Allegations of SA by Father

[Longstormynight]

This week my child has made allegations of SA by her father. I 100% believe her, police and social services are now involved.

Luckily the father lives over 100miles away now.

I know we're only at the start of a very long healing journey, and i just don't want to get it wrong.

If anyone else has been in this situation as a child or the parent, what helped? What helps us to accept and heal what i can't even understand, so how can she? What helps to process this awful guilt?

Name changed for obvious reasons. Yes it happened to me. I eventually told my mum and said I didn't want to break family up. My brother doesn't know. The most important thing for me was being believed by my mum and then my dad admitted it. However I was too young and have carried the shame all these years to now having my own children.

I am angry with my mum for not leaving my dad. She says she stayed as I had asked her to and she didn't want to increase my trauma. I was too young to know but I wish I hadn't had to deal with him since. I block everything out about the past and it's had a very big impact on my life

How old is your child?

OP I am very sorry to hear about this. I do not have personal experience but I have a lot of experience with survivors of SA through my work. The very best thing you can do is a) believe her and b) report it, both of which you have done.

In my experience the most traumatized victims are those who were not believed, told to be quiet, minimized, and forced to deny their experiences. It will be a long road but you are already ahead of the curve in terms of putting your child first. Good luck.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I can't imagine how you felt having to live with him. She has started to retract her words, but i think that's due to fear. She's in play therapy so hopefully she will be able to process this.

She's now 6 yrs old.

Thank you for your words. I still feel like I'm in shock and i can't believe that this has happened to her. I don't feel like whatever i do will ever be enough.

as a survivor but not believed/helped by those who should have done I am sure as you have reported it the Police will be able to suggest support for you but personally, i would suggest seeing your GP. It would be good to keep them up to speed with what is happening then they can be prepared for any help needed in the future. they will also be able to hopefully tell you the best local organisations to help and support you through this journey, sending much love and gentle hugs to you both xxxx

Thank you for your kind words. I feel like I'm in a bubble at the moment and just don't want to get this wrong. I've got some numbers for local places so will contact them today.

Speak to as many charities and organisations as you can to get their advice.

keep an open channel of communication with your daughter. Let her know she’s loved, she’s safe and she’s believed.

this isn’t some dirty secret that she needs to be ashamed of. Your ex is the one who should be ashamed, not her.

remind her often that she is the most important thing in the world to you and that she can tell you anything and you’ll always be there for her.

Thank you. I've contacted the NSPCC and I'm wondering if the GP or SW will know of any local groups. I can't believe how much he has got inside her head, it's sickening.

The NSPCC made a great point, they said this was all new for me, but it's not for her. I feel sick.

@Longstormynight you and your baby are going through so much turmoil. you have done the correct thing reporting this to the police. keep her safe. x

I was thinking more... I always felt it was my fault so I felt guilt and shame and hold it to this day. Logically as an adult now I know it wasn't, but emotionally I do and I feel like I have to carry this burden.

If you can help remind her it's not her fault, at her age now, and it's all on her dad, she might benefit as she grows older and has this in her mind. But it's very hard as a child to understand that the person that was supposed to protect you the most in the world did the opposite. Therefore I always thought it was my fault rather than being groomed and it being his fault.

She sounds very brave and you have a wonderful relationship with her if she was able to tell you. I hope you're both doing ok x

OP I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I have no words of wisdom but you sound strong and all the PP's advice will hopefully help you through.

@prongo I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Are you still in contact with your mum?
I can't get my head around this being brushed under the carpet

Thank you. I honestly can't believe that we are in this situation. Fingers crossed the correct support can help her to process this.

I 100% believe her, but I'm struggling so much to understand and comprehend this and I'm a 40yr old woman, i can't imagine how she feels. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and i truly hope that you've had the support you needed as an adult. I'm trying to offer her support but not being it up with her and let her lead the conversation, especially until she is spoken to by the police as i don't want it to be said that I've lead her. Thank you so much for your time.

I feel and think I'm probably still in shock and autopilot. I'm trying not to get too upset by this so i can be logical and just get done what i need to for her. It's utterly heartbreaking. I feel like I've let her down once already by letting this happen so i can't let her down now in her recovery.

OP if it is useful to you, please know that there are plenty of survivors of CSA who go on to lead healthy and happy lives. The key is in being believed, validated, and kept safe in the aftermath. I have a feeling your DD will be okay. Thinking of you.

Thank you, that does mean a lot. i think I'm just in utter shock and heart break at the moment.

@Longstormynight Please look up your local SARC. If they aren’t a paediatric specialist, they will put you in touch with a SARC that is.

A SARC is a sexual assault referral centre. They will be able to talk through all the options with you and arrange support for you and your child.

They are completely independent of the police and will support you with no police involvement. However, should you want to report to the police you can still do so and they can support with that.

SARC’s are friendly, supportive experts and are the fist place to call for a sexual assault. They can be found all over the country. Please do reach out to them.

So sorry to read this OP. No advice but just wanted to say the fact you have believed her and are supporting her the way you are will 100% do her the world of good, as she grows to understand and process it. You both deserve a whole lot of support.

Thanks for this, we have one rather close to us in the children hospital so I will reach out to them.

We have involved the police, I've given a statement and we are waiting on the specialist team to speak to my daughter, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Thank you. I never ever thought he was capable of this, but it's really not a thing that a child lies about. I've brought her up so aware of boundaries and autonomy that the only person who could get around that is him. It's sickening.