SAHD with hyperpicky and controlling wife (Sorry this is long)

[Andrewr]

Hi everyone,

Am a bit at my wit's end and could do with any thoughts or advice anyone can think of.

I'm a Working At Home Dad who looks after my gorgeous one-year-old daughter and works like a Trojan writing and sub-editing to pay my half of the bills around little one. I also do the cooking, laundry and housework as, well, I'm at home and it'd be a poor show if I didn't.

My wife is self employed (as am I) and works full time. The way things were planned was that I would go freelance and look after bab at home while my wife went out to work.

It's a tremendously difficult task trying to fit in any work around a little child as naturally she comes first, and work a distant second, but I manage to pay my way, keep the house reasonably well and ensure everyone is fed healthily.

The problem is that, to put it bluntly, my wife is a bloody nightmare. Nothing I do around the house is ever quite right for her - and when I do things the way she prefers, the goalposts get moved to a different way. She's scared my friends away by yelling and swearing at them so they won't come and visit, she wants to control what I eat and drink, yadda yadda yadda. I go balls out to keep things how she likes them and placate her, but it's never enough. I have to provide emotional support for everything, but when I need some she jumps down my throat, kicks me in the nuts and gives me a whole load more shit to deal with.

Now, keeping housework and kids in good order is a challenge in itself (as the Mums on here will confirm), but bringing in a decent income too is sodding hard, and I think I'm doing a very good job of things. If I say that even the Mother-in-Law sings my praises - and she'd be the first to say if she thought I wasn't - you get the idea.

Frankly, I've had enough of the crap I'm getting from OH. I've tried talking to her and asking for a little respect and appreciation but just get told to stop being over-sensitive. I'm really at the point now where I can't see a solution other than separation but I don't want to lose my daughter, and I don't want to deprive her of the chance for a normal happy family life.

Any thoughts on what I can do, short of telling OH to eff off?

Cheers,

It does sound like she's very very stressed - presumably when you married/fell in love she wasn't like this, so something has caused her to change. It could well be jealousy - possibly she wishes she was at home with your DD, and is resentful at how things have panned out for her.

All you can do is a) have a long hard talk with her - somewhere public may well be best, because it's less likely to end up with tears and tantrums, and you'll both behave better - and explain, calmly and rationally, how she's making you feel. Reassure her (a lot) that you still love her and want the marriage to work - if she feels insecure, she may behave more badly.

And then b) adopt a zero-tolerance approach, so that when she criticises unfairly, you ignore and walk away. You don't rise to it.

One further thought: it is very isolated being at home with a baby, especially (I guess) when you are a Dad not a Mum so may be less included in Mum's mornings. Your job appears to be solitary too, writing. Perhaps you are lonely? Maybe you need to get out, with DD, and socialise a little and then you would not be so dependent on OH for affirmation.

BTW I agree with other posters that it sounds as if your OH is being intolerable and you need to talk to her.

Hi all,

Thanks all for your suggestions and pointers - I really do appreciate it. It's not an easy situation we're in and we both do work bloody hard. There are, as I well appreciate being a writer, two sides to every story.

Just to clarify my original post I fit work in around little one - when she's asleep for the computer stuff, and answering the phone and so on when she's awake. In other words, in the average day, I have to first and foremost look after DD, then squeeze in some work around her, then do some housework, and then cook dinner for when OH gets home. My wife does work very hard, which is why I do as much as I possibly can to take the pressure off her and allow her to spend precious time with DD. It's not easy, but there's plenty of other parents out there who do the same and more, especially those with more than one pre-schooler so I'm not complaining about that because looking after DD is beyond doubt the most wonderful and rewarding thing I have ever done.

My issue is that everything I do and say (and quite probably post on MN) is subject to intense scrutiny and then criticism. And I do mean everything, down to the expression on my face five seconds after I've woken up. I even get berated for not being able to relax, yet, for example, within 10 seconds of me sitting on the sofa - every single time - I get asked to do some piffling little thing, accompanied by a hard glare and a sigh if I'm even a second off the mark.

From what everyone's said the options are basically: deal with it, see if another conversation will help, or leave. If there's any more I'd love to know, cos I'm out of ideas...

