Historic SA *long post* NEED HELP

[Mamabird2022]

I was SA when I was 14 by a man much older than me. I’ve never told anyone about it. I’m now almost 30 for context.

I met up with this guy and it was clear he was older. We went for a walk and he then SA me. He tried to insinuate more showing me that he had brought protection and saying things. I left and went back home and never spoke about it again.

The end of 2023 I received a text from a girl who asked if I knew this man from when I was 14. She knew Info about what happened and told me that she was dating him at the time and then went on to marry and have children with him. She said she seen messages he had sent me when it all happened so she knew what he was doing. She was quite rude and was demanding to know exactly what happened and if he knew how old I was. At one point her new partner sent me vns from her account saying “you need to tell us if he sa you” I told them I didn’t want to be involved. I also told them that no one knew about it and to this day my parents still don’t know about it.

The man who sa me then messaged me the next day begging me not to go to the police as it would ruin his life. She clearly had spoken to him and told him what I had said to her. Then fast forward to Thursday last week I got a message from her saying she passed my details to police and told them what happened to me and I have to work with police to help her case. I completely refused told her not to contact me again and then I called the police and told them I didn’t want to be involved. Now they’re calling me on Friday to get a report of what happened when I was 14 even though I already said I didn’t want too.

Sorry for this being long but I am really confused and don’t know what is going on. My anxiety is through the roof to the point I can’t sleep. Does anyone have any advice? I really don’t want to be involved and I really don’t want to make a report

No one can make you give a report.
You can explain to the police when they call that you don't want to if that's what you want to do

As for what's going on, if she's talking about "her case" then maybe she's trying to stop him seeing the children if she's got concerns about him being a paedophile or he's already harmed them and your evidence would back up the child's version of events. Or perhaps she's your age and he abused her back then too.

Even if I'm right, none of that is your problem though. You're entitled to live your life however you want. There's no laws compelling victims to report things.

IDK if you'd maybe be entitled to any kind of therapy etc via the police if you did tell them though. Because whether you wanted it to or not, it's all been brought back into the front of your mind now and you may not be able to go back to ignoring it all. Although maybe you can afford to pay for your own therapy if you need it.

I'd contact a charity for victims of SA because they'll probably have more information on the law in cases like this. You have concerns about your parents finding out so perhaps a charity can advise you of how things happen if you do/don't talk to police. Unless your parents like to hang around in the public gallery of courtrooms there may be no real chance of them finding out. Not everything is splashed across the front pages of newspapers, lots will go unreported.

Telling the police something could also mean they can stop him contacting you, I mean you'd at least have to tell them you don't want him contacting you. I'm pretty horrified he's been able to, if I'm honest. Can't you block him at least, if you don't want to change your phone number?

Ignore the attempted guilt tripping from him about you "ruining his life" if you speak to police. If his life is ruined by someone speaking the truth, then he did that himself by SA you (and any others).

He certainly sounds completely stupid to:
a) still have your phone number and messages he sent you. Police may not need any evidence from you and can just look up your D.O.B. Together with the messages that may be enough.
b) having insufficient understanding/care about boundaries/consent and about sex with a minor and how that's a crime. If he knew and didn't care then he deserves anything that's coming to him and if he didn't know then at his age he should have done, ignorance is no excuse. You're not responsible for his stupidity or evilness.
c) contacting you again now. Which is just more awfulness for you to deal with because I imagine you never wanted to hear from him again, even if it was like "happy birthday" or something but especially not if it's to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

You've done nothing wrong, now or in the past, whether you talk to police now or not, whether you kept it secret then or not. Anything that comes to him because of what he did is all on him and has nothing to do with you. He's responsible for his own behaviour, past and present.

I'd block the insensitive people saying you've "got" to do this that or the other, too. They've not taken your feelings as a victim into account here at all.

