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Victims of crime

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Original poster

Concered for Elderly Neighbour WWYD?

29 replies

BooksAndFootie · 24/09/2024 13:57

DN is in 80s and recently widowed. I have been her next door neighbour for 11 years.

I have no evidence but from what she's told me and from what I've seen of the people coming and going from the house since her husband passed away it seems like she is being victimised by having things stolen. She's said cash (a considerable amount), booze and keys had gone missing, and other bits and pieces.

The other night she called the police as she thought someone was in the house at 4am.

Her D (who does not live with her but visits since DNs husband died last December) told me DN is 'losing her mind' and 'accusing family members of all sorts'.

I tend to believe my DN over the D.

Do I keep my nose out even though I suspect my DN is being targeted by her own family? They were not on the scene at all for the 10 years before DNs husband died, even though the family all live within walking distance.

Or, do I contact our local police who came out to her and voice my concerns to the authorities?

I would just hate for my DN to be treated like this and do nothing to try and help.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Laura0076 · 28/09/2024 06:36

Aww how awful! Reluctant to offer advice as I'm not sure what I would do either.
Does your DN seem to have any confusion etc?
Perhaps she might agree to cameras in the house.
Or could you maybe help her to get a safe to lock her things away in?
I guess even I ring doorbell would help woth coming and goings.. but could put you in an awkward position with the family. Sorry I wish I had better advice. Maybe speaking with the police is the best way.
Sorry I've been no help, but thankyou for being such a lovely neighbour to her x

twomanyfrogsinabox · 28/09/2024 06:39

Someone posted this exact story before...

davo91 · 28/09/2024 06:40

You can report to the police and the local county council as a safeguarding issue for an elderly person I think. They have to take your concerns on board, even if they're noted until a later date and more evidence comes in but you can raise your concerns with the police. Give them a call on 101 - you might have to check that via google) but also research safeguarding concerns of the elderly and you may find some advice online.

Hope you get this sorted and well done for looking out for your DN x

BananaSpanner · 28/09/2024 06:46

Call 101. It can’t hurt to report a concern.

It’s difficult as whilst she could be right, it could also be that family are visiting more often because they have recognised she is vulnerable.
Do you know her well? Is she showing signs of dementia?

TorroFerney · 28/09/2024 06:50

Agree with others report to the police as it's either true or dementia - either way it will make sure she is known to them, they will flag as vulnerable which will help if eg later down the line she's wandering about outside in her nightie.

Cece54 · 28/09/2024 07:10

I'd contact social services... they usually have trained workers who deal specifically with the elderly and would be able to assess her situation and offer the correct advice.

MyLimeGuide · 28/09/2024 07:11

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CosyLemur · 28/09/2024 07:11

Maybe contact the police non-emergency number and ask for advice.

Hippee · 28/09/2024 07:15

My DM was concerned about her neighbour, whose DB had power of attorney (DN was only 60 but mild learning difficulties). He was financially controlling as well as quite a bully. Mum helped her extricate herself from his control. The downside is that DN now heavily relies on my DM for support.

PermanentTemporary · 28/09/2024 07:23

I would encourage her to report to the police, with a slight air of 'if you don't I will'. I'd then offer to be with her when she makes the call.

At the very least a security review by the police would be a good idea anyway, if she's keeping cash in the house etc.

ensayers · 28/09/2024 07:50

Stolen keys?
Imagine if some random or carer or tradesman or scroat actually has stolen her keys and is creeping into her house in the night to steal booze.
She believes the only people that have a key are her family so she accuses them of "all sorts" and they know it's not true so put it down to she's losing her mind.

And then it turns out her neighbour suspected something was wrong all along but said nothing.

Candaceowens · 28/09/2024 08:20

There are a number of concerns here, which could point to either of the scenarios being true. The alcohol is also a concern in itself if she's drinking at that age, especially given she's recently widowed etc. I would contact the police.

BreatheAndFocus · 28/09/2024 08:34

There’s no way you can know whether she’s misplacing things/misremembering or whether others are taking things. What you could do to help is encourage her not to keep large amounts of cash in the house for a start. She might also like a Ring doorbell or similar. I find it hard to believe someone would be in her house at 4am. If it was family stealing things, they could just do it when they were there during the day.

My elderly parent now loses everything - sets of house keys, car keys, books, lists, alcohol (which just disappears - except it doesn’t, she just doesn’t remember drinking it). I’m not saying that’s the case here but the early signs of dementia are subtle.

You could report it to Adult Social Services as a safeguarding concern, but I’d try to get more information first.

LiveLoveFuckEmAll · 28/09/2024 08:38

I would report to the police, she could be being cuckooed.

And also make a report to social services to see if they can give her some extra care or point in the right direction.

Kitkat1982 · 28/09/2024 08:41

BooksAndFootie · 24/09/2024 13:57

DN is in 80s and recently widowed. I have been her next door neighbour for 11 years.

I have no evidence but from what she's told me and from what I've seen of the people coming and going from the house since her husband passed away it seems like she is being victimised by having things stolen. She's said cash (a considerable amount), booze and keys had gone missing, and other bits and pieces.

