Clare's Law disclosure. Self-care/healing after a break-up.

[Bettsy123]

Hi all- please impart words of wisdom!!

I will try and keep it to the point.

For background: My previous relationship ended in my ex tailgating me, and I genuinely thought I may die. He was arrested for coercive control & stalking (after the incident, my statement of previous incidents, aggression & him found having a key to my house which I knew nothing about)- and bailed multiple times- CPS said there was not enough evidence to charge. I then had a non-molestation order against him which has since ran out.

Fast forward a year later and I meet someone and we get along so well, he treats me the best I've probably ever been treated in a relationship- everything is amazing. Emotionally, physically, everything is there. I'm thinking- wow- this may actually be something worth working at.

He had told me his ex had made a DV claim after he had been to child court for his daughter (he has contact with her and wants more) and that she was trying to use leverage for finances etc. I have been open about my past relationship and had stated VERY clearly that it was important to me that he was honest with me, even if it was hard to hear. I had asked specifically if he had ever had any involvement with the police, arrests etc and he answered no. And it was an easy no.

But the history with his ex seemed a little patchy and things weren't quite adding up. I remembered the DV officer said that I could put a Clare's Law in on any prospective dates etc and I submitted a request months ago (thinking that I would rather know if there was anything, but honestly from his behaviour I really doubted that there would be and I felt guilty for going behind his back).

Then the police contacted me and said they had a disclosure.

There was an incident disclosed that he had been physically abusive and threatened her, there were bystanders who had intervened- the police didn't know if he was still on bail or not as they couldn't get the information (he's from a different county) so he hasn't yet been charged.

After the disclosure I broke up with him, I made up an excuse. He was obviously annoyed and confused that this was out of the blue as we were doing well and nothing had happened. After the back and forth and me being made out to be an arsehole and I should be 'ashamed' at what I was doing etc I finally told him that I was hurt that he had lied to my face when I had specifically asked him, he knew my history and lied. I didn't tell him all of the specifics just that he had multiple opportunities throughout the relationship for disclosure and he had lied multiple times.

He was shocked. He said he wished I had gone to him and not behind his back, that he was trying to protect me and that it was a horrible situation and false allegations etc. He was open to talking and explaining to me. He wasn't aggressive or angry at all.

This has happened over the past few days, the police disclosure was 3 days ago. I know the right thing to do was to cut it off and to break up and he hasn't made things hard in that way and has respected when I've said I don't want contact etc. I can't take the risk and even if it isn't true he has easily lied to me and I wouldn't be able to trust him. The horrible things is that a part of me believes him, that it is a false allegation because I just don't see it in him- but then I guess nobody ever does!

When I heard about the disclosure I went straight into survival mode and I know this is from my past DV relationship. Phone in hand, doors locked, rape alarm at hand, hid anything that could do harm- I'm not willing to do that again or have that as my life. I am in therapy and working through. But I want this year to be about me, getting stronger.

But at the same time I'm really hurting, I really did love him and the relationship and could see a future together.

So I need some tips to try and get through the next few weeks and some thoughts about how to think of some goals for myself and time to spend on myself- heal.

I'm not going back into the relationship so also I need some words of wisdom for when I'm sad and thinking of all the what if's.

Reading threads on here has already helped greatly!

Thankyou

You are doing the right thing, well done.

Can you plan some nice things with friends?

You've done amazing.

The thing is. Even at if the allegations was false he should have told you and explained just like he did regarding his other red flag.

The secrets are enough to end the relationship. The fact that he was very likely violent with someone is on top of his other behaviour.

You want to believe him because you are a nice and normal person and he is a convincing lier.

I don't believe for a second that he was falsely accused. There where witnesses, it's on record with police. What exactly did the ex do to set it up to make him look bad??

What are some good events or plans you can make? Who are some nourishing people you can spend time with? What are some activities that would strengthen your body, and your mind?

You sound incredibly strong OP for not only getting through an abusive relationship but for ending things with your most recent partner. That must have been very hard. I too do not believe for one minute that he was falsely accused especially given third party witnesses and I don't think false DV claims are really all that prevalent. It sounds to me like the more recent partner is a manipulator and was giving you the charm but sooner or later the mask would have slipped. It is very rare for an abusive man to change their spots. You have 100% done the right thing and you need to protect yourself from further harm. I hope in time you meet someone decent, loving and kind but you should really be proud of yourself for getting through everything you have endured

You have a right to finish with anyone for any reason ... you may just not have liked the way he slurped his tea .... this is the way he reacted to you wanting to finish ...

He was obviously annoyed and confused that this was out of the blue as we were doing well and nothing had happened. After the back and forth and me being made out to be an arsehole and I should be 'ashamed' at what I was doing

A good man would be sad or upset that you finished with him, not annoyed as though you had no right to.

