Am I being fair

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I have a two year old. When LO was one, we moved in with DP which involved moving across the country, leaving friends and family behind.

Since then I have spent a year searching for work without success. I feel like I am in solitary confinement, no access to friends and little to family because I am so far away. I've relied pretty much on Mumsnet to stay sane.

When I moved up, I said we'd give it a year and see how we got on. He agreed that if it wasn't successful then we'd move back south, he'd come too.

Well it hasn't been a success. I'm miserable and quality of life for our LO isn't as good. DP has grown-up family by a former marriage, and I find he is still giving ex-wife and twenty-somethings about £1500 a month which means he cannot cover his mortgage. He has asked me to "lend" him £200,000 which I have refused to do. This also means he cannot support me and LO so I am paying for us out of my savings. I have also discovered his will leaves everything to his ex-wife and he has made no provision for our son (I'm not bothered about me as I'll cope).

Now the year is over, I am applying for jobs but they are all back south and I should get one shortly. I still have my deposit so will be able to buy a house.

The problem is DP is refusing to come too and leave his friends/family and is angry at my plans. I can't see how I can stay in a situation where i can't provide for LO and he won't. BUT he is still LO's dad.

I don't want to damage his relationship with our little one but I have to earn a living. So many dads lose contact with their kids and feel bereft but I cannot see what else I can do. I can't get him to flex yet need to earn a living.

Help. Is there a man's point of view that I am missing?

Is he giving them £1,500 per month voluntarily, or is this the exact amount of any payments agreed as part of the divorce settlement?

If its part of the divorce agreement then perhaps he is scrabbling around trying to make ends meet and this is distracting him from his obligations to his new family.

However, I think that's probably being very generous to the guy. If, as I suspect, he's handing over this money voluntarily, hasn't changed the provisions in his will despite your asking and doesn't want to move away from his former family despite expecting you to do the same a year ago.... well you can see where I'm going with this can't you?

Bottom line is - any guy asking you for a massive financial loan in order to provide for the adult children of a former relationship is not really committed to you or to your little one (at least in a material way). For what it's worth my advice would be to move out as amicably as you can now - you need to get sorted financially asap. Your son will not benefit in the long term if he starts to realise that you and he are "second best" as far as daddy's concerned.

Sorry, it's a crap situation but I do think you need to sort something out sooner than later. No, you haven't missed anything - he's just being a twat. Best of luck.

That's the view I'm coming around to. I have compromised as much as I can, but in the end I have to provide a secure home for my DS and at the moment, if DP gets it wrong on the motorway tonight, we'll be out on the pavement by midnight. No the payments aren't part of a divorce settlement. They are clothes allowances and livery fees.

I keep expressing my concern but he just says I'm being silly (which is pretty patronising apart from anything else).

Thanks for the calm appraisal. I don't want to be some awful woman who takes a child away from a dad, and I can see all the things I could be accused of, but I can't go on like this.

Ah, guilt money to the kids then. Livery fees certainly ain't cheap - before DCs my DW and I used to have a horse each and ride...I took up flying as it was cheaper!

You would only be taking your child away from his dad if you didn't try to make any split as amicable as you could and denied the father any access.

Make sure you emphasise now and in the future that none of this is your DS's fault and that both mummy and daddy love him. Even when they are little they have a terrible habit of picking up on tensions running beneath the surface, even when you are careful never to discuss contentious issues in front of them. It's probably much better for him in the long run to sort things out sooner, rather than waiting until the situation is even worse for you and your resentment builds higher, let alone him realising that he's bottom of the pile compared to his father's "other family".

Good luck.