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I've learned that you cannot make
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someone love you. All you can do is
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stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
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I've learned that no matter how much I care,
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some people are just assholes.
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I've learned that it takes years
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to build up trust, and it only takes
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suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
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I've learned that you can get by
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on charm for about fifteen minutes.
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After that, you'd better have a big willy
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or huge boobs.
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I've learned that you shouldn't
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compare yourself to others - they are
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more screwed up than you think.
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I've learned that you can keep vomiting
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long after you think you're finished.
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I've learned that we are responsible
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for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
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I've learned that regardless of
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how hot and steamy a relationship is at
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first, the passion fades, and there had better
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be a lot of money to take its place.
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I've learned that 99% of the time when something
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isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
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I've learned that the people you care most
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about in life are taken from you too soon
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and all the less important ones just never go away.
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I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke"
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in 6 languages.