hi all
this is a bit of a long post but I will try to shorten it as much as possible.
I am a 35 yo female, married, 4 kids.
When I was a child, approximately between the ages of 9-15, I was sexually and physically abused by my step dad.
There were occasions when this abuse came to light (eg I was getting changed for PE at school, and one student noticed marks on my body, and alerted a teacher), there was also another occasion where in my teen years I had a boyfriend, and he too noticed marks on me and told his mum, who alerted safeguarding at my school.
Basically I was called in for interviews and I pretty much admitted everything that had been happening at home. My stepdad got arrested.
during the time I was being abused, mainly sexually, I did tel my mum what was happening, I even think on occasion she probably even walked him on him abusing me. When I told her, she told me I was a liar, and that nothing was going on. I felt so let down that I had plucked up the courage to tell someone, my own mum, and she just shut me down.
he got arrested and released because there was insufficient evidence. When he came home, he sat me down, with my mother, and both of them basically tried to get me to admit that I was lying, that it wasn’t true, I was attention seeking and making stuff up. And that was what I should tell police, the headteacher etc. he tried saying first of all to safeguarding at the school that it was a “consensual relat “ and when she said that it can’t be consensual because I was a child, he backtracked and told me to say I was a liar. My mum begged me to tell them that it was all for attention, nothing happened, because he was the breadwinner and without him we (she’d) have nothing and they’d lose the house. So I did. I told them I’d made it all up and I was an attention seeker. Obviously it did all happen, I just wanted to make mum happy.
for years I’ve struggled with the abuse I suffered, never really having a proper relationship with him as father/daughter, once the abuse stopped at 15. I did get some counselling for it but never really got closure.
anyway, a month ago, my stepdad passed away unexpectedly. Initially, I was upset, as despite everything, he was the only “father figure” I’d ever really known. As the days and weeks have passed, I feel terrible for saying this, but I’ve also felt some sort of relief. Relief that the man who abused me and got away with it, has passed away. I didn’t hate him, in fact I probably forgave him, I just wanted to do right by my mother, even if she never did right for me.
what I’m struggling to deal with, though, is my mums grief. I realise this is my mums husband, a man who she has been with 35 years. Obviously, she is devastated. But this man abused her child(ren) (I’m one of 3 and I think he also used to hit my sisters, but it was only me who ever got sexually assaulted as well). He was in the house with her 24/7, now she’s totally alone and I get that must be hard for her. Me and my sisters have not left her alone for one day, we’ve made sure she’s eating, drinking, trying to sleep. I’ve even slept next to her on his and her bed, just so I could make sure she fell asleep.
what I’m really asking for is how do I accept my mums grief? Is it normal that initially I was upset but now I feel some sort of closure? She’s grieving the love of her life, yet this same man abused her kids and there isn’t really a thought for any of us. I just find it hard to accept her crying constantly over a man who abused her children. For her to turn a blind eye to it all, can’t have been easy, but it’s left me with physical and emotional scars I don’t think I’ll ever really heal from.
I don’t really know why I posted this, but I had to let it all out. I don’t hate either of them, and I forgive them, I did a long time ago when I knew I was going to suffer alone.
thanks for reading