The other night she called the police as she thought someone was in the house at 4am.

Her D (who does not live with her but visits since DNs husband died last December) told me DN is 'losing her mind' and 'accusing family members of all sorts'.

I tend to believe my DN over the D.

Do I keep my nose out even though I suspect my DN is being targeted by her own family? They were not on the scene at all for the 10 years before DNs husband died, even though the family all live within walking distance.

Or, do I contact our local police who came out to her and voice my concerns to the authorities?

I would just hate for my DN to be treated like this and do nothing to try and help.

WWYD?

She needs to get security cameras put up. Maybe you could help her? Even something like a ring door bell if she knows how to use a phone. Scum like that shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. Definitely security measures need it get the proof and take it to the police

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 28/09/2024 08:41

Contact adult social services. It’s anonymous. They’ll assess your neighbours mental health, physical health m, wishes, needs and any financial abuse or otherwise.

Do not start investigating this yourself with cctv etc.

catofglory · 28/09/2024 08:42

This sounds exactly like dementia and given her age it is likely. Her husband's presence would have shielded her from the worst effects but now he is gone. People with dementia routinely call the police and/or paramedics because they know 'something is wrong' but they have no idea what it is.

It is common dementia behaviour to think family (or neighbours) are stealing from them. To them, it is logical. I cannot find x, and my daughter was here - she has taken it. My mother was always losing her keys and cash. She would hide these things 'in a safe place' and forget she'd done it. We once found her keys in a pillowcase.

You could contact social services and ask them to visit for an assessment. If the police came out the other night they may (or may not) have already referred her.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 28/09/2024 08:43

Candaceowens · 28/09/2024 08:20

There are a number of concerns here, which could point to either of the scenarios being true. The alcohol is also a concern in itself if she's drinking at that age, especially given she's recently widowed etc. I would contact the police.

So an octogenarian can't have a drink?

user86345625434 · 28/09/2024 08:43

twomanyfrogsinabox · 28/09/2024 06:39

Someone posted this exact story before...

Yes - a couple of days ago.
And then a big drip feed that the daughter was a drug user if I remember correctly…

LIZS · 28/09/2024 08:44

Try Age Uk for advice as to where to direct your concerns.

Lwrenn · 28/09/2024 08:52

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I'm from a lower social economic group (Council estate) and also have spent years working in elderly care, unfortunately stealing from the vulnerable isn't that cut and dry.
I've known people steal from their grandparents and parents who needed sweet fuck all, just because it was easy to do or they've had the mindset, "well Mildred doesn't need it" and just taken it themselves.
Of course there is more liklihood of family members desperate for cash (I worked with one gorgeous old soul and his son stole his kettle, I rang the local taxi firm and asked would a driver buy me a kettle from the asda, drop it in to me and I'd give the driver the cost if he kept his clock running, the driver who did it for me, this is many moons now, almost 20 years ago, wouldn't actually accept any money and was happy to help which was lovely) so the levels of stealing alter with poverty, but if its decent booze being stolen, then regardless of their financial circumstances, it may well just be entitlement.

Whilst that story about the man and kettle is one of many stories I have of that situation, I sadly worked with older people of immense wealth and their kids who needed fuck all would casually just take things. Entitlement and greed as much as a motive as being broke in my experience.

Nursebydaywitchbynight · 28/09/2024 08:57

It's a sg issue.either way. If u r wrong happy days, if u r right, help will.be provided. Either way, win win

scotstars · 28/09/2024 09:00

Nothing wrong with reporting your concerns but stick to facts ie concern she is vulnerable family haven't visited in a long time but now are there and it is causing her upset

dtsmum · 28/09/2024 09:16

I had this exact scenario a few years back. My lovely neighbour had a bloke going in and doing her housework and shopping (I couldn't do this as I was working full time)
When I visited the house was a tip so no housework was being done! (She was living in one room so couldn't see the rest of the house)
She would tell me her money had run out but she couldn't work out where it had gone.
I walked in once and him and his wife were sitting in the dining room having a roast dinner! Yes, they had given her the same meal, but they weren't even sitting with her!
Her family came on the scene a year or so before she passed away.
It broke my heart to know they just wanted her house and nothing else.
She was very ill in hospital and they were asking me questions about the attic space!
I went a bit nuts and got rid of the bloke who was taking the piss out of her. I didn't kill him 😂 just let him know I was on to him and when he knew he had been found out he disappeared (funny that!)
Sadly, I had a lot more say in what happened on my neighbours house than you do. She was family really. Grew up with her as my 'aunty' so I don't really have much advice.
Just wanted to say I know how heartbreaking it is to watch someone being taken advantage of.
I would definitely get age concern involved or adult social services.
If she can't speak for herself then someone has to.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/09/2024 09:53

My mil began accusing family of taking her money, not giving her money etc as she slipped into dementia. She began to think everyone was against her . Also its common for a spouse to cover up and fill in the cracks for a person in early dementia then for him to pass away and for her to rapidly decline without his support.
Is there a public health nurse locally who could pop into her and access what's happening and get a picture of what stage she is at. She can then report or get her ongoing care .