Ex remanded now I feel guilty

[Aimee3]

My ex has been remanded in custody for hassling me and my child since he moved out of the family home.
Now I feel incredibly guilty because he may get sentenced.
Is there anyone who can help me with these feelings.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Objectively, if he has been remanded then he has done something that warrants that regardless of the specifics of your relationship. (The same is true if he gets sentenced.) That is the law and policing; you’ve done nothing to alter what would’ve/should’ve been done. Just try to think of it objectively like that, imagining the characters involved aren’t yourself and children and him.

Abuse doesn't like being out in the open. I get why you'd feel guilty, it might seem like your actions have caused this. In reality, the cps have determined that he meets the criteria to be charged and he is too dangerous to be out on bail. This tells you you were right xx

Did you reach down inside him and make his vocal cords say the things he did?

No. I thought not

So he chose to say those things himself, of his own free will.

The thing about living in a nice country is that there are laws that set boundaries about what is and isnt acceptable behaviour. He chose to break the law, so he gets the consequences.

This is all nothing to do with you except for the fact that you very sensibly reported his law breaking behaviour. There is a decent chance that you have saved someone else from his nasty actions by reporting him.

So from one law abiding person to another….. thank you

Then he shouldn't have done the hassling, it's his fault, and absolutely nothing you should feel guilty for. If there's enough evidence that he's been remanded in custody then there's clearly enough evidence they will prosecute and have enough grounds for injunctions etc to keep you ( and others ) safe.

You are extremely lucky that there are laws in place, and that today the police take matters seriously enough to take action for things such as harassment/stalking/financial control/coercive control - I was completely cut off from all my friends and family.
Back in the 1970s, when I had trouble, there was nothing available to help me. Luckily I was able to disappear under the radar with the help of some very good friends for long enough till he latched on to his next victim. Still not addressed the trauma though, I had it all flood back earlier this year when I bumped into someone I knew from that era/town & still see from time to time, who for some odd reason used my then nickname which nobody has used for 45 years rather than my actual name or his own personal pet name for me as usual (I was renamed by the ex because my name was apparently too posh).

So please don't feel guilty at all. Feel empowered that you've been able to stop him.

I can't help but think of him inside, wondering how he's feeling. I have too much empathy for him. I also feel very sad for my son. It's horrible.

Hopefully he’s feeling suitably punished for doing what he did, and very deterred from ever doing it again. That’s the point.

Just remember he wouldn't be arrested and charged unless he had committed a crime, which was his choice as an adult, and you deserve to be kept safe from him.
What advice would you give a friend in a similar potion?

Reframe it. How awful
for your son watching you get hassled bad enough for someone to be jailed for it. How great for your son to see his mum stand up for herself and do what’s right.

Remember abuse tends to escalate. How awful for your son if your Ex had filled you.

Your ex is responsible for his current situation. He brought it in himself.

You deserve to be treated with respect including by an ex partner. Your son has just learnt an incredibly valuable life lesson about knowing your worth and standing up for what’s right. Be proud

Yes I understand that. I had to do what I had to do, he gave me no choice. I just have a lot of feelings about it.

Look, this is the nature of domestic abuse, you have spent such a long time trying not to irritate him that now he is in trouble you are thinking it is your fault.

As someone said above, he must have done something very serious for the police to take it seriously, it takes a LOT, absolutely a lot for them to go to this level, they may know more than you do, they may know that he is ready to potentially hurt you and therefore might be keeping him in for your own safety and your child.

You may be thinking it wasn’t that bad because you may have got used to this or even worse kind of behaviour, and that is some kind of thinking you will need to snap out of it, it may take years but keep in mind that the important thing is not anymore to keep him happy for your own safety, he us out of the house. The important thing now is to keep him at a long distance to ensure you and your kid can have a life without fear.

It will be difficult, but hang in there, keep your distance, don’t back track, you will get there in the end and will manage to provide a safe life for your child to flourish without toxicity or abuse at home.

Hang in there, you are strong enough, remember this is all about keeping you and your child safe.

Does he have previous?

No, he has always been quite controlling though and since we split up his behaviour has escalated.

Well I’m sure he’s fine. Hopefully he’s reflecting on his behaviour!

You did what you had to do, you’re not responsible for the consequences. He is a grown up.

I think when you are in a toxic relationship and that person blames you for their actions you start to blame yourself. I clearly have been trauma bonded to my ex.

Yeah you probably are trauma bonded.

Have you reached out for support? Womens aid and the freedom programme could be really good for you.

Gingerbread, the charity that supports single parents could also be useful.

My ex is still remanded and may likely be now until Nov/Dec time. I have so many feelings flying around, guilt being one of them 😔