Andy

She sounds really unhappy to me,and she sounds jealous.I think it is hard for many women to be the one out at work all day while the man looks after the baby,however much it may make sense on paper.I think you both need to talk and talk about this or you will end up separating.Perhaps you need to swap roles? She needs to sort out why she's so unhappy and to stop throwing it all at you.I think maybe talking to soemone neutral,e.g. a relationship counsellor would be a really good idea for both of you.

From what everyone's said the options are basically: deal with it, see if another conversation will help, or leave. If there's any more I'd love to know, cos I'm out of ideas...

There are a couple of other ideas that posters have suggested e.g. hiring some extra help if your budget allows. Getting a cleaner in one day a week, for example, would be relatively inexpensive and would take the burden off you. Another way to approach this would be to take specific 'deals' to your OH e.g. agree that she cooks dinner 3 nights a week from now on. It is a tad unreasonable that you're expected to cook the dinner in the evening too despite putting in a full day's home-based work. My OH works from home sometimes and I don't presume he will cook dinner for me just because of that. We usually cook together, (might be harder with a baby, I know).

Sounds to me like she has some pent-up anger towards you or her life generally. Is she happy in her career? My OH at the moment runs his own company and has flexible working hours and I am a bit jealous of him because he has found something he loves to do that earns him money, AND is his own boss. It doesn't cause tensions as we talk about things openly and are working towards a long-term common goal but if your OH were jealous of your situation (I know I would be!) then she might be struggling with this and feeling resentful. You could try asking her if she's really happy in her career and wants a change? It does sound like everything's dumped on you at the moment because she resents working and is sulking about it and bullying you as she feels out of control.

When she criticises what you have done/the way you have done it, what do you do? Do you ignore her/argue with her/do it again/do it differently nest time?

If she thinks she can get away with treating you this way she will continue to do it. Next time she says anything just smile, agree with her and suggest she does next time as she is so much better at it than you. Don't engage in petty arguments and don't just give into her.

So she reads your posts on MN too?

I would be telling her to piss off if she can't stop acting like this. Unless you are conducting some sort of MN experiment and are on the wind-up, the woman is being utterly unreasonable and you could quite legitimately file for divorce on that basis.

Andrew - what I'm still not clear about is whether she was like this before you had the baby. did pregnancy/motherhood change her or was she always like this? how did she cope during maternity leave?

I ask because I really think working that out would help you see exactly where the problem is coming from and how to solve it.

If this was aowman OP writing about her husband everyone would have been a lot more 'Leave the bastard!' about it.

I think it must be very difficult for you to do the job of childcare and work well. And one must be suffering. You say its the work that comes second so maybe take a year off?

Is there any reason you can put your daughter in childcare so that you can concentrate on your work maybe just a day or two a week?

I am slightly bemused that a lot of posts seem to be 'is she stressed, perhaps she has just got used to speaking to you like this, perhaps she doesn't want to be away from her baby'.

If this was a bloke people would (rightly) be saying that what she is doing is emotionally abusive.

Andrew you must feel on tenterhooks the whole time. This is not a fair position to be in.

You need to speak to her and say that you will not be used as her verbal whipping boy any longer.

She sounds like an utter, utter nightmare. What on earth do you see in her? If DH treated me like this he would rapidy become ex-H. She sounds appallingly selfish and controlling. Honestly, if you were a woman and you were describing your husband's behaviour everyone would be telling you to get out and that he was showing classic abusive behaviour.

Free advice is worth exactly that, but I think you really need to lay the law down. It's not about getting a cleaner, it's about respecting you. Tell her if she doesn't start treating you like a human being then you're leaving and taking your daughter with you. You may want to get some legal advice on this first as the courts like to keep children with their mothers.

Hi MathsMadMummy,

I think my OH was always a bit like this before we got married - certainly MIL says so - but the day after we married it was like a switch tripped to say: "You've got him now, you don't need to be nice." I exaggerate a little, but that's what it sometimes feels like.

It was all a little difficult with DD, as OH had HELLP syndrome, which was extremely hard, and then because she's self employed could only manage 10 weeks' maternity leave so I don't blame her for being bitter about the situation. I'm sure I would be if things were reversed.

The volume seems to have turned up to 11 in the last couple of months though. There are some external factors which haven't helped but it doesn't really alter the fundamentals.