I think I am going to take the week to look at the calendar for upcoming dates and events that are happening- see what I can get booked in. But I definitely think a wine night with my friends is in order! I am trying to start exercising again and sorting my diet out, a stronger routine wouldn't go a miss.

Thankyou,

Thats what Im trying to keep in mind. Even if its false, Ive still been lied to and that doesn't bode well for any relationship. I think its hard because its not something that's been done to me and then the what if's creep in. So I need to remind myself that its the right thing and think rationally and stay strong with that, whilst trying to do what's best for me going forward.

OP, I don’t know you but I am incredibly proud of you. So many of us have been in a situation where we have ignored the hard truth and the fact that you’ve made the right decision in tricky circumstances is proof of how strong you are.

I’m a big fan of distraction in times like this. New hobby maybe? When I ended a long relationship I thought of all the things my ex wouldn’t have liked - he wasn’t abusive but there were little things he wasn’t a fan of that I hadn’t done because I loved him. Got a piercing, for example 😆 nothing terrifyingly permanent, it’s a hard time and you seem like a very sensible, measured person. But anything he said ‘oh no I wouldn’t like that’ and you put in a box? An evening thing you didn’t want to miss out on time with him for? I also took up tap dancing for a bit (very badly!) because I’d always wanted to but wasn’t willing to give up evenings with him. I also bought a handbag with the money I saved travelling to see him (semi long distance).

Sorry this all sounds a bit cliche but cliches are cliches for a reason. Well done you.

If bystanders intervened, I can’t see how the allegations can be false.

Regardless, you directly asked him about involvement with the police and he lied.

You’ve made the right decision.

You're doing the right thing, looking for things to distract yourself it's the best thing you can do for yourself right now.
If you find yourself wavering, just think about his reaction.
Not apologising for lying to your face, but first being annoyed because you didn't give him a good enough reason, then making excuses and trying to make YOU feel bad for "going behind his back".
He's not as obviously nasty as your ex, but he's still trying to manipulate you.
So sorry OP you deserve better.

I’m going to look at what’s going on in my area over the coming months and start reaching out to people. It’s difficult when you can’t tell people of the disclosure because you feel like you want the validation if that makes sense. But I am going to try and fill my diary with worthwhile things and discover some new hobbies I might enjoy! Thankyou!

Thankyou, that really means a lot.
I think the difficult thing is that it didn’t happen to me, so I’m left with the what ifs and questioning myself- but the risks aren’t worth it and I know that all too well. I’m just not willing to take that risk and to live like it. I really hope so too, but im
not in a rush any time soon, i want to take time for myself over anything else and enjoy what i have x

I feel this is the place I need to get to.

i used to be absolutely fierce and very black and white when it came to relationship la (which wasn’t right either) but I definitely miss the bite! and I’ve really tried to work on myself and will carry on! I definitely need to realise I deserve so much better than someone who lies to me as a bare minimum. Let alone all the other stuff. Thankyou x

Thankyou, I could have actually cried. This is so hard and I know it’s going to be hard in the weeks coming too. But I’m not willing for my life to go back to how it was, and even having that mentality now is massive. I think having the strength to say I deserve better has really helped me with some of the healing even from the past relationship. Going back to being scared and into panic and realising im not willing for my life to be that was because of someone else.

i always come here at hard times because i know people tell it how it is, so i will read the messages and i will know theres a community behind me and it gives validation in some way?!

Absolutely love that you got a piercing! That sounds like something I would do- maybe I will! Thing is there wasn’t anything that I wouldn’t have done, probably the first time I’ve been able to be myself and felt so supported in the relationship- which makes it so much harder. I feel like I might be walking away from something that could have been so great- but also I can’t take the risk and there isn’t only one person in the world who will treat you right- and that’s what I need to hold on to.

Remember there were bystanders that got involved. It's not his nasty ex making it up something happened.

As a pp said. The fact he got annoyed when you ended it and now making out you out of order is telling. Decent men don't react that way.

You say you love him. But he lied. He's been putting his best self forward you don't know him. You love the act not the person. That's his fault not yours

Well done for being strong.

I found once I'd had one abusive relationship the next couple were abusive too. Have you done the freedom program? It's very helpful and understanding love bombing will be beneficial for you. In future don't tell potential partners your history until the relationship is established. Abusers seek out abused people- we are vulnerable to them and because the last relationship was so shit that initial love bombing hooks us much easier. And as horrible as it is to say there are lots of good men who just don't want to date someone with 'baggage' so by being open about your history you are narrowing the dating pool to those more likely to see your history as a way to control you. Once I waited to tell I had been abused I found a non abusive partner. We split because he was a lazy selfish arse but he's not abusive. And I now won't date anyone who says their ex was crazy/lied/bitch how they talk about their ex is very telling. If they are not prepping you for when you hear rumours he was abusive they may be giving you a clue how they view women by calling her a bitch etc.