poetry workshop/exercise 6/Fathers' Day

[Janstar]

Hi all. I hope there are still some interested parties out there, I feel the poetry workshop has dwindled down to myself and Popsycal, so I am hoping to see more poetry posted this time.

June 20th is Fathers' Day. A personal poem is a lovely gift for a loved one and costs nothing but some time. It may be sentimental or funny, and may take any form you choose. Let's all have a go at composing a poem for our partners, fathers or fathers-in-law.

Janstar sorry and will do! Just been in the world of smacking for too long should lighten up now adn have some fun!

am still in the process of writing...anyone ready to post yet?

A very very tentative posting coming up.....VERY first draft - knocked up in 30 minutes.....will need tweaking......

No one else brave enough!?

A sonnet for my Daddy

To my Daddy ? I love you such a lot.
You were the first one that I ever saw,
Your eyes welled with pride; all stresses forgot.
I gazed at you, and you at me ? both in awe.

To my daddy ? you make me feel so proud.
Without knowing it, you teach me new things.
Your love for me is silently avowed.
With you at my side, I seize what life brings.

To my daddy ? you keep me safe and sound.
You?re always close by, watching over me.
You kiss my brow, arms embrace and surround.
Such love is obvious for all to see.

I?m glad you are my Daddy and promise
That I am there for you too. Your son, Thomas.

Popsycal! I thought poetry was dead!

I like this poem. It has the sentimentality of the subject captured but without being too slushy.

Some people don't like the use of complicated vocabulary when a piece is purported to come from a child. They think it doesn't sound natural. So do take that into consideration. It's not a point that really bothers me in this case - it's quite evident to me that the mother wrote this
anyway.

The rhyming is fine. The rhythm is mostly fine. You have a system of 10 beats per line, but your 4th line has eleven, you could lose the 'and'.

The line 'Your love for me is silently avowed' sounds slightly awkward and I think it would flow better with a slight change of wording, eg

'Your love for me is in silence awowed.'

The final line has 11 syllables and seems a little abrupt. It needs a little jiggling. First and last lines are very important.

When you leave for work in the morning
I am learning to say goodbye each day
My face turns and my eyes follow you
as you get ready to go for the day

And on the phone
I hear you voice but not your face
It is my daddy
I always have something to say

When you come home in the evening
I am learning to say hello each day
My face turns and my eyes follow you
as you come in the door

You hold me in your arms
and I love to hear and see you again
You are my daddy
and I love you with each passing day

written fast and definately not as much forethought as you popsycal, but done in solidarity of the writers club

Thank you papillon for thinking of the solidarity!!

I'm afraid this poem does need a lot of work. You don't seem to have made up your mind whether it is a blank verse, a free verse, rhyming or not and you really do need to decide and work on the structure before I could really go any further with it.

To My Husband on his 14th Father's Day.

I remember the young man, who gazed in awe,
now I see the older one, raising eyes up off the floor,

I remember the young man, smiling with pride,
now I see the older one, welling up inside,

I remember the young man, with one then two and three,
Now I see the older one, with not enough knees,

I remember the young man, with energy galore,
now I see the older one, who understands the score,

I remember the young man on his very first Father's day,
Then I could not have imagined the older one being so fulfilled this way.

Mothernature, I think that's lovely. It does need a bit of fine tuning to improve the rhythm slightly, and the line about raising eyes up off the floor is unclear so it would be best changed.

You have a feel for poetry and I think with work you have the makings of a very good poet indeed.

The line about not enough knees is almost but not quite a rhyme, but it's such a good line I wouldn't want to lose it. Can you rework it so that you get the word knee instead of knees?

2nd Draft:

To My Husband on his 14th Father's Day.

I remember the young man, who firstly gazed in awe,
now I see the older one, picking toys up off the floor,

I remember the young man, smiling with such pride,
now I see the older one, welling up inside,

I remember the young man, with one then two and three,
Now I see the older one, who needs another knee,

I remember the young man, with energy galore,
now I see the older one, who understands the score,

I remember the young man on his very first Father's day,
I could never have imagined the older one being so fulfilled this way.

That's beautiful. Your love and admiration for him shines through without being over-slushy. I think you are a natural poetry writer - please continue.

Well folks that's all from me on this, I'm away for the weekend and not back till Sunday so I hope your poems turn out all right for father's day!

looking back on my life i remember you
looking back on my life i remember the things you do
i smile so sweet
and remember a treat
of all the things you done
my bike was broke you were there
i cut my knee you were there
i wanted to learn something you were there
but the thing i remember most about you being there was every time i said goodnight every time you turned out the light
i wouldnt sleep to tight knowing you were there

oops dodgy syllables were a mistake.....will attend to it!

i agree (as usual) abotu simple language....
lots of ideas foe reworking

tahnks janSTAR
could there be a more apt name for you

and a typo - awowed should be avowed

obviously
lol!

version 2....

To my Daddy ? I love you such a lot.
You were the first one that I ever saw,
Your eyes welled with pride; all stresses forgot.
I gazed at you, you at me ? both in awe.

To my Daddy ? you make me feel so proud.
Without knowing it, you teach me new things.
Your love for me, in silence, is avowed.
With you at my side, I?ll face what life brings.

To my Daddy ? you keep me safe and sound.
You?re always close by, watching over me.
You kiss my brow, arms embrace and surround.
I touch your face ? smile beams for all to see.

I?m glad you?re my Daddy and I promise
Our bond will keep growing ? Dad and Thomas.

well - i gave version 2 to dh this morning and he loved it