As to childcare, the reason I can't do that is simple: I don't think we can afford it...

Thanks again everyone,

Andy

I feel she doesn't value you and your imput.
Can you suggest she tries 4 days week for a while?

Many of my friends used that as a way of using up their holiday time - no ideal, but it won't be forever.

As she is like this with a lot of other people - hypercritical - the issue is not with you, your relationship or even, I suspect, on issues surrounding childcare.

She has found a way of living/working that is most beneficial to her; everything gets done - all the time - her way. She "yells" and "swears" at your friends to "scare them away" thereby isolating you; Your support network breaks down.

"when I do things the way she prefers, she moves the goalposts". Well that is because she wants to keep you on your toes.

Why?

Because it works. That is why people - male or female - act this way.

As to particular issues i.e. What food/drink you are allowed to consume: if you are 25st and alcoholic, then yes, criticism IS warrented from your wife. If you are 12 st and only a social drinker, she IS hyper picky and requires taking to task.

What to do?

For some issues I would simply suggest "detaching "

That is to say, when she criticises you or orders you to do something, simply do whatever it is, to the best of your ability, your way; have a set of stock responses " yes, no, not yet....you'll have to do it yourself if you want it finished in a particular way " and Do Not Engage in her emotional response. Repeat Ad Nauseum .
Your wife will be resistant to any change because as of this moment everything is done her way. You could talk to her about it, but I doubt she would really want to hear. It would, at this stage, require something along the lines of Relate where both of your voices may actually " heard" and given equal weighting.

You could marry me, Andrew. I like the idea of a hubby who looks after the kids, cooks dinner every night and earns money.

Seriously, it does sound as if you are both so busy working and caring for DD that you have lost romance and fun for the time being. You don't want that to become permanent. Have you any evening made sure DD is in bed early, put candles on the table, sent OH for a relaxing scented bath whilst you finish off the cooking and pampered OH for an evening. Perhaps she is missing out on affirmation as much as you are. This sounds counter intuitive, as you already do so much, but might actually encourage her to tell you that you are doing a good job too and might give you a chance to talk.

You didn't answer my earlier question though: when OH gets home does she, manlike, sit on the comfiest armchair, switch on the TV and expect the house to be immaculate and supper brought on a tray or does she, womanlike, immediately rush around trying to finish off everything - empty the dishwasher, put away clean clothes, read bed time story to DD, get in some ironing.... I am serious that if it is the latter and if she doesn't appreciate how hard your day has been too then she could well resent you being a SAHD, especially with her having been so ill in PG and then having only a minimum maternity leave which must have left her chronically tired and run down.

It sounds like you are being brave and not wanting to complain, but actually you do need to let her know that your day is tough too and that not many women would be expected to be at home with a baby AND bring in half the household wage. Likewise, you need to make her feel appreciated too.

I feel you WILL sort this out :-)

Hey Andy,

MathsMadMummy raises a good point. How much of this do you think is just what she's like as a person and how much is situational? It sounds like from what you say that she was always this way inclined but the current situation has made it worse.

Although it's tough, it feels like if you can try to pull apart the two different bits then maybe you can find a sensible way forward (or not). If it's situational, then maybe, maybe, there is a way to alleviate it. If it's just how she is then it would be an awful lot more tricky as you're trying to fundamentally change someone.

I agree with getorfmoiland this is definitely emotional abuse, and clearly you are both unhappy.

First step is to work out what the root of the problem is. Does your DW feel left out/resentful? Can she change jobs to be able to spend more time with DD? Do you two spend time on your relationship or is it now all about DD? Make a list of all the things you love and appreciate about your wife, and have those things in mind when you broach the subject with her, as you will be more tuned into her then. Suggest counselling, Relate or something.

I really hope this works out for you. I left an unhappy marriage (no DC) but it was the hardest thing I've ever done, even though I had to, to save my sanity. Try everything else before calling it a day.

I'm not too sure about the emotional abuse thing, I think people can assume that too quickly on some threads - I tend to think that of the usual threads where it's a man who's being nasty. I usually think 'is he stressed/depressed' first, before wondering if it's abuse.

although obviously it is feasible whichever way round, my DH's first wife was emotionally abusive too.