@Rabbitsinthelilac thank you for the reply. From what i guessed from what she was saying he told her what he done to me back then and she did nothing about it she still went on to marry him she is around the same age as him. He has then went on to sa their son which is now why police are involved with her. Her and her new partner have been sending me voice notes telling me I “have to tell them what happened” and it is borderline harassment the way they have been messaging me. When I told her to not contact me again her reply was “let’s hope they don’t remove your child too” now the police are saying I have to speak to officers and make a report about it after I told the officer several times I did not want too

You can get free legal advice from Rights of Women. You can also contact The Survivors Trust who have a good helpline and can signpost you to specialist counselling if you need it. Victim Support may also be helpful.

Morning OP,
I work within this area and the Police have to come out and speak with you now somebody has disclosed the offence to them. They will come out and ask to speak with you and see if you will go through some paperwork with them. It is entirely up to you if you want to do this or not, you do not have to make a report if you don’t want to.

so sorry this happened to you and your in this position xx

You could speak to police and make a complaint of harassment in the present, against her and her partner and the sex-offender ex. None of them care about you and all are bullying you for their own purposes. You're doing nothing wrong regarding your own DC so ignore that. It's just words deliberately calculated to hurt you and scare you into doing what they want.

They're all a POS as far as I can see. Her for not giving a damn about you back then, for having a child with a paedophile and for bullying you now. Her partner for bullying you now. And the ex for being a paedophile and for bullying you now. None of them come out of this looking good. It's their son I feel sorry for, he's the innocent victim in the situation ( just as you were back then). He's not your responsibility though. Legally you owe none of them anything.

Some might call you selfish for not reporting. Maybe they'd be right and maybe they'd be wrong, I can see both sides of the argument. But let's say for arguments sake that anyone saying that is right. Well, being selfish isn't a crime. And it's the same thing the woman and her ex did, when he SA you and she ignored it and had a child with him. They're still being selfish now.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your DC wellbeing, nobody else. Any sense of responsibility you do/don't feel towards society in general, and the boy at the heart of this in particular, is optional. There's no rules for it. There's not only one single morality and anyone outside of it is w.r.o.n.g. Morality is subjective and based on personal values and opinions. Everyone will have their own version of what they're comfortable with, what they consider right and wrong. We live in a free country, which gives you the right to make those decisions for yourself, just like everyone else does.

One thing nobody is taking into account, including the police it seems, is that just because this happened to you a long time ago it doesn't necessarily mean you're over it, have processed it or are fine to talk about it. Maybe the police, at least, need reminding of this.

I'm always amazed at the casual way officials are happy to just come out asking you about any previous SA, when gathering background information. It's not like asking your age or previous address. It's a deeply personal question that ought to be handled with some sensitivity and compassion.

Passage of time doesn't automatically equal, or correlate to, victims becoming "ok"/at peace/somehow "fine" with what happened. Anyone wanting to speak to you about this should be approaching you having at least acknowledged to themselves the possibility that you've never spoken to another living soul about what happened, that you may have successfully pushed it to the back of your mind and forged a life for yourself that works, and that bringing it up to you in even the most sensitive way has the potential to completely derail both your mental health and the life you've built. If someone can't hold those possibilities in their mind when they approach you to speak about it then IMO they've no business approaching you at all.

You could just get a new number. IDK why people don't do that more often. It's not that big a deal to tell people/organisations your new number IMO. It won't get rid of the police though, not if they have your full name or an address from your phone contract records.

It is one of the main benefits of mobile phones IMO. Back in the days of landlines you'd have to either move home or convince the phone company you were being harassed, to get issued with a new number. Now all you have to do is spend 99p on a new SIM card. You can even get dual SIM mobiles now. One number for anyone official, that you never have to change. One number for friends and family, then if you get a problematic person just switch out the SIM card to prevent that problematic person from contacting you again. Just an idea.

One more thing I'd do. Phone up and ask for the name/rank/number of the police officer who spoke to you on the phone. Then tell the police you won't speak to that person at all, they need to use someone else if they want to speak to you about this (even if all you're going to do is tell them to sod off). If you already told that police officer that you didn't want to make a report and they've incorrectly told you that you've "got to", then they've already overstepped your boundaries. If you're going to have any kind of conversation about this you need to feel safe and you need to be in control. That's never going to happen with someone who already thinks their agenda is more important than your well-being and, believing that, then feels they're justified in overstepping your boundaries.