SAHD with hyperpicky and controlling wife (Sorry this is long)

[Andrewr]

Hi everyone,

Am a bit at my wit's end and could do with any thoughts or advice anyone can think of.

I'm a Working At Home Dad who looks after my gorgeous one-year-old daughter and works like a Trojan writing and sub-editing to pay my half of the bills around little one. I also do the cooking, laundry and housework as, well, I'm at home and it'd be a poor show if I didn't.

My wife is self employed (as am I) and works full time. The way things were planned was that I would go freelance and look after bab at home while my wife went out to work.

It's a tremendously difficult task trying to fit in any work around a little child as naturally she comes first, and work a distant second, but I manage to pay my way, keep the house reasonably well and ensure everyone is fed healthily.

The problem is that, to put it bluntly, my wife is a bloody nightmare. Nothing I do around the house is ever quite right for her - and when I do things the way she prefers, the goalposts get moved to a different way. She's scared my friends away by yelling and swearing at them so they won't come and visit, she wants to control what I eat and drink, yadda yadda yadda. I go balls out to keep things how she likes them and placate her, but it's never enough. I have to provide emotional support for everything, but when I need some she jumps down my throat, kicks me in the nuts and gives me a whole load more shit to deal with.

Now, keeping housework and kids in good order is a challenge in itself (as the Mums on here will confirm), but bringing in a decent income too is sodding hard, and I think I'm doing a very good job of things. If I say that even the Mother-in-Law sings my praises - and she'd be the first to say if she thought I wasn't - you get the idea.

Frankly, I've had enough of the crap I'm getting from OH. I've tried talking to her and asking for a little respect and appreciation but just get told to stop being over-sensitive. I'm really at the point now where I can't see a solution other than separation but I don't want to lose my daughter, and I don't want to deprive her of the chance for a normal happy family life.

Any thoughts on what I can do, short of telling OH to eff off?

Cheers,

Could you give some concrete examples of things she is doing or saying that are doing your head in? I said, she said style?

I think she is just a bit cunty actually, and I don't like the assumption that she must be depressed or jealous.

"I go out of my way to show her appreciation - breakfast in bed at the weekend, a nice lie in while I sort out DD (who invariably sleeps through til 6 bless her), and try to make life as relaxing as poss."

Out of interest, what does she do to show her appreciation of you?

I hate to say it but your relationship doesn't sound very nice to me. And the hyper-criticism and controlling stuff are abusive behaviours even if you're sure it's not an abusive relationship. She's treating you like a child who needs micro-managing rather than the equal, competent and capable adult (and parent) that you are. That's not healthy and it doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship if it's not addressed.

Living your life walking on eggshells and trying to avoid someone else kicking off for trivial reasons is soul-destroying. I've been there and I've done that and I know how extensive the wreckage was.

Have you considered going to Relate? Having a neutral third-party to discuss these issues with might help a lot.

I grew up with critical parents, I am a critical person - something I'm working on but it's taking time, a long time. For your dw it could be coupled with resentment and depression.

I think you need to have a frank discussion with your dw that you are not happy with they way she relates to you.

"I am slightly bemused that a lot of posts seem to be 'is she stressed, perhaps she has just got used to speaking to you like this, perhaps she doesn't want to be away from her baby'.

If this was a bloke people would (rightly) be saying that what she is doing is emotionally abusive."

I said those things Orm and I disagree with you. I think they are at the root of the problem if he wants to get to the root of it, he'll need to investigate if there is a cause, what it is and if he can or wants to work on fixing it. I wouldn't hve given different advice to a woman and no, I don't generally tell women to leave their dh and I don't tell them it is emotional abuse, mostly because I don't know much about emotional abuse.

Andrew I feel for you. We were in a similar position. There's an awful lot going on in your life and both of you are struggling to spread yourselves thinly enough to go around.

Your wife sounds insecure and there is probably a reason for this - which may not have anything to do with you. You can't make her work it out but you may be able to get her into a place where she can.

I felt in a similar situation. DW would get home to dinner, I would get DS up at weekends while she lay in, I would wash up etc. She was always a bit lazy, as she has admitted, and still slightly thinks that the world stops when she feels tired. I really, really started to resent the amount of work I was doing.

Gosh I could go on and on. It would actually be easier to talk on the phone. PM me if you like and perhaps we can have a chat.

BTW we're in marriage counselling now, at my insistence, and it is gradually working, but it's bloody difficult.

Chin up!

Tri

I can relate to Andrewr. My wife has presented me with a gorgeous daughter who I look after. Meanwhile the wife herself has turned into an argumentative martinet and turned me completely off her. She's now got herself pregnant by some other bloke and I'm looking for out. Any nice single mums out there?

lots :)

read Summerrain's answer again_ I'd say thats about right- if, when you've discussed all the above with DW I'd give her a month to adjust to the new you( who takes no crap just like we women should take none)& if there's no improvement get out - share custody & find someone who appreciates you! she's either stressed(arentwe all tho) jealous of your coping skills or frankly just not a very nice person- in which case dont wait 20 yrs to wish you'dd got yourself a better life!