It is perfectly possible for women to be abusive, toxic individuals (enough threads on here from people whose mothers/MILS are truly vile human beings). It is beginning to sound as though your DW is a bully, who bullies everyone around her, and that's not good. I think caramelwaffle's advice is very sound, see if that helps.

I think you need to be more firm. It sounds like you can be a bit of a push-over (sorry). If she doesn't like the way you do things, then you should tell her that that's the way you've done it and if she doesn't like it, then she can do it herself. That would be my DH's response to me. Consequently, I think very carefully before I make any comments that criticise what he's done.

She does sound quite depressed and irritable. Could she have depresssion?

Well, notsocrates, a typical evening involves OH getting home to a cup of fruity tea waiting by her side of the sofa, a cleaned and hopefully recently changed baby waiting for a cuddle and din with mum and dad. I finish cooking dinner, serve it up around 6 and then my wife gives little one the last milk and puts her to bed.

She usually offers to clean the kitchen after dinner though if she's looking particularly tired I'll do that too, and then may find something to do, but as often as not flops exhausted in the living room. She might also sort out a load of washing to put on overnight. No dishwasher to empty, nothing pressing that really needs doing because if I've been organised it's all sorted. Usually.

I go out of my way to show her appreciation - breakfast in bed at the weekend, a nice lie in while I sort out DD (who invariably sleeps through til 6 bless her), and try to make life as relaxing as poss. Wonder if I'm guilty of doing too much?

I'm not convinced about the emotional abuse either - I don't believe it's at that level and I think that to raise it would do more harm than good by raising the stakes massively.

Not been able to persuade OH to make time for us, even though MIL is brillant with the bab and needs to feel needed herself. She's only round the corner so it's not as if it's a long drive. My gut feeling is that with OH being away in the daytime she wants to make up for that by spending as much time as possible with DD, which is fair enough, so there you go...

Excellent wise posts from Comtessa and Caramel.

Hmmm Andrew, it seems like you are doing everything you can and your OH seems to be on some sort of guilt trip with herself that rebounds on you. Sigh, sorry I don't know the answer. It seems like your MIL is okay, though - does she witness her daughter's behaviour and, if so, what does she think? I agree with other posters that OH may feel happier in herself (and so easier on you!) if she could do a 4 day week.

One other thing, not really related but might be helpful. When I was at home with DCs and also trying to work a bit, I did a swap with a neighbour in a similar position. 2 days a week I had all 4 children which was hard work but meant I could devote myself fully to it, and enjoy it, and then 2 days a week she had them and I could work etc. They were a little older than yours - probably 2 eighteen month olds and two 3 year olds when we started.

I only mention this in response to your comment that you couldn't afford childcare.

Can you tell us a bit more about your OH controlling what you eat/ drink? That sounds weird actually.

Andrew. Echoing what others have said here, I wonder if your OH is jealous of your being SAHD? I work full-time and when i returned to work after the birth of our DD (at 8.5 months) he was SAHD 3 days a week. We had a nanny for 2 days per week to give him an opportunity to do some work (also self-employed). I definitely felt envious of his position at times. And just so you know, he didn't do ANY housework/washing/cooking for us - simply cared for our DD - so I think you are taking on an awful lot and doing a grand job.

Does your OH open up to you about how she felt returning to work after only 10 weeks? That is very soon. She could be depressed. You sound as though you have a good relationship with MIL - could you leverage this to get her to talk to her daughter about how she really feels if you can't communicate with one another?

This situation smacks of resentment. I recall feeling irritated that DH had ignored certain aspects of the "schedule" i had helpfully put together for him for our DD. But he was doing such a good job of caring for our DD I put my pettiness to one side and bit my tongue about the stuff he wasn't doing. Your OH sounds stressed and angry. You need to try and get her to talk to you.

Good luck - you sound like a top bloke and a fab dad.

Andrew, i think your problem is that you are too good at being a SAHD, you are making it look effortless.

Any chance you could go away with friends or business for a long weekend? Make sure you leave very little food in the house, 3 nappies and a ton of washing to do. I can guarantee that she will see you in a new light when you get back.

Also, you need to tell her that she needs to start appreciating you more as it is making you start to resent her.