. She is wrong to try to emotionally blackmail you out of a relationship with your child.

It speaks well of you that you want to know that your child is well and happy. I think your impulse to get in touch and sound the mother out is a good one and worth following.

Your penance for being pretty crap for the first 4 years of this child's life is to be an object lesson for dimwitted young eejits that they should never cede control of their fertility to strangers. No condoms = no sex with pretty foreign girl who assures you she won't get pregnant.

Sounds like she is talking bollocks to me TBH ..... she has probably spun the same yarn to hundreds of men in the hope they will be consumed by guilt and deal with it unquestioningly with their chequebooks. Are you 100% sure the child exists and is actually hers??

either that or she is a chronic attention seeker

agree with massivemammaries.

I agree with addicted. You need to offer contact and not force it upon anyone. If she does respond, then it will take a while for people to believe you're serious. I remember many a time my 'real' father getting in touch, doing a few visits and then disappearing for years again and that will be horrible for this women and her child. I don't think he did it purpose, but with distances being what they are you'll have to realistic about what you can offer.

Sorry I haven't really read it all and I may be repeating stuff or missed something entirely, in which case just ignore me (plus it's like midnight here)