Hi Andy
Sorry, this sounds very hard for you.

As a working Mum with SAHD for the last 12 years, I would guess that she doesn't really appreciate how much effort being at home with a little one is, and might be jealous of your time with your child. Certainly my own priorities changed after I had children and ever since I've been wishing I could spend more time at home, but it isn't going to happen.

That apart, she is being very unkind and you are unhappy. This must change really, so I reckon it's time to suggest relate, mediation or something.

She needs to lower her standards about the house, if that's an issue, and if possible it might help for you both to timetable in some time to spend together.

If all that fails, come and be my SAHD and take mine off my hands for a bit, would you? he's critical of me as he's jealous of my work/status while he wears the apron at home!

It's hard getting the balance right.....

BW
Alf

I suggest having a big ole cry in front of her and show her up for the meanie she is as no one likes to see a grown man cry. Then if she gives no sympathy the go with TheCRackFox suggestion straight after...

I don't have a partner such as this, but do in some ways have a very similar situation-I work at home a lot and provide equal childcare. And one consequence of that, despite the fact we both do equal shares when there, is that a lot of the household chores fall on me, and I use my lunch breaks to cook an evening meal, research local schools, arrange doctors' visits etc.-partly because this makes sense, but mainly because being on my own in the house makes me more aware of what needs doing and eventually, just need to do something about it and feel I can.

I have a very different partner to you, but similar issues arose. When we talked certain things came out, not about her wanting to be at home, but about how much I had ended up controlling her environment by default, leaving her with the option only of criticising afterwards. It wasn't that she wanted to do this stuff, just that she wanted more say over what she ate, whether the house needed to be so tidy or all the other stuff. perhaps this might be an issue here too-not who does the work, so much, as who is getting to say what is done.

You need to talk-maybe a nice day off work for her one Friday when kids with MIL, a croissant and coffee in bed and a good chat?

Is she depressed?

My mum is like this.

Nothing my dad does is ever good enough.

If he asks if he can do something to help her, it's no. Then she moans that she has to do everything. If he does something, she moans that he did it wrong and she does it again - with lots of sighs. If he speaks, she shoots him a fuck off and die look. (making sure I see it!) she tells me marrying him was the biggest mistake of her life and he's ruined her life. (by not being able to give her millions of pounds, basically. All about money)

She's systematically isolated him from all his friends. she played a great part in isolating him from all his relatives. she slags them off all the time.

She tells him that he's useless, complains about the house. Says things like "who do you think oyu are" with a sneer on her face.

Everything he says, thinks and does is wrong. He's supposed to know what she wants without her saying because apparently if he loved her, she wouldn't have to tell him what she wanted / needed, he'd know. He should do whatever without her saying. But when he does - he's wrong and she says so.

She tells him he can't do anything right, to leave, for example, the housework because he does it wrong.

Then sighs and glares and puffs and pants.

She carries heavy things upstairs, refuses help and then complains that he didn't do it

She constantly compares him to her dad - who gave her everything and worshiped the ground she walked on.

She has pick pick picked at him until he's had a breakdown.

He says he loves her.

My sister and I say it's stockholm syndrome.

OP, there are no excuses for what your wife is doing to you. Women can be abusers too. My mother is. And she has damn near destroyed my father.

Don't let this happen to you.

i think an ultimatum would be the next thing: either you stop being so awful, come with me to counselling or it's over.

i think she needs a serious wake-up call.

DH and I were in a similar situation when our DD and DS were smaller.

At the end of the day, we would get in to competitive arguments about who worked the hardest, who did the most around the house etc... basically we were both just burnt out and turning on each other because we didn't know where else to turn. It is destructive and does not achieve anything.

Counselling is a good idea. A good counsellor will give you both an opportunity to say how you are feeling and to respond to each other.

DH and I got through it and DS is now 7 and DD is now 6. They are both at school full time which was the turning point for us.

Good luck

The OP says "works like a Trojan writing and sub-editing to pay my half of the bills around little one" Is this because her income cannot support the family or because she's only prepared to pay half? If the latter then you've obviously allowed yourself to be dictated to for a long time if you've agreed to being a SAH dad while trying to bring in as much money as her.
She's got used to treating you like dirt and still getting breakfast in bed, its going to be hard to make her see that and change without alienating her, so it sounds like perhaps mediation is going to be your best answer? Giving an ultimatum and venting all your grievances is just going to result in the mother of all arguments and get you nowhere I suspect. Can you get a babysitter, go out, and say you need to talk, and do it in a calm way, ultimately saying that between you as a team things are not going well and you'd like the two of you to work together to resolve it.

I also agree it sounds like there's a chance she's depressed, which is a reason but not an excuse, and clearly something needs to change.

This is an old thread - August! OP hasn't been back for ages.

Doh! Knew I shouldn't always trust 'last 15mins' tab.
Wonder what happened to them all...?